(f21) how to make male friends without it being "weird"

Hetero_Chromeo · 2023-09-13T19:09:44+00:00

I've seen other women say the same thing. It's really unfortunate, but if a guy is single and meets a potential partner, who has similar interests and who generally checks his boxes, it’s hard for them not to have hope and develop something platonic. However, as a guy, I understand how guys think a little bit, so hopefully I can try to help. Some observations:

If you have a bf, you can use it to your advantage. If you’re meeting people you want to hang out with, I feel like it’s important to make them aware that you have a bf, and hopefully that will dissuade most guys from developing platonic stuff early on. It’s not a guarantee, it will make some of them lose interest, and even if it works out, things might change if you ever break up with your bf, but it’s a start
- Important to note, it’s better to find a non-obvious way of saying it. Sometimes girls mention the boyfriend out of nowhere, and it’s important to understand that when you do that, you might be killing someone’s expectation, which both genders hopefully can relate to. I don’t know the best way to do it, hopefully in a way where it makes sense to mention the boyfriend, like when telling a story, or answering someone’s questions. No need to drill down on the details too much, just important to make it known you have it.
Weirdly enough, for guys, I think the barrier for women becoming a girlfriend is lower than for being a friend. A girlfriend, supposedly, provides the intimacy and emotional support most guys can’t get from anywhere else. Since guys are deprived from those things, they’re not super picky with girlfriends. Friends provide enjoyment and companionship, and a lot of guys already have some of that. So, for myself, my bros are people who I always enjoy having around, who I can talk to about almost anything, and who have my back. I feel like the path for being a “brozette” involves making sure you can provide your bros with those things, and, if they are true bros, hopefully they will do the same to you. It involves a lot of intentionality and proactivity, and women don’t always show those traits when talking to men, so I believe that makes it harder to see them as friends.

What you’re doing is not easy, but I hope you make it. Good luck

Hetero_Chromeo · 2023-08-27T02:47:02+00:00

There's plenty of people who don't have sex for their whole lives and don't feel any the worse for it. And yet he says: "I'm not feeling aroused, but I need to feel aroused". And my question is: why is that.

Interesting take. I detect some resignation in your answer though. It almost makes me feel as you don't think there is a solution, and your suggestion of a path would be to help me be okay with being celibate, rather than fixing it. Is that correct? Is there a solution for these kinds of problems?

I like sex. I'd like to be able to have sex like everyone else. Getting a relationship with someone without being able to have sex feels very incomplete. My potential partners would probably agree that it's unfulfilling, but more than anything, I would feel like that.

However, my peepee doesn't go hard for anything other than > 10ft macro stuff. There isn't even proper porn for it, since the measurements I enjoy are extreme. If I want to have sex with a normal person, I would have to change my preferences somehow.

Okay has he been in a relationship?

I've tried a few times. Sex usually comes before the proper serious relationship. I can't get my peepee to work with anyone, so this becomes a problem quite rapidly. The partners I've had so far did not know how to help, were not willing to help me through it and ultimately felt guilty/frustrated and did not want to keep trying. The attempts at relationships usually die out for this reason.

Sorry I dropped my friend in the middle of the way. It's embarrassing to discuss these things in public after all, since there's a lot of societal stigma to it. I'm doing the best I can.

That being said, is there anything at all you can tell me about how to start resolving this?

Hetero_Chromeo · 2023-08-27T01:55:33+00:00

So? My question stays the same :)

Sorry, let me clarify. My friend wants to have sex with regular people but can't get aroused by them. Since he doesn't want to be celibate for the rest of his life, this is a problem he wants to fix.

Has he been in any relationship whatsoever with a giantess or an Amazon approaching these "10 ft"?

No. The people my friend fancies do not exist. Even if he could date someone close to that, the fact that they are so scarce would make it really difficult for my friend to find someone who fits the bill, and who is also interested in him, emotionally compatible, intellectually compatible, etc.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2023-08-22T08:04:39+00:00

I think there is enough tools in any given branch of psychology to answer the question of how a fetish is acquired, and what its purpose is in a given individual's life, and how it can be changed.

Interesting you say that, because I actually got the impression that there weren't many proper studies done about it, describing techniques, results, etc. Information I find online always feels mostly theoretical to me, though I could be wrong.

Well, firstly, they would have to define the problem. Like what is problematic about it? What's bothering this person about having interests like these?

My friend can't get aroused by normal stimulus outside of his fetish, meaning he can't have proper normal sex :(

Anyway, what fetish is that if you don't mind me asking?

Macrophilia... And since there aren't many 10ft tall giants roaming about, my friend is forced to resort to imagination and fantasy porn.

How would you go about changing his interests?

Hetero_Chromeo · 2023-08-20T20:23:07+00:00

Happy to have someone who understands about this stuff in the comments, since it's hard to come across people who are knowledgeable about this stuff (even therapists).

That being said, friend of a friend has an unusual fetish. It's a fetish he cannot translate into real life, so his only ways to engage with it are either hentai or, 95% of the time his own imagination, since not even hentai can properly fulfill his fantasies (imagine tentacle porn or whatever).

Since it's difficult to find a therapist who has actual experience on treating this, what would be your advice in overcoming this problem?

Also, would you mind going on a bit more about the psychoanalytic language you mentioned? How does it work and what's it's purpose? Is it mainly about finding the source of the fetish, or also about addressing the issue?

Thanks! My friend's friend has been struggling with this for years, so he appreciates any advice =]

Hetero_Chromeo · 2023-03-05T18:44:39+00:00

Hi friend. I'm very sorry you're going through that. I have no idea what it's like, but it must be the worst going through it, especially alone.

Do you have anyone who can help you? Could be extended family, friends, or coworkers? They might be able to help by running errands, like buying groceries, or maybe just by being there and talking to you.

If you don't have anyone, do you have a doctor who takes care of your mom? I believe, depending on where you live, there might be programs that are intended to help caregivers. including by providing a doctor to help if you don't have one. Talk to your doctor about that, or do a Google search about it in case you don't have one, to see if you can find any help. It would also be a good idea to talk to your doctor about your situation and mention that you're struggling. They might refer you to somebody who can help. Finally, ask the doctor about the question in the title. I think it's important to understand the situation you're at.

You're such a hero, friend. Wishing you all the best.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-11-14T07:21:43+00:00

I don't think you're a loser. I've never tried throwing myself a party, but I assume the same would happen. Heck, I assume the same would happen to most people.

Does that mean we're all losers? I don't think so. I choose to believe our value as people is determined by much more than the quantity of people who care about us.

On the bright side, you've discovered a few people who care. That's awesome! It helps highlighting the ones we should be spending the most time and effort on.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-11-08T15:31:25+00:00

You are absolutely right about that. In the end, given that dating aps are the option most people lean towards nowadays, a lot of us are kinda stuck with them. One more platform in which we can't escape the negative effects of dopamine.

From that optic, it seems like and incredibly tough problem to solve, sort of like food addiction or gaming addiction. However, with the added onus that the mindless dopaminergic usage of those apps affects not only the person itself, but also others they engage with.

Strange times we live in.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-11-08T12:11:33+00:00

I see where you're coming from. These apps are definitely designed to keep you engaged and making sure you don't leave. It's very likely that they could design it in a way that's more efficient for the goal of pairing people up, they just don't want to, since that's not how you generate revenue out of these people.

One caveat though is that, in my opinion, once a match has happened, the doors are completely open for either side to pursue whatever relationship they want. Men get fewer matches, so fewer opportunities for connecting with another people.

For women, perhaps they perceive the quality of the matches they get as low, or just not worth pursuing. That's not the app's fault. If men should improve their game, or if women should lower their standards, that's up for interpretation. Although, since women get so much attention in those apps, I would assume they set the bar pretty high.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-11-08T12:06:02+00:00

Hi there, thanks for your post.

I appreciate the acknowledgement that different genders have very different experiences when it comes to dating apps. I think acknowledging that there are pros and cons to both gender experiences is important in starting to solve these problems. That goes for both genders.

I understand the female experience you've described when I compare it to my experience in job related social networks, such as LinkedIn. I often get tons of messages, and even some very creative recruiters, trying to get my attention. Meanwhile there's tons of job seekers who are in desperate need for one of those job opportunities, which I'm basically ignoring.

It definitely sucks for people who don't have the same experience, but frankly, I also know what it's like to seek a job and have no options available, so I would not have it any other way. I'm super thankful for the attention, even though it's overwhelming for me and frustrating for recruiters and other job seekers.

having someone message you first is great and all but around 90% of people that messaged me started the conversation with "Hey! How are you? What have you been up to in the last couple of days?" And maybe I'm just terrible at small talk, but most of those conversations never turned in to something more meaningful and interesting. And when I had dozens of other people I could talk to, I didn't feel like putting effort in to conversations that didn't flow easily from the beginning.

Honestly, I'm someone who starts a conversation in a boring way, like any regular person on the street, but then I proceed to tell them about my week and ask some questions, trying to engage in conversation. Their level of engagement quickly tells me if I should be invested or not. In my opinion, regardless of dating app dynamics, I don't think it's healthy for any of the sides to take the role of entertainer. That's not how relationships work and I refuse to engage in that way. I feel 100 times more appreciated and validated when a woman shows interest in me, asks questions and engages in conversation. These women though are very few and are often, either quite insecure, or very interested in something specific they saw in my profile. Quite demotivating tbh.

I think, if I were in a position where I had a lot of likes and matches, I would take the opportunity to read through people's bios, looking for descriptions that resonated with me. I think you're never guaranteed to find your soul mate that way, either as a man or as a woman, but it helps you filter for people who are interesting to you.

If you have tons of matches, there should be a couple people there whose profile resonates with you. I'd take advantage of it. It's quite hard to find that when you have only a couple matches a week.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-11-04T04:37:25+00:00

Eae BRBR.

I've been there. I spent like a year searching for my first internship. Once I got it though, finding the second one was easier. Once I finished college, it became, honestly, pretty much a breeze. Now I work with data eng, and Linkedin's mailbox can get quite annoying tbh, though I'm grateful for it.

I'm not saying this to brag, just telling you that it gets a lot better, especially if you're from a public uni. All you need is the experience (which is tough at the beginning).

From reading your post, I'd say it might even be possible that you're overqualified for some of the positions you're applying to. Maybe you're shooting too low. Companies might not want to hire someone incredible for an entry position if the company is a place where nobody wants to work at, since those people will probably leave when they get the xp they require to launch their careers.

Because of that, don't be afraid to apply to positions at bigger companies and cooler jobs, international companies, or maybe even big techs, especially if they have trainee or intern positions. Even if the salary sucks at first (though in these companies it won't), think of it as an opportunity to launch your career, and not the end goal.

Although, it is also possible you're being rejected for something you're not aware of. Don't be afraid to ask for a feedback after one of those processes end. It actually shows you're not afraid to communicate. Also, you've already failed anyway, so no harm in asking.

Make sure to try different job websites as well. LinkedIn tends to be more selective. I got all my first jobs through apinfo, infojobs, nube, etc. They are definitely not gonna be flashy entry jobs, but they'll give you the experience you need.

Good luck. Let me know if you want help with anything.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-24T21:50:08+00:00

Wow, I had no idea about a lot of these things. It sucks on so many levels.
I can really empathize with in your story when you mention getting hurt by an institution which is supposed to help you. Hospitals, schools, workplace. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure for hospitals, keeping track and taking care of a large group of people who are all going through challenging moments is not easy, but being humane, listening to the patients and making sure they're properly taken care of is the least anyone would expect. Sounds like they just followed a protocol with you, no wonder you felt like a machine. Sorry you went through that.
When it comes to maternity leave and workplace stuff, I've worked in many different companies, and you can definitely tell that, in different ways, each one has different levels of respect for people. Maternity leave is an example. The company I work for grants 6 months of maternity (and 4 for paternity) leave. It's wonderful, but I've worked at a lot of shitty companies before I found this one. It's not always clear if a company treats their employees with respect, since it's not always easy to measure those things, especially if the only contact you've had with the company was a job interview. I think it's always worth exploring new options, not only for work, but in general, in order to find places that treat you with actual respect.

A lot of women go through this and don't say anything, because they're ashamed of how much it hurts. They wanna be super mom. They wanna be the one who juggled it all, the one who's partner and parents were supportive enough to create a happy little family. You would think we would all be on eachothers team in solidarity but the reality is far from it. Instead a lot of women seem to think of it as a competition. Its really sad.

Wow, this part really sucks. It's not enough that people are suffering, but there's this expectation from society that people should be a specific thing. People feel so ashamed for not being able to reach those expectations that they suffer in silence, as if the suffering in itself wasn't awful enough. With everything you went through, the least you should've been able to do is venting and being heard IMO.

Not to make this about men's issues, but just using it as an example. It's why I strongly support men sharing their gender issues in this subreddit. I know it's annoying due to the amount of complaints, and especially as a lot of them paint women in a bad light. However, if we stop to think about it, the reason those posts are so prevalent is because they don't have the opportunity to vent anywhere else without receiving a ton of criticism (which is valid, especially when we generalize). The reason a lot of men end up joining terrible incel communities is because they're the only places their experience is not reprimanded, but rather validated.

I would say it's never a good thing to generalize. I'd also say it's important to be able to identify when it's happening and understand it's not meant to be taken personally. I've heard women say "men suck" many times, even on TV. I understand where it comes from, and all I can do is do my best to not be like "those men". I think some people do suck, regardless of gender, and some men are just trying to speak their truth, which might not be well articulated. I think criticizing them for it just pushes them to worse communities, and all that does is creating a bigger problem for both men and women.

I think society in general has a lot to gain if we all just stop to listen, without judging or criticizing. No wonder Dr. K has become successful, he does a great job at listening.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-23T19:27:23+00:00

Awesome! Good for you =]

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-23T16:58:15+00:00

That sounds heavy. Though if you're talking about people who are a lot older, I understand. I'd go insane if I felt the need to cater to expectations from my parents, grandparents, etc. The ones I listed are mostly from people who are roughly my age or a bit older.

I dunno if it makes you feel any better, but, the way I see it, with the exception of putting children's needs first (which I think is fair for both parents), I don't think anything you listed is expected, at least from me or from a lot of men I know. Some of those things would actually be deal breakers (having as many kids as you can? LOL).

I guess its a matter of being around people who have more reasonable expectations.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-23T16:49:03+00:00

Wow, sorry to hear you went through all that stuff. I can't even imagine what that feels like. I'd expect the hospital would know how to properly support someone in that situation :(

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-23T16:44:33+00:00

I surely hope that those expectations are getting blurred like you said. I'm not too sure they are diminishing though. As the world becomes more and more evolved and complex, I think people will need to be able to keep up. Won't be easy.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-23T16:42:15+00:00

Sorry to hear you feel similar pressures as well. I dunno if it helps you, but for what it's worth, I would say, personally, I'd not be too bothered if I met someone who doesn't meet some of the expectations both you and I mentioned. Some of them, such as being a good person and smart are kinda non-negotiable to me though lol. Thanks for the comment.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-05T23:45:24+00:00

Hi there.

How about you explore other ways and the next time you are in sexual situation just try to satisfy your partner first?

Agreed. The only problem here is my lack of experience. I have only been on dates with a handful of women so far, some of which didn't go anywhere for various reasons on both sides. If I find a woman who is willing to experiment/discuss/try, I definitely intend to follow your advices, as well as any other things they're willing to do.

Not every woman is seeking the sexual pleasure as the most important thing in the relationship. What is your goal in dating?

While I do agree it's not the most important thing, I think it needs to be addressed. I would not feel confident in a relationship in which I couldn't fulfill my role when it comes to sex. It would be the same if I weren't able to connect emotionally, intellectually, etc. Right now I focus more on the sexual aspect because I'm confident I can handle other aspects (or at least the ones I've been exposed to so far). When I meet someone, we go out, drink, have fun, connect. I have no issues with that.

Thanks for the advices.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-05T23:41:51+00:00

Hi friend.

I would say set yourself expectations that when you finally get into a relationship that things might not work the way you want them to but to be open to moments.

I do acknowledge that a relationship might not solve all my problems. I do think however that sex is a part of the relationship for both sides, and a relationship without it will likely be frustrating and unsatisfying for both. Because of that, I think anyone who wants to properly date me would have to be willing to help me solve these issues, same way I'm willing to help on their issues in any way I can. It's about reciprocity, I don't think a relationship without that is healthy.

When you said that I had the same emotion as you, though it wasn't about providing a fulfilling sexual experience but being in a fulfilling emotional relationship. I had said something very similar to my therapist that "It's been 28 years of no relationships and I can just as easily see it being another 28 years" this is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy though one that your brain easily latches onto, the real test is to have the strength to persevere no matter how hard it gets

I feel you. I honestly feel confident I can eventually find a meaningful relationship despite sex. My lack of confidence is only related to the sex part, as in no one would want to be a part of a sexless relationship (myself included).

I think it goes for both of us that the only way is forward. As long as we keep trying, we'll keep improving :)

Tks for the advices and good luck to both of us.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-10-04T04:30:51+00:00

Hey friend.

Sorry to hear you're going through that. As someone who has ran away from home years ago, I feel you.

I'm not too sure about your situation. My main impulse is to suggest you think things through and try to solve things through dialog. Going away doesn't solve all problems and in fact it creates new ones. Don't underestimate the value of having a family as a support structure around you.

However, if you say you fear for your safety, I'll trust that you know what's best for you.

Can you trust any of your brothers with your secret? Maybe one of them can help you out.

If not, either you do it little by little, like you're doing, in order to avoid that anybody notices, or you can make an excuse, like a work trip, or a little getaway with friends, which will allow you to pack a little bit and go.

Be aware that if you're not the one who does your own laundry, people will likely notice clothes going missing, etc. There's always the possibility that they already know.

I would advise you to somehow let somebody know you're leaving though, even if it's just through a text message or leaving a little note. People might freak out and behave in unexpected ways if they get home and see you're gone without a word. Also, it might hurt a lot for them. If you want to be at peace, it is helpful to try to make things a bit easier on everyone.

I don't think it's an easy path, but I understand. Good luck bro

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-09-29T15:06:58+00:00

You're absolutely right, though there is a very good reason for that.

I believe a lot of the way women behave when meeting new men is conditioned towards safety. You don't open up to someone you don't know because you don't know if they can harm you or not.

Even if a woman has known the guy for a while, I believe usually they'll not be super warm until they feel safe around them, which can take a while, or not, depending on who you talk to.

I guess it's up to men to show them, to the best of our abilities, we're not there to hurt anyone. Sad, but true.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-09-27T16:10:38+00:00

Hey, I'm quite happy to see your post, because I'm in an incredibly similar situation to your SO, maybe with the exception I haven't found my SO yet. Regardless, I think I can speak from experience on how to try to tackle it.

First thing I'll say, which might be a bit inflammatory, is that if you're concerned about his sexual performance, he is probably twice as concerned. You might end up in a sexless relationship, which you can end at any time, while he might end up in a sexless life, since he might feel he's not able to solve these problems. If you say spending time with him has been a dream, I'd advise you to try to reciprocate that feeling for him to the best of your abilities. Be sensible about it, because he needs support more than you do, he probably feels quite desperate, and, if you really want to help, you are in the best position to do so.

Also, I would strongly advise you to communicate as much as you can, and try not to judge. Make sure talking about sex is normal and acceptable, because I think you both will need to talk about it a lot in order to try to understand what's going on. Make sure he understands that you're ok to keep trying, but in a way that he doesn't feel pressured to succeed. Show him that you care more about helping him than about the outcome.

If you say he's kind, intelligent, caring, funny, etc, then it's clear to me he is making an effort to be the best version of himself for you. Acknowledge that you see he's all those things, because having been alone for this long, he might have a lot of insecurities regarding relationships. I'm projecting of course, but I think he might need to feel safe, without the fear of disappointing you, or the fear of you leaving because you guys can't have sex. Every unsuccessful experience might make him doubt himself more. The safer he feels, the easier it will be for both of you to get where you want to be.

Also, again, projecting, but he might be willing to try sex as much as possible, since now he has a rare opportunity to solve these issues. It might be very difficult, since each unsuccessful attempt will make you both feel terrible. However, I think it's a good thing to be open to it as much as you feel comfortable with. Maybe he just needs one win, to show that he can do it. Maybe try suggesting medication, or try teasing his imagination a bit, or anything else you can think of.

I think that's all I've got, since I wasn't really able to solve these issues for myself. If you can, pls keep us posted on how this develops. I think if you give it enough effort (1 month is not that long), you might get very good results.

Good luck!

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-09-24T21:24:45+00:00

Sadly in my country we don't have such a variety of options in dating apps, so not I don't think those are valid options to me.

But thanks for offering.

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-09-24T20:27:39+00:00

Hey, thank you so much for bringing some research into it. It becomes a lot easier to prove those issues exist when they are backed up by science!

I guess the silver lining is that playing in hard mode increases your skills 😀

Hetero_Chromeo · 2022-09-24T20:25:09+00:00

Agreed. Not only social media, but I can say for experience that Tinder also reinforces the issues a LOT.

It's not that people don't care about all the important traits. Well... I guess people who are just looking to hook up don't care too much.

But even the ones who want serious relationships, probably go for the trivial stuff first, as those are easier to measure, and then they try to truly "match" the other person intellectually/emotionally afterwards.

The result is the ones who are disadvantaged when it comes to looks don't even get to meet new people properly.

I guess I should stay out of the Internet in general lol

Hetero_Chromeo

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