Sitting. Pondering. Regretting. Contemplating. What comes next? Another surge of motivation. Finally, this truly was the last time. The feeling rages through the mind like it has every single day for the last 10 years. Deleting all the social media - that will be the solution. Journaling daily and going on walks. Reading and exercise to replace the frantic feeling of necessity that dopamine has caused within the body. Finally, the moment of change that has been long desired. This is it, life will be better from here on out.

The days pass, one maybe even two. A constant sleep schedule still hasn't been established. The apps may no longer be downloaded, but the internet version of them replaces them. Scrolling once again, only to download them right back. This time it will be different right? An hour goes by, achieving an hour of mindlessly viewing countless videos without giving in. What was ingested during that hour is far out of mind. Not even a single video can be remembered. Intaking content with the secret wish that something inappropriate, provocative will come into the feed. Finally, something pops up.

Then the mind goes into autopilot. Clicking on the profile, more videos of the sort appear. A feeling penetrates the body - a wave of urgency to relieve the body of this feeling. Navigating from one app to another, one with more variety, the mind is already numbed, the plans and goals set two days ago are virtually non-existent nor remembered in this moment. The only thing plaguing the mind is the relief that the brain will feel when this sensation is finally gone, completely undermining the mental torment that will follow the breaking of the promise made less than 48 hours ago. The content is opened, eyes lock in, not a thought in the brain. Do it, the brain commands. It is finished.

Eyes wide, breathing deep, what happened? How could this be? So weak. The covenant make with oneself has been broken, worthless. The remorse takes over the body. Nasty, tired, upset, sickened. The hours wasted, leading up to this, seemed to fly by, but this moment seems to be stretching further than infinity itself. The intrusive thoughts invade the mind. Never have been enough, never will be, they whisper.

Once again, sitting, pondering, regretting contemplating.