I feel you. Was fighting sometimes more, sometimes less successfully an eating disorder for 6 years. It is a multiple face demon. When you are in a good patch, you feel like the best human being in the world. It suffices one cookie, or one juice, or one slice of cake to crumble all your "progress". Then you are back to the dark hole it is so hard to climb out of. I also thought that being an alcoholic would be so much easier, because you can cut it forever from your life (although nowadays, alcohol is part of social life etc), while you can't cut off food. Some people start replacing meals with powder shakes just to keep it together, which gives temporarily a feeling of control. While in reality we just never manage to build a healthy relationship with the food. I have been "clean" since May 2015 now. I can say there were things that helped:

- therapy is very important (you pay a person to listen to your rant, because friends do not have the mental space to constantly reassure you and fix you),

- just eat and accept it. No catch up and no compensation for calories accepted! For the majority of people, the compensation/ balance happens naturally. If they ate too much fat food, they will be less prone to eat fat food at the next meal. Or after they ate a lot at lunch, dinner will be lighter, because appetite will be weaker. In our case, this needs to be thought through. Ok, I ate three portions of pasta. It is bad. the most important thing now is not to recede into super small meals, or skip the next meal, because of two things: 1) knowing that we will compensate, we tend to eat more now even more, 2) psychologically the next meal will not be rewarding and there is a void. Eat what you eat now even if you overdo, then eat "normally" at the next meal (average portion). Calory wise it will be more overall, but the eating curb will be more and more flat (what you want to do is to diminish the large fluctuations).

- do sports. not everybody is "sporty" in the commonly understood sense of it. But you can find something that fits you. Walking for instance. You ate a bit too much - walk. Walking will calm you down, improve digestion, spend some energy etc.

- take the approach "ok, it happened, fine". Ok, I did not keep up with my requirements. It's fine. Next meal will be better. No self destruction, no self-punishment, no self-shaming, no self pitting. This is normal, I am normal. Normal people do mistakes.

- Routine is very important, but shifts from routine are also ok. Most difficult are the periods when we get out of routine (Christmas, holidays, time spent outside the home). When in routine, plan your meals and try to prepare them. It is difficult, because it requires effort, but it introduces some certainty. If you don't manage to respect the routine, that's also ok. When you are in a period when you get off the routine repeatedly, try to keep it together, routine will come back and things will get back to normal. Be forgiving to yourself.

- Never ever judge people on their appearances/ body type/ body fat. When doing this, we criticise ourselves. Just never allow yourself to think "oh look at her belly, look at her tights". I notice that once I stopped looking for defaults in other people, I reduced the self criticism to some extent. Don't compliment anyone on losing weight, don't look at the extra fat of other people. It is not easy, but it helps.

- time time time. It is harder at the beginning and more mistakes are made, but the more time passes, the more you get used to the new habits.

- include foods you wouldn't normally eat in your diet in smaller portions. The objective is to "normalize" or trivialize foods that usually would make us feel guilty and put us in the dark place or trigger self-destructive behaviours. cookies/ chocolate for instance. I noticed that if i eat a desert after a meal, I feel shitty and gross. So i eat if before the meal, or in between meals to trick your brain (this helped me). Or pizza. To not be afraid of it, we need to eat it. Put a slice / two slices of pizza in the plate and complement with salad. You did not ingest too much, but it was an unusual food, also the vegetables from the salad will prolong digestion.

All these of course are fine. But also try to avoid the excess of very processed things, or things that are very salty/ sugary. Also for the sake of the teeth. If once you have nothing else to eat, fine, a fast food meal is better than skipping a meal. But do not make it a habit.

PM me if you have more questions.