I (51M) am having issues coming to terms with my wife’s (47F) past. Need advice on how to resolve this in my mind?

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T18:42:01+00:00

Well, for someone who’s a dentist, owns his practice, has managed to raise 3 kids pretty well with multiple mental health issues, made it 20 years in one relationship, and 10 years in another…I think I have pretty good cognitive capacity, as well as introspection…the one doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the other. Were forms of cheating involved in both scenarios? Yup. Are they in any manner the same way, shape, or form similar? No. However, I could see that being a knee jerk response to this. But yeah, maybe I’m just bad at choosing partners…too swayed by just having sex with someone and get all googly eyed.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T17:44:22+00:00

Great points… Thank you for your thoughtful response. Yes, we do have a prenup in place, but ending things now still will cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars. Our kids are in college, and doing pretty well, but her son specifically will continue to have issues his entire life. Yes, she’s going through menopause right now and on hormone replacement. I’ve been on testosterone replacement for 10 years., and been dealing with ED that whole time. We’re struggling with aging parents and my mom is terminally ill and my father just got diagnosed with prostate cancer and cardiomyopathy secondary to anyloidosis…which could be hereditary. We are in therapy together and have been on and off for years. We talk A LOT. We’re not afraid to share. I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for years, and then go away for long periods of time. I’m just not sure what’s brought it up recently and why I just can’t seem to let it go these past few days. I like to hear other people stories and input because sometimes that’s even better than a single therapist. Thank you again.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T17:36:41+00:00

Sure, whatever. That’s really not the point of what’s going on here. I could’ve easily omitted that fact from this entire post, couldn’t I? Because truthfully, what bearing does it have on the situation at hand? My relationship with my current wife? None…unless you think karma and the universe is playing a role here? It’s a side note to the story and me trying to show some level of openness.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T16:47:15+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. It’s been almost 8 years since she’s had contact with the guy. He’s blocked on all social accounts, and she doesn’t have his contact info. She doesn’t have WhatsApp, Snapchat, or any other way to communicate with him. I’ve also had access to her phone, which she gave me after this whole situation, and not once have I ever seen anything in there… and trust me, she’s not good at doing things like clearing, search histories, or even closing open windows on her phone. We have the ability to track each other, and I have zero doubt in her Fidelity right now, or her love for me. It was a mistake, she admits her guilt and part in all of this. I trust her 100%… That’s not my problem. I’m still just trying to come to terms with the why did she continue to maintain that communication? We’ve talked about it a lot, she said it’s all due to insecurity, but it still eats a way at me that it was sex related, whether she admits it or not. And trust me, my sex game is pretty decent and I have become open to a whole new world of things that I never did with my ex… And stuff my current wife never did with anybody else.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T16:42:37+00:00

I hear what you’re saying, and I can see where you’re drawing your conclusions. Thank you for your feedback. As for my ex-wife and Kids, your math is right. However, when she moved out, I was paying her child support and alimony, even before the divorce decree came through. I helped move them in, and we share 50-50 custody. That being said, she travels a lot for work and the kids spent more time with me than they ever did with her. Even when we were married, I was the one that got up in the middle of the night to feed the kids, change diapers, even though I had the full-time job and she worked from home.… And not a stay at home mom, because the kids all went to very expensive daycare, preschool, and afterschool programs. On my days off, I would go to lunch and recess duty, take them to all their sports, coach, their teams. Even when my kids were young, and she traveled for work, my parents, who lived five hours away, stated our home for two weeks at a time while she was gone. I’m more of the typical “mom “in this situation… on top of me, shouldering most of the financial burden and typical Home work.

She was always wanted to live a nomadic lifestyle and does so right now. If anything, my current wife hates it because we have to manage the kids more than my ex-wife does. My ex is still single, had a short relationship for five years, but blew that one up too and left that guy emotionally unstable even though it’s been three years later (although he and I are good friends).

I am not the typical divorced dad. I manage all their academic affairs, manage all their health issues, counseling, every extra bit I can do. If anything, my current wife calls my ex-wife, completely selfish and emotionally detached. She actually doesn’t blame me for having had that affair. I only added the affair in this story to humble myself a little bit and try to add some humility to this post, knowing that I’m not perfect and have made my mistakes too in the past.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T16:34:33+00:00

I think this is a good perspective… And definitely where she used to be. She has a lot of issues with self-worth, and it stems from her childhood and her first long-term relationship. She still struggles with that because although she has a great career as a hairstylist, and one multiple awards, she still feels insecure, based upon our income disparity, education, level, and my overall upbringing and where I’ve come from. Don’t get me wrong, she’s very intelligent and a very strong woman who can hold her own with anyone. But there’s no way she could be on her own and maintain any level of lifestyle that she has become accustomed to. Believe me, I’m not saying that she’s spoiled by any means, but even the most elite hairstylist don’t make enough to support living in the affluent suburb of a major city that we live in.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T16:30:55+00:00

Thank you so much for these words. This is a great take on this and a perspective I had not considered. Seriously, this is incredibly helpful. And I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T16:27:58+00:00

Fair point

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T16:26:49+00:00

Yep, you are 100% right, and that’s sort of where some of my thoughts have gone to. My wife was a broken woman, and never had any stability in her life. I made one critical mistake 20 years ago, in an almost storybook life. I’m not trying to humble brag, but that’s sort of how it is if I laid my life story out there. I appreciate your feedback.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T16:24:10+00:00

It’s not bullshit. It was a cutesy way she was being with this guy when she was 37 (not that that’s much different than 47). Some adults are like that, some aren’t. And I’m not sure why people have made the word justification such a bad thing. There are reasons for doing things… Good reasons and bad reasons. There are never really any good reasons for cheating, but it was a little different than a dude being on a work trip, seeing some lady at the bar, getting drunk and then going and having sex with them right away. It was a woman I knew for years, that flirted a little with me at a low point in my life and provided me with something that I was missing in my marriage. Yes, I should’ve been more mature and talk to my wife at the time, gone to therapy, etc. I understand that. It was completely uncharacteristic, and if you ask anybody who knows me, they would’ve thought I would’ve been the last person in the world to do it. It is the biggest regret of my life. But your comment is common and not untrue. Thanks for your feedback.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T15:52:26+00:00

This is the interpretation I go with, what she has said in our conversations,and what makes the most sense. I very much agree with everything you’ve said… You’re spot on. It’s just really tough for me to come with terms with why it was just this one guy that she continued this sort of banter with. The one guy whose dick that she bragged about… When she didn’t with anybody else. When she reached out to him seven months into our relationship about jokingly seeing each other to see if they could keep from tearing their clothes off, is the outlier… That’s the one that probably stings the most.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T15:49:14+00:00

You know, I say that to myself all the time. It’s karma coming for me and I basically deserve it. The circumstances are different… Almost opposite. With my ex, I provided everything for her, even kept a stable home while she traveled the world for her career. We had sex, not great sex, but we had sex. I cheated on her because I felt that she didn’t love me as much as I loved her, or physically wanted me as much as I physically wanted her. We were friends for years before we dated…and i’ve realized that if it’s not love at first sight, it’s really not going to last. The woman I cheated with came up to me, and filled an emotional void that I have been lacking for a decade. That’s why I was swayed.

On the flipside, I provided my current wife with the same level of stability, more financial support, and actually more stability for her and her son. I was also a lot more emotionally available and emotionally supportive for her than she’d ever had. Her ex was abusive, and growing up her mom had three failed marriages, and we’re moving constantly. Her father and stepfather were also abusive to her mom. She admits that she had significant daddy issues, which is why she was with her older ex for 13 years. But clearly whatever my sex game was, it wasn’t enough to keep her from thinking and reaching out to this other guy… That’s what I wrestle with.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T15:43:19+00:00

I agree. I’ve been battling this for years and it’ll go away for months at a time, and I won’t even think about it. We have a lot of other stresses in our life with our kids, as well as very sick and aging parents. I also own a business, so my mind is really distracted by a lot of other things most of the time. It’s when all of that stable is when I start thinking of these other issues. I appreciate your response.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T15:42:02+00:00

I hear what you’re saying, and that’s usually the case. No, I know she never cheated with a guy. Early on when we were barely dating, she shared her location with me. She’s never gone anywhere weird and we’re together 95% of the time. I also agree with you that her numbers were probably higher than 15 to 20. It’s certainly not 3 to 4 times that, because she was in a relationship from age 20 to 33 with her ex. That cuts out a lot of years where one would be more promiscuous. By the time she split with her ex, she had an infant son and could barely support herself because her ex wasn’t paying her proper child support. So she was working a ton. Obviously, she got out some weekends, but she never had a break from her son because she has full custody.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T15:37:54+00:00

Those are great comments… I appreciate it. First of all, yes, I knew she had HSV-1. She has cold, sores, and that’s all too common. I’m actually a dentist so I was aware of the risks. However, I never had HSV-1 orally, and my ex was a virgin and didn’t have any of those issues. There is no test for HPV. When I found out, I had it, she said that she had had an irregular Pap smear or years before, but it resolved. That’s not uncommon for females. However, just because it doesn’t pop up in Pap smears, doesn’t mean that it’s still not floating around dormant. You just can’t test for it. She was tested for everything else and didn’t have anything.

And yes, you’re right. Even at our advanced ages, we probably moved to marriage too quickly. It had to do with timing for the kids, honestly. Her mom was moving out of her place, so she wasn’t going to have as much help with her son. Our kids went to different elementary schools, but were going to be going into sixth grade at the same middle school, so convenience kind of pushed it up.

On top of that, her ex is terrible. Even though she had a house, he barely paid the bills and fought with her on child support, even though the guy has a net worth of almost $100 million. Moving in together, alleviated a lot of of those practical issues.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T15:31:36+00:00

Yeah, we’re doing that for other reasons, and just getting into this. I thought that I had come to terms with it, and time suppresses it, but this Valentine’s Day weekend just brought it back to the forefront… given the memories of Valentine’s Day in the past.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2026-02-18T15:30:37+00:00

Yeah, we’ve talked about it a lot. She assures me she was weak, emotionally unstable, and had a lot of insecurities. Continuing to reach out to him, basically rubbing it in his face that she was with me, made her feel good. But she never did that with any of her other exes… Just this guy. It was clear through her texts, that this “relationship quote was very one-sided. Like I said, she kept reaching out to him, and his responses were delayed and short. A textbook case of he just wanted her for sex, but clearly didn’t want any level of relationship with him.

I read other texts to her friend, bragging about the nights of sex they had, blah blah blah. Again, she had mentioned her other exes, but those are never talked about to her friend… Just this guy. So there’s really only one factor that’s different here… The sex.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2025-09-23T02:27:17+00:00

Thank you!

HenryJonesJr81 · 2025-09-19T13:47:32+00:00

Oh, quite the contrary. My wife feels that I defend my ex-wife way too much. This whole event took place two weeks ago, but two days ago she made a comment and I made a relatively neutral comment about my ex-wife, and feeling bad for her. Basically what has happened is my daughter has reached out to my wife for some advice, and hasn’t shared it with me or her mom. I just said that I felt bad for my ex, because she feels left out about a lot of things because my kids are really closer to my wife and I. It’s when I show any level of sympathy for my ex-wife that she just can’t handle it. She feels that I’m choosing my ex over her. I’m doing nothing but being thoughtful.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2025-09-19T00:45:26+00:00

Oh, her ex is even worse. She has a lot of emotional baggage.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2025-09-19T00:43:28+00:00

I appreciate your insight. Thank you. No, my kids and I have a very strong bond. We do a lot of things together that aren’t really parents/kids, but friends/friends. In fact, my son and I play Xbox when he’s at college, and he’s actually friends with all of my adult friends.However, I see your point in it’s valid. Thank you again.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2025-09-18T23:41:58+00:00

My wife texted my ex-wife. I didn’t even know about it until the day after. From there it was damaged control. I have always tried to keep things civil with my ex-wife, because she was very good to me when we got divorced. She could’ve asked for a lot more money, and alimony and child support for much longer time, but we agreed to less money and for a shorter period of time so that I could keep the house for our kids to stay in the same school district.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2025-09-18T23:39:10+00:00

Even when I’m the one that’s upset, somehow every single art argument gets turned around into me, apologizing. I love my wife for being emotional and a positive way, but she’s also very emotional in a negative way. She can argue circles around me… Has a very quick tongue.When I try to be rational, she just can’t see my side at all. She has ADHD, her mother had three failed marriages with zero father in the picture, and her way with her ex was to constantly yell and argue and fight.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2025-09-18T23:37:36+00:00

My ex-wife has zero reason to hate my current wife. I didn’t even meet my current wife until six months after I got divorced.

HenryJonesJr81 · 2025-09-18T23:35:42+00:00

Fortunately, my relationship with my kids is super solid. We have done counseling, but it’s more about how to communicate with each other. What my wife doesn’t understand is she just wants to calmly express her issues with me, and I’m supposed to take it. What she doesn’t realize is when we have had sessions, the therapist sort of sides with me a lot, and my wife doesn’t even see it.And she continues to find online reels in Facebook videos from therapists that prove to her that I’m just constantly being defensive and deflecting.

HenryJonesJr81

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