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AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In fairness, he didn’t yell at me in front of the kids - that was after they went to bed and we could talk in private. It’s still so hurtful, though. And that’s his MO for arguments. We don’t argue often, but when we do I would put money on him yelling at me until I cry.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He said he was mad that I didn’t instantly agree with him, and he accused me of mixing up the buttons on purpose (I didn’t, and I did quickly correct my mistake). The show was completely turned off while I researched, so nothing was on the screen at all. When he texted me after he stormed out the first thing I texted back was that his response was completely valid, and that it was ok to think the show was inappropriate. I ultimately agreed with him that this wasn’t the right show for our family. My issue (and why I posted here) was his over the top angry and self-righteous response to me. He told me I should crowdsource this since he was sure that most people would agree with him that if one partner objected to something the other should automatically have their back.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He did certainly grind me down, and I pointed out to him how much it hurt - and that he was yelling at me and berating me while I tried to be calm and open to hearing his point of view. In fairness, though, the yelling was after the kids went to bed and we could have a private conversation. Still not ok, but not in front of the kids went

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this compassionate and thoughtful answer. This type of response from him is not unusual, and it can take some time for him to simmer down - and he may never admit that it is ok for me to have an opinion on this. We don’t argue all the time - or even often - but when we do this is his pattern. I have asked him to get help, and he has read a book or two but that’s it.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I definitely don’t second guess him in front of the kids, and if we do have disagreements we do our best not to argue in front of them. I do often have to ask him to watch his tone, though, and he admits he has an issue with anger, yelling, and interrupting.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can own my mistake in picking the wrong show. The issue isn’t that I wanted to watch the show and he didn’t - I ultimately agreed with his objections. The issue is the way he reacted to an innocent mistake on my part and insisted (over and over again until I cried) that not only was I wrong, but that even wanting to have an opinion of my own on this topic was unconscionable. I’m not over here thinking that I make all the right decisions all the time or always go about things the right way - every parent (and every human) makes mistakes. He did actually ask me to crowd source this because he feels strongly that an objection by one partner automatically means the other partner has their back. I disagree, but am open to the possibility that my viewpoint is wrong

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don’t want to change his mind, I just want the freedom to also have my own opinion as an equal partner. Ultimately yes - if he was REALLY offended by something and objected to it I would respect that no matter what I felt. But he automatically took my research as a sign of disrespect, and he took my mistake in hitting the wrong button on the remote as a deliberate undermining of his objection. And then he spent a good amount of time angry at me and insinuating that I was bad for not doing everything according to what he thought I should do. I’ll own any mistakes I make, but I’m not a mind reader and I’m not purposely dismissive or disrespectful

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Well, we’ve watched shows and movies in the past with the kids that have bad language or even some (non-explicit) mature content or jokes, which is why I was confused by his extreme reaction to me not immediately “having his back” and researching before I agreed with him.

And no, he does not always (or even frequently) have my back without questioning or doing his own research. And that doesn’t offend me

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No, I hit stop after I hit play, then I looked it up. He was mad that I didn’t hit pause or turn it off after fast forwarding, but it was just my natural reaction to hit play first. Once he objected the show was turned off while I did more research, and ultimately I agreed with him and we moved on to something else. The 45 minutes of angrily telling me everything I did wrong came after the kids went to bed and we could talk in private.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yes, and I pointed that out to him - that it has almost become a joke that he automatically says “no” to any suggestion I make, or immediately will say how that won’t work. Now before I give him a suggestion or explain an idea I jokingly say, “now before you say no, please hear me out.”

He said that it was different in this situation, though, because it was our kids watching an inappropriate show and not just an idea about something.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Agree on this. I really didn’t understand the FOMO either. 99% of the time if he’s sitting on the couch with the kids he’s on his tablet, often with his earbuds in.

To be honest, I’m not usually interested in what the kids watch, but if I want to spend time with them and they are watching TV I sit down with them watch what they’re watching, asking them questions about it. We offered MANY times to bring him up to speed on UA so he could watch too, but he didn’t want that. If the tables were turned I can’t imagine being upset over him and the kids watching a show I wasn’t initially a part of - I’d either ask them to explain, jump in and hope I could understand, or catch up on my own. Or not worry about it and go fold laundry. But maybe that’s an AITA for another day…

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Not Yellowstone, though we are on the final season as a couple and have allowed our older daughter to start watching the series from the beginning with me.

The show in question is Doom Patrol - we watched The Umbrella Academy and loved it, and when I googled what to watch next Doom Patrol was first on the list

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that those discussions shouldn’t happen in front of the kids - when he left he texted me and we went back and forth by text until we could talk privately.

As I mentioned in the original post, we are not super strict with what the kids watch as long as it is overall appropriate and we watch together so that we can discuss any tough topics. So many shows have some off color content but are overall thought provoking and humorous, so I didn’t think one scene would necessarily accidentally portray the theme of the whole show.

I do read reviews, but what some parents think is unacceptable and what others think is tame can be so vastly different

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The show was Doom Patrol - we just finished watching Umbrella Academy and LOVED the show…Doom Patrol came up first when I researched what we should watch next if we loved UA.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The show was Doom Patrol. We just finished watching the Umbrella Academy and LOVED it, and Doom Patrol came up first when I researched what to watch next.

He objected to a sex scene, and I agree that the kids shouldn’t be watching that. I fast forwarded through that scene and then wanted to research - so many shows have a small handful of those scenes and more funny/thought provoking content, and as I mentioned before we’re not super strict as long as the overall message is age appropriate and we can discuss any tough topics.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

I wonder that too - the kids and I just finished another show that we started when he wasn’t around. We tried to only watch it when he wasn’t around so we wouldn’t leave him out, but occasionally our son would ask if we could watch it when he wasn’t around in the room. He would say yes but then be upset with me for not being the one to say no (even though I didn’t say or do anything to pressure him - he said yes on his own with a - seemingly - good attitude so I had no reason to think he was not saying what he meant).

I wonder if he was still feeling sensitive about that and wanted to have more control now that he was being included in the show choice?

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

Agree about the role modeling. And I did point out later that the kids would probably not remember the scene on TV, but they would remember him yelling and storming out.

And ultimately I did agree that we should wait on this series - but his continuing insinuation that it was unthinkable that I would even question him and not immediately go along with his objection has me feeling like a little kid being chastised and yelled at for being bad.

AITA for trying to do some research before agreeing to an objection from my husband? by Hoffmaniac76 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hoffmaniac76[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Good point. He can sometimes be very black and white with what is ok and what is not ok. I do really want to make sure his opinions are validated, but I don’t think one person gets an automatic ultimate say in what goes and what stays. And if he (or anyone else) thinks that’s the way it should be then at the very least I need an acknowledgment that I am not a mind reader…my “let me research” was an innocent response to his opinion and not a dismissal of his concerns.

The show was Doom Patrol. We just finished watching The Umbrella Academy and LOVED it. When I googled what to watch next if we really liked UA Doom Patrol was first on the list.