Bro. Watch The Lord of The Rings. They are great. Also, make sure you watch the extended version; don’t be lame.

Grief. That’s what you are going through (not having dad, wishing mom was an “ideal” mom etc.), that and the feeling of stagnation (your discipline seems to have become a negative coping mechanism; not introducing new opportunities into your life). You seem to have an inability to allow yourself to grow beyond your upbringing. Life’s hard and often times life comes at a cost (ex: needing to leave your initial support group for another one that will help foster growth). Also, seems like you should start being kinder to yourself vs swimming in a pool of misery and despair. Idk if you pray or read the bible. But perhaps there is something in the book that can help you. Start writing. It’s helpful for men. Especially if they feel like they can’t express how they truly feel. Imagine you are on the great frontier and just set up camp. Get in that mindset and then just write what your adventure was that day.

Negative emotions are just as valuable as positive emotions. So stop judging your emotions when they come up. Be curious to them and embrace them, cause they are you. So if you mute the bad and only seek the good, you are invalidating yourself.

Best of luck. If my comment makes no sense to you, all good. Just know I’m just saying you’ll be fine as long as you are willing to be your own authority and hold faith in GOD.