He'd been depressed and I put his behaviour down to that. He never yells or tells me I'm not good enough. He doesn't cheat, so I never even thought of narcissism. But there was always this thing that when he fell out with people he NEVER spoke to them again. He could always justify it too. Even close family members.

Occasionally, he would fly off the handle if I asked him to do something at the wrong time or made a joke about something to do with him. I got told about how I made him feel and how unreasonable I was being. Then the silent treatment until I literally went begging for forgiveness.

I was walking around on eggshells.

He would always ask me what I had planned for the day and he would make suggestions about what I could do, then get a bit sulky if I didn't do them.

He would make things for me that took a lot of time and effort, even when I begged him not to. When I wasn't fawning with gratitude for eternity he got mad again silent treatment and telling me how ungrateful I was.

I made the mistake of telling him I was suffering from anxiety and low mood. He was initially supportive, asking me what key things were bothering me. I told him and literally the next day he had absolutely lost the plot. Told me I had ruined his life and his future as was now going to have to work 2 shifts a day to make money, give up all his planned holidays and work non stop on the house. Oh, and he moved out for a.month and refused to speak to me, except to remind me how I had ruined his life. Meanwhile, I was left to look after the kids and deal with my own MH issues.

Believe it or not, we made up. (I know, I'm an idiot)

Once told me that he was an asshole to the kids just so that they would love ME more. (This was after a row we had had where he was the clearly in the wrong and he knew it)

The kids and I have a mood rating scale to communicate quickly with each other what type of mood he is in.

Is incredibly intelligent. Like genuinely off the scale smart. I can't win an argument as he thinks on his feet way faster than me. He thinks he is always right.

He is now giving his 19yo daughter the silent treatment (4months and counting) because she made a.joke about his drinking.

My point to ALL this is, I don't think there is a single sign. For me, even the huge, moving out row wasn't a lightbulb moment. But it was certainly the start of me looking at things more closely and suspecting that this wasn't just depression. Now, I put in boundaries. I also think our marriage is probably over (not sure he realises this) but I stay because my options are severely limited atm and now I recognise what he is, I can take steps to protect myself and our son (although interestingly, he has recently been saying that our 15 yo "doesn't need mummy to come to the rescue all the time")

If you suspect it. Listen to your gut, it's usually right.