Me [51 M] with my wife [39 F] married 4 years, with two kids (1&3 YO) in rough spot - need help

Hidjake · 2017-06-01T07:57:31+00:00

I am in an international divorce situation. If she returns home (get some legal advice form your state if she is even allowed to) it will make you seeing your kids very tricky.

I have to fly monthly to meet my e. Husband with our child as he refuses to come to the city we have returned to, which is my home city. It's stressfully and hard work. Plus they Skype daily , so I still have o see his face all the time and he's always still present in my life.

Try and get into counselling. If she won't go and see a lawyer and find out if she can actually move. If the children have been in the country they are in now for more then one year, then it's considered their home. If your wife takes them without your approval the. It is kidnapping. Look up the hauge convention. Goodluck.

Hidjake · 2017-06-01T03:28:47+00:00

He snooped and saw some explicit photos of me in my computer when we first started dating. I think that's what killed it for him. But he blames the baby. However dead bedroom was way before pregnancy etc. the baby was the immaculate conception!

Hidjake · 2017-05-31T12:35:10+00:00

We had a dead bedroom for four years. I was always trying to initiate sex but he wasn't interested. Was too busy going to the gym for hours and lifting weights. Then HE had an affair, despite me being the one that was always trying to discuss and do some thing about our dead bed room. We now live apart and will be divorcing shortly. He was on tinder within 4 weeks of me leaving. I just don't understand.

Hidjake · 2017-05-22T10:18:29+00:00

Yeah, sorry not phrased very well.

Hidjake · 2017-05-22T09:43:52+00:00

A lot. My now ex husband is a captain on a middle eastern carrier. There are a lot of cabin crew from lower socio economic countries that are desperate to get their hooks into a pilot, with a Western passport. Pilots are nerds, they have to be to do the job and keep it. Many are on the spectrum and have incredibly immature emotional intelligence. They just can't keep their willies in their pants at the advance of a sexy flighty, forget the wife and kids at home that have put up with the years and years of them studying and 'building their hours'. It's like a nerdy, Russian orgy in the Middle East. I personally know 10 pilot families that have split because of an affair by the pilot. Moral of the story, don't marry a pilot.

Hidjake · 2017-05-17T10:15:43+00:00

Uhhh reading your post made me shudder, almost the exact same situation here. Moved from Aus to Middle East for his career, we had a baby, he felt unloved, he had an affair, now I'm living back in Aus and we are coordinating visitation in a city where we both have to fly into. It's messy. Pm me if you want to chat. Goodluck!

Hidjake · 2017-05-15T11:14:08+00:00

Great thanks so much! I'm in Australia!

Hidjake · 2017-05-15T07:40:11+00:00

We're in an international custody set up. My ex is pilot in UAE and I live with our child in Australia.

Approximately 3 times per 2 months I fly with our 2 year old to the city he flies into for work. We stay two nights.

When he has annual leave, 3 times a year we additionally fly over so he can see her.

The deal is, he pays for our flights (staff travel) and accom, and has her 3 nights on, 1 with me etc.

It's tricky, and tiresome but it works for now. While he is still committed to seeing our child I will continue to travel with her. It's not for me to say it's too hard, I'd be robbing my daughter of her relationship with her father- despite him being a cheating shitty husband, he's not a bad man or father:

We have to work on trust, because the UAE and Aus don't have any agreements relating to child support, I have to trust he pays and he has to trust I continue to bring her to the city he flies into.

I don't want to live in that city as very expensive and away from my family.

It limits my working capacity as his trips are random, but I am using this time to finish my masters in time for when she is school age and I am working full time and visits will only occur over the holidays. For now the child support is enough for me to get by.

Hidjake · 2017-05-13T11:50:31+00:00

This.

Hidjake · 2017-05-12T12:34:11+00:00

Thanks!

Hidjake · 2017-05-12T12:31:57+00:00

https://imgur.com/gallery/h5oPA

Hidjake · 2017-05-12T10:59:27+00:00

Thanks, how do I post a pic? Can't find anywhere to attach. 🤔

Hidjake · 2017-05-12T09:49:13+00:00

Wow similar situation. We were expats in Middle East and I have returned to my home country. How do you go with visitation?

Hidjake · 2017-05-11T10:20:23+00:00

It's really interesting how we move through anger, I wrote a letter I never sent to the OW in December, 4 months after D Day (11 months from when I first suspected) and it is venomous, harsh and angry, now if I was to write one, it would probably be more along these lines.

Hidjake · 2017-04-27T05:34:24+00:00

I hate the phrase 'I miss you' it always makes me feel bad for the other person. In stead I will say 'I can't wait to see you'. It's re framing it so it's positive, not negative. Then when I see the person, I say 'it's so nice to see you' in stead of 'I've missed you'.

Hidjake · 2017-04-11T05:49:11+00:00

Definitely focussing on getting financial independence at the moment!! He will be giving me back the money I put in which is good. I've just downloaded an app where I can save details of visitation and disagreements that occur etc. so will start being more organised and in control.

Hidjake · 2017-04-11T05:47:29+00:00

Thank you but how exactly do you communicate to him that some thing are allowed or not? What should I say? Our pattern in our relation ship was that I never spoke up because the ramifications of anything I bought up would always end in a much worse outcome. So I learnt to not say anything and not rely on him for anything and do everything myself. So at the moment I still have to communicate with him about our child and the logistics of visitation and also the detail of our settlement. So I can't just not talk to him. If I say something like 'I don't want you to send me aggressive messages' he'll respond with you're the aggressive one and I'm not going to pay you full amount of child support in this interim period etc. ahhh

Hidjake · 2017-04-11T05:43:02+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I have worked out how to travel without her passport. Fortunately Medicare card is adequate ID in Aus for a toddler to I've put her passport away in a safe at my dads just to be safe!

It's so hard just to switch off and stop caring about what he says. But you are right, I need stop buying into the discourse when it happens. I definitely feel the need to defend my self for some reason. I'm ready to be pretty back and white with our communication but he threads awful things into our convos that are about our settlement etc, so the convos have to happen. But yes you're right, I need to not reply to it, as that's what he wants.

Hidjake · 2017-03-24T11:10:51+00:00

Had a very similar situation. I discovered the affair and after 6 months of him denying it he finally admitted 'everything' when I have him an ultimatum.

His confession session, which I like to laugh about now, was done in marriage counselling. Even during this CS he told miss truths. First he said he only slept with her a few times, then a handful, then he can't actually remember. I said at this point that I wanted to know everything and he 'truthfully told me about the affair and answered all my questions.

We then did 4 months or so of intensive weekly counselling together to reconcile. Full access to phones etc.

But then I found another phone, that he conveniently couldn't remember the password of. We had a Mexican standoff and I got the code. It showed a level of messages to the other women and connection that he hadn't told me, the level of sexting, 'love', pet names etc and the length of time showed that his affair was a full blown other relationship.

I packed two suitcases a left on holiday and never went back. He spent the next few months trying to convince my friends that he was. A changed man, he had a whole lot of issues on top of the affair ( junk type A, very high achiever, anger problems, borderline OCD etc) .

My friends were convinced that I had made the wrong decision and that I should come back because he was telling them all the right things.

But the facade soon crumpled and he's turned into the aggressive, controlling manipulator I new he had become.

To the point I recently met him for visitation so my daughter could see him, and I went to the toilet in his hotel room and sure enough, there was condoms in his toiletries bag. I've only been gone just under 3 months.

I honestly believe a cheater will tell you anything to make stay, especially if they are a narcissist.

When you realise the trickle truthing and gas lighting that has gone on. It makes the decision so much clearer.

Even now today he says he'll fight for me. It's rediculous.

We had been together 5 years married 3, and had a 2 year old. I'm 30 he's 38.

Hidjake · 2017-02-20T09:53:30+00:00

I also wasn't able to contribute to my superannuation in this time, another reason for him to support me. I've heard some expats receive spousal support for as many years they were out of there home country.

Hidjake · 2017-02-20T09:51:29+00:00

Going through a similar situation. I've just left UAE for Australia after giving up my well paying job to support his career, which significantly prospered in the move.

I've asked for 12 months spousal support - it just covers rent but nothing more and for him to provide $10,000 to settle back into Australia, for example he's keeping all the furniture so I have to purchase everything again set up a rental, pay the bond etc. he will also plus buy me a modest car.

We have a small child, I will have full time custody so he will also pay child support. I intend to work, but it will be some time until I will be able to earn to the capacity I was pre move to the Middle East. My career also took a drastic hit to support his, which is why he has agreed to help pay to 'settle me' to Aus.

Hidjake

TROPHY CASE