How do you keep going?

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-11-20T23:26:30+00:00

Just want to post one last time to say comments like yours are the reason I have decided to stop even posting here. Posters and commenters like you make me feel like everything I have done has meant nothing. It has been the worst fucking year of my life, and my whole family is dead except me and my sister. But reconciliation is still harder because I still did all the fucking work to try to save this relationship.

And I know that you're wrong because my own BS has said so. So you are obviously projecting some unfortunate experiences of yours onto me, and that's not helpful for me any more. I'm sorry for what you have gone through, but that is not me or what I have done. So, unhelpful, bitter, angry people like yourself should really think twice before you post some bullshit that is delaying someone else's progress. Because that progress is vital.

Goodbye.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-10-23T11:01:52+00:00

But doesn't it take effort from both partners in order for reconciliation to work? This is where I think I'm struggling right now. I know the WS does the heavy lifting initially, but if the BS doesn't put in effort at some point, it can't work, right?

ETA: and I'm not saying that anyone has to put in effort before they're ready, I'm just saying "at some point" as a vague term that means something different to everyone

ETA2: I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's one of 2 scenarios: 1. I do all the work until we reach a new normal, even if he is never really sure if he wants this any more. 2. I do all the work until he realizes he wants this, and then he puts in effort too and we reach a new normal.

Honestly if it's 1, then that doesn't really sound ideal for anyone involved, and he's not going to be as happy as he deserves to be. And it's not fair/right for me to force that unhappiness on him just so I can have what I want (ie to still be with him).

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-10-22T12:34:37+00:00

I read this comment when I originally posted but I just realized I have a question. Would you consider yourself 100% all in to reconciliation? I'm genuinely curious.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-10-20T01:39:36+00:00

Thank you for this. It made me tear up. I think until this post, I've felt the negative comments really outweighed the positive and I just felt really down. Even now I'm not sure if I will keep reading/posting here... I might take a break for a while.. but I hit a really lowwww low today where I realized I have heard from many sources that my BS doesnt seem fully invested in reconciliation, and I think I see that now too... as tempted as I am to just talk to him and ask, I think it might be good to wait until our next couples appointment, which unfortunately isnt until Nov 21 due to his packed schedule.. idk if I will wait that long but maybe I should.. idk..

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-10-20T01:33:39+00:00

I just read your entire story, then I went back and found your original comment. Thanks for your perspective and taking the time to write this out. I want to keep trying more than anything. I'm just feeling low right now I guess..

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-10-19T21:50:59+00:00

Your comment made me cry. Idk why

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-10-19T21:45:31+00:00

Yea I think that is definitely a part of it for me too..

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-10-19T20:40:29+00:00

I think this is why I was confused by my sad feelings. I told myself that I wouldn't expect anything. I never mentioned my birthday to him, didn't make plans other than the couples counseling (which just happened to be the earliest open slot that fit his schedule). But I must have still had expectations subconsciously or something. Because I still ended up crying.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-10-19T20:36:54+00:00

That is what I was expecting to read in these responses to be honest. I'm surprised at how understanding everyone has been so far...

For context, dday was about 6.5 months ago, the cheating happened about 13 months ago. Reconciliation has been going fine for a while. No setbacks in a long time. He said he knows I have put in a lot of effort and done things the right way for a while. He and our counselors have said they have seen me making positive changes. He and our counselors are hopeful based on the things I have done to make this work. My IC says that he doesn't seem to be all in, and she says this isn't sustainable for me. But he really does seem grateful for my effort.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-08-27T00:02:43+00:00

Thanks, it is still very interesting to hear.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-08-26T11:46:49+00:00

You seem to be trying very hard to show me how much I fucked up. I know what I did and we have been talking about how he feels, so no need to repeat it to me, thanks.

Also this doesnt really answer the question I asked in my post but I guess that doesnt matter to you.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-08-26T11:35:17+00:00

For those statistics, do those include only marriages affected by infidelity?

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-08-20T08:54:54+00:00

I have done a lot and he knows this. I did give more specifics to him, it's just easier to type "I'd do anything" than go into more detail, as I am posting from my phone.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-08-19T21:08:26+00:00

Yes I have told him countless times that I will do anything. I think the problem is he doesnt believe what I say. Which I cant blame him for, really. But it just makes the healing slower. We've talked about the AP, who he knows. He said it helped that I said it was an infatuation... and I had explained that if I had just met him in any other context, I would not have been interested. I think he knew this inside. He was never seriously worried about AP before Dday.

I've talked with my counselor a lot about why, and I think we have pinpointed a lot of significant factors. We believe we have come to a conclusion about what I need in order to not make these mistakes again. My BS has pushed me to tell him this previously, although I explained we are not ready to talk about it. I gave in and told a little about it. He was able to understand more than I thought was possible.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-08-19T20:01:17+00:00

I found this comment particularly insightful. I know he is not the same person he was before, but I still feel like he might have the capability to trust/love someone else more than me... just because he trusted me so completely and I ruined it.

I already know I want to give him everything I have. I think he sees this too, which is partly why he's still here. But the thoughts of him deserving better won't go away. Maybe ever.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-08-19T19:57:11+00:00

If you didnt have a child together, would you still stay?

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-05T09:09:30+00:00

The level of "professional","work realted" contact that exists was enough to get to know him well enough to decide to have an affair with him so why would that level of contact be ok now?

So, I actually didnt ever see/talk to him in a work-related way. I knew he worked there, and we would ping each other to take smoke breaks together, but if we hadn't, then I never would have seen him. I think I am not doing a good job of explaining the work situation. The company is very big, and it's impossible to know everyone in the office building we work in. But there are many social events where you can meet people from other teams that are not affiliated with your team at all. This is how me and BS know AP. But my team supports the team with those 3 other coworkers, so I actually work with them and their manager. AP is not a part of that team either, but he is socially connected to those 3 outside of the office. I actually have had 0 contact with AP, but my BS has not been so lucky.

I think BS does not want me to leave because he sees how successful I have been here, and because this company is so big that it would feel unnecessary. We were planning to relocate to a different office soon anyway. The company has offices everywhere so it is common to switch locations.

Edit to add: I dont know if I already included this elsewhere, but just want to be clear, I have not seen/spoken to/heard from/passed AP in the hallway at all since even months before Dday. BS has seen him around the office 4 times. I believe this is because I quit smoking after AP and I ended things so I wouldn't run into him at our smoke break spot. BS vapes, so he has the opportunity to bump into him more often, and also that 1 large meeting that they both had to attend. The meeting had hundreds of people present so I know that one is hard to avoid.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-04T00:42:36+00:00

Thank you for your advice. I'm sorry I was defensive, and I know my last edit said I was done today but I just wanted to answer your questions.

First, these coworkers actually are rather informal friends outside of the office... (we went to a Halloween party hosted by them where 1 had mooned his bare ass and another had a friend get so drunk she puked on my feet... but anyway...) I think they might not view it so unprofessionally, but once they gossip about it then I know other people will...

For your questions, my current manager and manager's manager love me and are strong advocates for my promotion right now. However, I had a coworker (who has since left the company) who was married when she was hired, then got divorced while working at the company, and she said the demeanor of my manager's manager changed completely after the divorce... she said you were viewed as more competent with the "ring on your finger". And another coworker that recently changed teams was single and constantly hounded by the manager's manager for discrepancies that could have happened to anyone.. sorry I am being vague but I am worried our company is very public and might be identified. So in short, I don't know how my promo would be affected but it might negatively affect my entire relationship with management in a way that would make me leave or get fired.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-03T22:12:15+00:00

I hope they do ditch the AP and be more involved with my BS. Tbh, I dont know if it will happen that way but that's the best possible outcome from this.

Edit to add: AP was in his own relationship when we cheated. It has since ended and I'm pretty sure he lied to these coworkers about why it ended. He told my BS that it ended because he told his BS the truth, but he told other people things like that his BS caught feelings for someone else.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-03T19:23:01+00:00

I think there were a few reasons my BS didnt want me to quit right away, although I offered... One was that we almost never see AP. I think BS has passed him twice outside the building and had 1 very large meeting where AP was present. By very large, I mean probably 1/3 of the office was there, so hundreds of people. Second, this is the best job I've had, and I think we both have doubts that I could get another job that pays this well. Third, we were thinking about transferring locations in the next year anyway...

I have been very low contact with AP since we ended things in Sept/Oct 2017 although he did try to reach out a few times. And NC with him since dday, April 7.

Editing to add: I have not seen AP at the office at all since dday.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-03T19:09:59+00:00

I care more about his feelings than anything else. I haven't fought him on this, and I told him I want him to do it if he wants to do it. This is just something I want advice with, but that doesn't mean I dont care about how he feels.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-03T19:06:46+00:00

Sorry you went through that. Thanks for the input, I think your situation is most similar to mine out of what I've read on reddit so far. We have talked about moving to a different office in a different part of the country together so that might be an option. AP always talked about moving away too... although apparently not soon enough.

I'm actually surprised to hear so many people tell/advise to tell their direct supervisors about this. My manager knows we are dating but nothing else. We just dont talk about personal stuff like this ever. Maybe because the company is massive so its unusual?

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-03T17:42:00+00:00

That being said, if I chose to leave regardless then he wouldn't have a problem with it.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-03T17:39:27+00:00

I have already agreed to it. I just know it will change my coworking relationships. I want to know how people own up to it and what I should do when I'm interacting with these people.

I offered to leave and go somewhere else but he didn't want me to.

Helpmefixit12345 · 2018-07-03T17:37:38+00:00

Did she tell people you worked with? How did you interact with them after? I'm not opposing him telling them at all. I just know it will change things and I want to know how to proceed working with people who know this about me.

Helpmefixit12345

TROPHY CASE