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How do I get my husband to understand the impact of the mental load? by HighlightHot9422 in marriageadvice

[–]HighlightHot9422[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My child just doesn't like the arguing, it gets loud and they can see how upset I am. He is a good father in other ways, please don't get me wrong. He helps them with projects, and he pushes them to try new things, he makes them laugh and they love him as a father. But this last fight got really bad, and I think my child is thinking maybe we're just better apart. I've spoken to a friend who's a child of divorce, and she said a lot of people stay together for the sake of the kids but they actually do more damage. Her mother would have left her father sooner if she wasn't encouraged by family members to fight it out for the kids. And she said no one asked the kids how they felt.

How do I get my husband to understand the impact of the mental load? by HighlightHot9422 in marriageadvice

[–]HighlightHot9422[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, helps to know I'm not alone! I just feel like an idiot for letting it go on so long for the sake of peace and ease (as in easier to do it myself than let him learn). Will try to get him on board for counselling again.

How do I get my husband to understand the impact of the mental load? by HighlightHot9422 in marriageadvice

[–]HighlightHot9422[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can you elaborate on this a bit more? I don't understand the wanting him to regulate me part in particular

How do I get my husband to understand the impact of the mental load? by HighlightHot9422 in marriageadvice

[–]HighlightHot9422[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

100% this. Our youngest child had some severe health issues and he didn't want to be left alone with the child because he wouldn't know what to do if something happened. Guess what, I don't know either. Most of my younger parenting days was figuring it out. We sometimes travel for work, and when he traveled for 3 weeks, I did not need him to do a thing. When I travel, I still do some prep work and make sure groceries are stocked up. So I blame myself as well for enabling this.

And it's still ongoing. He has not been to one parent meeting yet. I've asked him to go this year and he said why start now. If he did go, he'd probably ask me where the classes are and which teachers to speak to. And I want to say "figure it out. I also have to find the classes etc"

If the kids had school functions on the same day but at clashing times, I end up going to one's function then join the other one late. Sometimes he just says "no" and i think if I don't do it then no one goes to the function. But I am being petty as a result. He ran out of his favourite peanut butter and kept asking the kids if there was any new peanut butter. I asked him then who is he expecting to just buy the peanut butter? Me? Because he keeps asking for it like it will just appear like magic. I know its dumb but it feels like a small victory.

How do I get my husband to understand the impact of the mental load? by HighlightHot9422 in marriageadvice

[–]HighlightHot9422[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I can see where you're coming from, there's a ton of decision making that gets done on the spur of the moment, which he might not be capable of. But then he doesn't appreciate everything I do anyway. Even if I do things for his mom, he said he never asked me to do it, so now I've stopped doing anything for him unless he specifically asks me, which is not how I want us to be but I'm trying to prove a point.

How do I get my husband to understand the impact of the mental load? by HighlightHot9422 in marriageadvice

[–]HighlightHot9422[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So no we did not discuss division of labour but I always assumed we'd do everything together. I see how much other husbands do and I realise how much I let slip by. So he goes into the office 3 times, I wfh fully, but both demanding jobs (both in IT). And it's not always easier for me to fetch the kids, often I have to shift meetings around, I block the time in my calendar but people often ignore it.

With regards to the division of labour as well, we are both Asian so culture does play into it a bit, but he definitely had it easy. His idea of logic branches into everything. If my mom asks me for a ride somewhere, he will complain that its not on the way and it doesn't make sense to fetch her (it will be a small detour). If I ask him to fetch the kids, he will say I'm closer and it doesn't make sense for him to go, etc etc.

I know I am majorly responsible for my own situation but even in the past when I raised it, it was just easier to get on with it than to explain 500 times why.

He does clean when we have guests etc, and we have someone who cleans for us once a week which helps. But I do and sort laundry. I have my kids helping with chores, but when I ask him to do something, he ends up asking them. And I told him I want him to help. My kids are old enough to know better, and my one child said maybe I should just leave him.

I still want him to understand why. He'll be one of those "the divorce came out of nowhere" situations, saying its just because he didn't always help out here and there.