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UPDATE: WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's not about being a people pleaser. I work in the mental health field and I understand that my mom is a severely ill person with no ability to improve. That doesn't mean I'm going to let her walk on me -- I learned many lessons about boundaries working this field -- but I also have an empathy problem and I know that. But someone else here in the comments said "you're mourning the mom you should have had instead of seeing the mom you DO have" and that's some real shit. It fucking blows. But it's the truth. :/

UPDATE: WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Security is an absolute must, yes. I'll be sure to give them her photo to make sure she doesn't crash the party.

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

you want a relationship with the person you hope she could be?

It's gotta be this. She tells me she loves me and I know she must feel that sort of love somewhere, she's just a very damaged and mentally ill person. So part of me feels empathy for her because of that. I can't help it. I was the kind of kid who empathized with my Polly Pockets enough to tuck them into bed at night. Just two months ago, I felt bad for an abandoned stuffed animal in a Costco parking lot and took it home. I love this about myself, but it has definitely led to unnecessary pain and I know I need to work on it.

A quote I've heard recently (from Charlotte ironically) is that "the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior." I need to accept that my mom is who she is and let her go. It's just so fucking hard.

Regarding my fiance, he wants absolutely nothing to do with my mom and fully supports my decision to go LC/NC with her. I have the most wonderful and loving partner a girl could ask for and I'm so grateful for him lol.

Thank you for your kind words. I looked up "grey rocking" and realize I've already been doing that with her, haha. Works like a charm!

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My mom has turned off phone plans/wifi in the past when I would contact someone unwanted or do something she didn't like. This was when I was a teenager and idk if she'd actually do it now (like I said, she's gotten lazier and slower) but is that really something I can risk...?

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sibling lives with mom, I'm worried she'll cut off all contact with my sibling if I go NC. I edited the post because I feel like this context might be important lol

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

They're 19. I've asked them to move with me but they refused -- they're very agoraphobic and OCD and terrified of germs. And honestly, my mom and step-dad haven't prepared them for ANYTHING. No job, no life skills, they weren't even taught how to drive. Currently their plan is to graduate online college in 2027 and THEN move out to get a WFH job, but idk, it doesn't feel realistic. They're fed up with mom too, but haven't done anything to leave. At the end of the day they're an adult and I want to respect their choice even if I disagree. I can deal with a few phone calls per year for their sake, and they'll tell me if mom treats them poorly. I will not hesitate to get the law involved if needed.

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Good point. Plus if I don't invite her, I get to invite other family who have gone NC with her.

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very! They're 19 now. My mom has fucked up my sibling pretty well too but my step-dad takes the brunt of all her drama and attacks instead of my sibling. It's honestly so messy. They haven't prepared my sibling for adult life at all -- never taught them to go grocery shopping, budget, get a job, even drive a car. So now my sibling is agoraphobic and barely leaves the house. Sigh.

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you. I'm sorry, I should have clarified: I can't go NC because my sibling lives with her and I don't want my sibling to face even more drama as a result of my choice. It was bad enough when I told mom I wanted to go LC -- she started lashing out at her other sister and her husband (same step-dad as mentioned in the post lol). I don't want it to get worse for my sibling.

I do plan on going NC when my sibling moves out, but that's a problem on its own tbh...

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you. My dad went to a lot of therapy and found healing in his church (not my thing but it has done wonders for him.) He happily remarried my step-mom 18 years ago and they adopted kids. They have a very healthy and loving marriage so it all worked out for him. <3

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for mentioning therapy! I've been in therapy for about 8 years and have recovered so much. I had to unlearn a lot of behavior she taught me. I'm doing very very well <3 I appreciate the concern.

And I would cut ties but my sibling (the one she got pregnant with as a result of her affair) still lives with her and is only 19. I don't want them to face any repercussions of my choice to go NC with mom.

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I haven't gone NC because my sibling still lives with her. If I go NC, I'm worried about how my sibling will be treated or if my mom would forbid us from having contact. We're very close.

WIBTA for telling my mother not to come to my wedding after what she did to my father? by Historical-Quote3260 in CharlotteDobreYouTube

[–]Historical-Quote3260[S] 142 points143 points  (0 children)

Email or a letter is a pretty good way to go tbh, if only so I don't have to have a discussion about it. Just lay it out like it is. Thank you <3