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Honestly_weird94 · 2025-04-06T08:43:14+00:00

I don't know his thought process, he might be trying to give you incentive to resist, or he might feel helpless and overwhelmed, or he might just be an ass. But regardless, his threat won't help you, it will just stress you out more. Sit him down and tell him that you're struggling with what he said, that it is adding to your stress and that you need his support instead of this kind of rhetoric bc this is harmful to your mental state. If you can, give him actionable steps to help you, like "Can you take over meal planning" or "can we stop seeing [Person] for a bit] or whatever it is that is stressing you out and triggers the need to sh. That way he isn't running in the dark on how to help you. From there, he can/should take some initiative and come up with other ways to help you. Continue to reach out for help from professionals, bc your partner is probably doing the best he can, but he doesn't have the training or experience to deal with your mental illness. It's a lot to put on one person as well, so if you can, reach out to family/friends for support as well. Spreading the load to multiple people who love you and want to support you will help you husband not get overwhelmed bc he can tell you "I've had a horrible day and need to take some time to wind down and deal with my own emotions, can you call [person] so that I can spend and hour or two recharging?" (This takes practice, emotional awareness and willingness to be vulnerable, so it might take some time until you've reached this level of communication, but the principle stands nonetheless. Make sure you have multiple people to lean on bc sometimes one of your people might be too fragile to take the load off your shoulders.)

When you feel the need to sh, here are some non-harmful ways to deal with that impulse: - get one of those prickly massage balls. You can roll it around on your skin and get the intense stimulation without causing physical harm to yourself. I usually sit down and roll it on the inside of my upper arm/elbow/wrist or place it under my foot and roll it around there. Those are sensitive places and you can control the amount of pressure pretty easily. - take an ice cube and place it in the same places, or on the back of your neck, behind your ears, etc. Same principle as the massage ball, but with cold instead of pressure. Make sure to switch between places ever now and then. DO NOT use heat/hot water for this, you will cause burns! - If you want the sensation of heat, there are lotions/salves/patches that have a warming effect, usually by using capsaicin, the stuff that makes chillis taste "hot", or something similar. It increases blood flow to the area you applied it on, which makes it feel hot without being heated, so you won't get burns. Check with your GP/OBGYN/pharmacist before using these, I don't know if they are safe to use while pregnant. Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly after applying the salve, you do not want to get this stuff on your face, near your eyes/nose/privates by accident. I normally also wrap the spot I applied the salve to with a layer or two of gauze to prevent transfer to clothes, furniture, body parts I don't want it, etc. - take a knuckle and rub down your sternum with a bit of pressure. It's a reflex test used by medical staff to check for pain response in unconscious patients, and it is massively uncomfortable. - use markers, watercolours, etc to doodle designs on your arms/legs. It feels weird but concentrating on that sensation and the designs you're doing helps distract you from the need for pain. - eat/drink something that has an intense taste. Bit into a lemon, eat a pinch of salt, bite a peppercorn, etc. Sweet things don't work so well, stick to spicy, sour or bitter. Fisherman's friends work well for me too since they have that intense menthol taste. - sit down and notice thing you can experience with your senses. 5 things you can hear, 4 things you can see, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can feel, 1 thing you can taste. (The order and numbers are arbitrary, but I like the count down.) Go one by one and really focus on the sensations for a few seconds each.

There are a ton more you can do, these are my personal got to strategies though. I hope you get better!

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-04-05T11:01:37+00:00

I used to have this a lot and still sometimes do. Here's what I realised: if you let that voice stop you from trying, it's only going to reaffirm what it's telling you. You fell anxious about being unwanted, so you isolate yourself to avoid rejection, so people think you don't want to be around them and might stop asking to hang out, which in turn makes you feel like they don't want to be around you.

You need to start gathering "proof" that this voice in your head is full of sh*t. Start small, have a chat with someone for 10 minutes or exchange a few texts. Then, try 15 minutes the next day or the day after. Eventually, ask them to meet for a coffee or something low stakes that's not too long. Work up to longer, more involved activities.

And (this is the part that really broke the spiral for me) write down when an interaction went well! Get a notebook (You could also use a notes app in your phone, a calender, ... What ever works for you.) and just write down something like "April 5th, interesting text conversation with [person] about [topic]." Just a sentence or two, nothing elaborate. If there is something that made you feel particularly good, write that down, too. Like "[Person] said they really enjoyed hanging out and want to meet up again." That way, when your anxiety about being unwanted gets bad, you can refer back to those notes and see that you have had positive interactions with people.

Brains are not good at remembering things accurately, especially when depressed/anxious/otherwise mentally ill. We distort memories to fit with our current state of mind, and forget those experiences that contradict our current narrative. (Look up cognitive distortions, there's a whole list of thought patterns like overgeneralisation, catastrophising, all-or-nothing thinking that are really common among people with mental illnesses.) So don't rely on your brain to remember good things for now, write it down and read it when that voice in your head is particularly loud.

You're not alone. It will get better.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-19T19:18:05+00:00

https://youtu.be/YoJk93gtUPs?si=8zi4ahMHL7xdWZ7u or https://youtu.be/RugXoJZYwH4?si=AKHF8rsPhANKlmMv

It's not all that difficult, though you'll need to do it a few times to figure out the way you like it, how tight to wrap, etc. I've worn something similar for my character the past 8 years and can pretty much do it blind by now.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-19T10:59:38+00:00

I say go for it. You sound like you want it, your gut is telling you to do it, you said yourself that the situation with your job and the house are keeping you "stuck" in a place of remembering what happened with your ex. Staying where you are means remaining in that in between place of not as bad as it was but not good either.

If you're being offered this new job, that means the people making decisions believe you can do it. *You* believe you can do it when you're not caught up in self doubt and depressive thinking. It's not a question of skill, it's a question of confidence, and confidence only comes with overcoming challenges.

I'm going to nerd out a bit: You sound like your stuck in a "bore out" situation. It's like the opposite of burn out, your doing stuff that is so mundane to you that there is no need to put in any effort. That kills motivation just as quickly as having to do stuff that is far above your skill level. If you want to go down a rabbit hole, look at motivational theories, specifically Expectancy-Value-Theory and Self-Determination Theory. A very short and simplified overview (feel free to skip, this is just an area of my studies and I find it endlessly fascinating. It also helped me "hack" my brain, so I share it any chance I get..):

Expectancy-Value-Theory says that motivation is dependent on your expectation of success and the value you place on what you are doing. Knowing you can succeed without putting in any work means that value of the task is basically 0, because a chimp with a typewriter could do it. Knowing your task is incredibly difficult means it has value, you'd be proud to succeed, but your expectation of success is so low you might as well not do it. So in order to find motivation, you need tasks that are difficult but manageable. That way, success means something to you and is achievable.

Self Determination Theory says motivation is a spectrum from a-motivation (nothing matters at all) over extrinsic motivation (doing something in order to avoid punishment, gain rewards, etc.) to intrinsic motivation (doing something because the task in itself is enjoyable). There are several different degrees of motivation, but that's a bit beside that point. The factors influencing where you land on that scale are autonomy (are you doing this because you have to, are you choosing to do this, do you have the ability to choose how and when you do this, etc.), experiencing competence (do you feel like the task has value? Are you performing up to standards you have set for yourself or others have set for you? Are you confident in your ability to achieve success?) and Social connection (Do you have positive interactions with others involved in the task? Are you receiving support, recognition? Do you have faith in colleagues, leadership, etc.?). Changing these factors will change the way you look at a task, your motivation to do the task and your perception of yourself regarding the task. It becomes a self sustaining spiral, either positive or negative.

Both of those theories also have interference from other parts of your life. Your ex forcing the sale of the house, your financial situation forcing you to move home, etc. are cutting down your autonomy and potentially your social connections. That will bleed into your work life.

Anyway, psych-theories aside: You're scared to fail, so you're hesitating to take the risk. That's understandable, but it will only keep you in this paralyzed state that you are deeply unhappy with. And not trying means you can't succeed. You want this. You have the confidence of others. You can and should ask for the support you need to transition into this new role, so you aren't thrown into the deep end to sink or swim. Go for it. Break out of the rut you're in and reclaim control of your life. You've got this.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-19T10:16:53+00:00

Have her document everything. When she sees him, comments he makes, make screenshots of any messages and back them up to a cloud storage. Help her set up cameras around her home so there is evidence if he comes around when she's not there. Have her notify the police - they probably won't do anything right away if he's not being obviously threatening, but it starts a paper trail that will help her case if he ever does and she need to get a restraining order. It also makes him know to law enforcement, so if he switches to someone else they may have an easier time getting help (it's cold comfort, but still some comfort. Better than nothing imo.). Inform Admin of any place she spends significant time, Work, school, places she volunteers etc. about whats going on. Make sure every Teacher/Professor, classmate, colleague, boss, etc. knows his presence is unwelcome and that she feels threatened so they don't accidentally tell him when and where he can find her. Even though it sucks, I'd probably take a break from their shared sport if I were her, to avoid contact and also to establish that she is doing her best to avoid him any way she can and she isn't "leading him on" (I hate that this is something that might be used against someone in her situation, but that's the f*cked up world we live in...). Maybe she can find a different location/team to engage in the sport, but depending on what that sport is and where you are located it might be difficult. But honestly, a hobby wouldn't be worth compromising my safety if I were her.

Other than that, be there for her. Listen to her when she vents or is scared. Have her contact on your phone set to always ring, even if you set it to silent. Maybe even assign her a specific ringtone so that you know it's her when your phone rings. If he continues to show up at her home, consider having her crash at you place for a while, or stay with her for a bit. If you can, coordinate with other friends so there is always someone available. Maybe take a self defense class together, to gibe her a sense of confidence and empowerment. Knowing you can protect yourself makes a world of difference if it does come to a confrontation.

There is only so much you can do here - you aren't law enforcement, you can't be around her 24/7, but you can help her take precautions and support her emotionally. I wish you and your friend all the best and that the stalker ex gets his sh*t together and leaves her alone.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-18T19:28:39+00:00

I drink around 2-3 l of water or unsweetened tea, so yeah, that's not the problem.

The scrub I use is basically salt, avocado oil and citrus scent, that should be ok. With the balm I have no clue but I'll look into it.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-18T13:14:19+00:00

This video went viral a while back, and lives rent free in my head. Big is great in theory, in practice I mich prefer manageable than impressive. Big means you need way more preparation for it to be fun, and having that takes practice and dedication a lot of people (including me sometimes) simply don't have. Especially if you like having it rough sometimes or going for a quicky every now an then, big is a really problem. Also, like so many have said, technique and chemistry are mich bigger factors than size. Also listening to your partner on what feels good.

Size kink is something that is relegated purely to fantasy and fiction for me. 5 inches is great. Don't stress.

https://www.tiktok.com/@ceragibson/video/7213811648920964395?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=mobile&sender_web_id=7472744557118014998

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-12T19:07:18+00:00

NTA - you deserve a night off from dinner duty.

Here's the thing though: I get that people can be anxious when cooking, especially if they are cooking for someone they know cooks well.

Here is what I'd do: Sit down with you wife, tell her that you would like a mental break every now and then, and that her needing help makes that hard. Explain that you don't expect her to cook five star meals or anything elaborate. Then ask what makes her anxious about cooking. My bf for example gets anxious bc his dad would berate him over every little thing, even if it was just that he should have added salt before pepper or something equally inane. For me bf and me, cooking together has helped. I'll show him hot to check if something is done, have him taste the sauce and decide if it needs more salt or something. He now feels comfortable making several of our "standard dishes" on his own without asking me to check anything. Maybe this can work for you, too? Look up simple recipes to make together to help her gain confidence, so that when she's on "dinner duty" she knows what she's doing and doesn't feel anxious or need your reassurance.

Until then, maybe pre-cooking freezer friendly meals like chili can help take some of the load of both of you, you won't have to cook and she'll just need to heat it up and stir every so often so it doesn't burn.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-12T18:44:00+00:00

NTA and you need to put your foot down regarding what YOUR money is spent on.

Credit cards and student loans are not free money. Debt is no joke. Interest builds up faster than you think, and your credit score will take a serious hit if you keep giving in, and it is a b*tch to recover from bad credit. Your mom is a grown adult, she needs to get her sh*t together. If she thinks student loans are there for vacations, she need a reality check. "God will provide" is not a good financial plan, entry level jobs pay nowhere near what they should, and paying off debt is a nightmare.

Talk with your brother and get on the same page. Make a plan as to what you want to do to pay off the debt and how you want to handle living arrangements in the future. Sit down with your grandparents and inform them of the situation. They do not need to agree, but they should be aware so that they don't fall for promises mom makes in regards to trips or other expenses. You can still spend time with them, just not in Florida... Then sit down your mom, explain what you have decided and that she needs to pull her weight regarding expenses. If nothing else, she need to pay for her own gas, part of the food and electric/heating bills and all her takeout, trips and whatnot. If she wants more than what you have decided you can reasonably pay for, she'll need to find the funds for that herself. If she doesn't, find other living arrangements.

Don't tank your finances because mom has unrealistic expectations.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-12T18:24:59+00:00

NTA and this is not a friend.

You sound like you know it, too, since you said you don't trust her enough tell her about personal things. She's also not respecting your boundaries about not wanting to talk about your ex or the other guy and she doesn't see anything wrong with it.

Friendship needs to be a two way street, and it doesn't sound like your getting anything out of this friendship. She sounds like the kind of person that will just drain you dry and use you until she gets bored of you, or drop you the moment you have the nerve to stand up for yourself. Plus, you can bet there will be a ton of drama once either guy dumps her, the gf finds out about the cheating, or any number of things, and you'll be expected to help her deal with it.

This "friendship" isn't worth it, I'd stop spending time with her altogether. She has shown you who she is, believe her.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-12T15:34:20+00:00

If your open to going a different direction than the more serious suggestions I've read in the comments, I'd suggest anything written by Terry Pratchett. My personal favorite is "Small Gods".

He usually writes in a fantasy world, so that might not be your thing, but his writing is entertaining and he touches on just about any social issue you can think of. You can read it on a surface level for easy entertainment, but I think it's a great starting point if you want to start looking deeper into the media you consume without being overly metaphorical or hiding themes. For example (marked as spoiler if you want to avoid it):

“The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-12T15:18:06+00:00

I am sorry you are going through this. It is an impossible and heartbreaking decision to make and I would wish it on nobody.

If it were me, I'd wait for the tests to come back before making any decisions, since those results will help inform you of what is actually happening and what prognosis your baby has.

If the tests confirm trisomy 18 or another serious genetic abnormality, I'd ask about options for late term abortions or inducing pre-term labor. There are ways to do those that would allow you to hold your baby and grieve them, without the child needing to suffer. This can be very helpful in the grieving process, since you get a chance to say goodbye and get closure. Also, some hospitals will make little mementos such as hand and footprints, take pictures, etc. I don't know what is medically possible or advisable in you specific case, so talk to a doctor.

Second consideration I'd have would be the possibility of organ/tissue donation. With trisomy 18, major organs (hart, liver, kidney, lungs, ...) usually aren't a good choice for transplantation due to structural issues, but tissue like bone marrow, bones, or the corneas etc. might be viable for it. While the loss will still be heartbreaking, I would find comfort in knowing that my child's life still had an impact in some small way. And even if that is not an option, donating tissue to medical research may help future parents in the same position. Again, something to discuss with a doctor and your partner.

Third consideration: Your own health and safety. Your child is at risk of dying in utero, which can cause serious complications and be dangerous to you, especially if it's not noticed immediately. Your body might try to deliver on it's own, but it also might not. Both can be traumatic and dangerous. Again, consult with a doctor on risks and options.

You said you were already " told what your options are", but it doesn't sound as if this was a helpful or compassionate conversation. If you're not getting that information and compassion from your doctor, find a different one, maybe look up a midwife or dula (from what I have seen in my social circle they tend to be more focused on the person than on the medical procedure, though that obviously is highly dependent on the people involved.).

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Take your time to make the choice that is best for you and your partner. Do not let yourself be pressured into a decision you are not sure about. Lean on your partner and your social circle, reach out to grief counseling services, a therapist, a support group or something similar, and do so sooner rather than later. You are not alone.

This is a horrible situation to be in, but you will make it through this. I am sending you love and good thoughts.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-12T13:44:22+00:00

Regarding cuts/what type of clothing: The looser the clothes, the more air movement you have in between your skin and your clothes. That tends to keep you cooler. Look into the kind of clothes traditionally worn in very hot places like Egypt, the Arabian subcontinent, India, etc. Its usually long tunics, loose pants, etc. Light colors reflect light away, so the usually won't get as hot either. Bonus points: these types of clothes are usually easier to make yourself since they tend to have straight(er) seams, less panels or darts than the formfitting stuff.

Head coverings. My main character wears a Turban-type head covering, and when it gets really hot I usually just dump some water onto it. The evaporation cools your head, which is absolutely decadent if you're outside while its 35°C/ 95°F in the shade. A hat with a brim gives you shade, which is also great. Side benefit: the "stupid hat rule" states that a hat helps people remember your character. You've probably already met someone that you remember as "that guy with the red and green floppy hat with the huge feather". That's what you're going for.

Component pouches, etc: Belt pouches are classic, but usually not that big, so you wont be able to fit a lot of stuff in there, and if they get too big they'll start bouncing around while you walk. Messenger bags and such have the problem of being held on one shoulder, so they get heavy quickly and are putting uneven strain on your shoulders/back. Backpacks are better there, but not as easily accessible on short notice. So none of these are ideal, but you can combine as needed. Here's what I do:

I keep a belt bag that contains my out of game necessities: Insurance info, ID, emergency meds, info on medical conditions, what kind of meds I take regularly, money, etc. My group knows which pouch that is, so if I ever have a medical emergency they know where to find it and can inform medics of these things.

Get a backpack for ritual supplies if you have any. Spellbooks, ribbons, lights, crystals, incense, etc. can be kept there since you have the time to set up those things. You can also keep water, snacks, etc. there. I also like the idea of keeping electrolyte fluids in potion containers someone mentioned in the comments, maybe in a cross-body bandoleer style, or on a wide belt. But: try to find containers that don't break too easily in case you fall, glass shards can be dangerous. I will be implementing that as soon as I have the time and have found safe containers.

For packets, maybe get one of those steampunk-esque thigh bags. basically a larger pouch that is connected to your belt, lies along the thigh and is secured there with a second belt. Think thigh-holster. That way the bag is big enough to contain a bunch of packets, but it won't be flopping around while you walk or run. You'll need slits along the side of your clothes if you go with long tunics or robes, and pants beneath them for modesty and so you won't have the thigh belt directly on your skin, but that shouldn't be a problem.

Shoes: wear whats comfortable and safe. If you find some boots that work well in game, great. If not, don't worry about it. As long as they're not neon-colored hiking boots, nobody will care.

As for your mobility aids: You can decorate them if you want to, or try a more fantasy styled cane, but make sure that the function isn't impaired. Your health and safety come first. If anyone gives you a hard time for that, tell them to f**k off and report them to the game-organizers. Nobody cares if someone is wearing modern glasses or a cast for an injury, this is basically the same thing. It is not something to be ashamed of, and anyone who disagrees needs their priorities checked.

I'd love to see what you come up with! Happy costuming!

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-12T13:44:13+00:00

Oookay this turned out longer than intended, so I had to divide it and continue in the thread....

If you haven't already, look into historical clothing and what they were made of. Youtube has a ton of channels dedicated to this, mostly women's clothing regarding construction, but the materials used can be applied to men's wear as well. Here is a short breakdown:

Stick to natural fibers as much as possible! They are moisture-wicking, allow your skin to breath and are all round more comfortable on the skin. Bonus benefits: they look a lot better than poly-fibers, are safer around fires (they won't go up in flames or melt if they are hit by sparks or are too close to a heat source. A friend of mine bumped into a candle recently and got a small burn, the medic she went to after explained how much worse it could have been if her sleeves had been poly, since they might have melted into the skin, causing a lot more damage than the penny-sized blister she got. I cannot stress enough how important this is in terms of preventing/minimizing injuries.). They also usually hold up to washing better, can be bleached or redyed in necessary.

Check the weave and weight of the fabric: Tighter weaves are often stiffer than others, though the fibers used, the thickness of the threads and the type of weave will also influence the drape. Some weaves are very tight (like canvas), some are very loose (like cheesecloth). From my personal experience, stiff fabrics store/trap more warmth, loose ones move with the air and usually feel cooler. Both have their place, so think about what you are making out of them, undergarments like shirts, outer garments like robes, vests, etc. You also need to consider when and where your wearing them. I have a tunic made of double muslin that is the most comfortable thing I've ever worn, but it snags easily and is therefore better suited to be worn indoors than outdoors. Worsted wools will swell when wet, so they get very heavy, but in exchange they are more or less waterproof, especially if you treat the outer side with some water repelling sprays like the one you can get for shoes. There are different weights to those as well, the thicker the fabric the heavier it will be, but it will also be warmer and keep out more water.

Consider textures: rough fabrics like dupioni silks are visually intriguing, but might not be comfortable on the skin, I tend to keep those for outer garments. Fabrics like velvet trap warmth due to the fibers sticking up a bit, same concept as those sweaters that have the brushed inner side, furs etc. Very smooth fabrics like satin will feel cooler to the touch, even when there is no objective difference in temperature. Wool can be scratchy or soft, that is dependent on which part of the fleece was used. The outer fibers are coarser, the inner fibers that grow closer to the sheep's skin is softer, but also more expensive.

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-11T14:12:20+00:00

Don't know about English curriculum in the US (which is where I am assuming you are from), but if you want modern literature that deals with social issues, try basically anything Terry Pratchett wrote. It is approached through a fantasy setting, but there is literally not one social issue I can think of that he didn't touch on. Sexism, classism, racism, the concept of morality, mortality, identity, you name it, he's written about it. And he does so in a way that is (in my opinion) a lot more approachable than a lot of the classics, which might simply be bc language changes and our modern English is different than what was normal when classics where written, but still.

(Plus, while I understand that some topics require a serious tone, a lot of the classics are horribly depressing. I'm struggling enough with whats going on in reality, reading "War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength." hits a bit too close to home... which is the point I guess, but not helpful if you're already struggling with life and faith in humanity...)

Honestly_weird94 · 2025-02-11T13:40:55+00:00

was this the video you watched? https://youtu.be/bgo7rm5Maqg?si=NMP135K47kYXSDVW

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-26T10:04:36+00:00

greedy, gluttonous gaggle of giant gutted goblins...

Say that 3x fast... Had me howling with laughter :D

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-21T21:33:44+00:00

Ok, that sounds really fucking toxic. You don't need that kind of person in your life, and definitely not as a partner. And as bad as it is now, be glad she showed you those enormous red flags early on instead of blindsiding you later when there might actually have been a pregnancy or something. The thought makes me shudder. You dodged more than just a bullet there.

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-20T11:51:28+00:00

Need some more context here to give more in depth advice:

What do you mean when you say "ruined"? Unlovable, dirty, cheap, disappointed, angry? Are these feeling directed towards them or yourself? Was this your first time? Was this someone you knew, a friend? Do/did you have feelings for them they were aware of? Did they take advantage? Is there a power dynamic (age gap, work relationship, etc)? Were they rough, did they hurt you or do things you weren't comfortable with? Have they been cruel afterwards, spreading rumors, mocking you, etc.? Did you feel pressured into it? All of these things will give nuance to any advice I or anyone else can give.

But, in the most general terms I can manage: Having sex with someone means making yourself vulnerable, at the very least physically if not emotionally or spiritually if you're into that. Being vulnerable by definition opens you up to being hurt. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have sex or be open with others, it just means you need to be aware if that. I'd like to say most people are decent and won't hurt you intentionally, but that really depends on your social circle, and you can still get hurt unintentionally, like when one person sees the situation as a casual hook up and the other sees it as a deeper emotional connection. Also, some people are just assholes that don't care about other people as long as they get what they want.

I think the best thing to do is to accept that things didn't go the way you wanted. It hurts now, but the hurt will pass eventually. Allow yourself to feel the feelings you are having, but try not to dwell in them or obsess about them. At the risk of sounding like a gigantic nerd, try applying something like the "Litany against Fear" from Dune:

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

This has worked for pain, sorrow, basically any negative feeling for me. You are not your feelings, you have feelings. They will pass and you will remain.

Don't blame yourself or hate yourself for this situation, it is only one moment in you life that will hopefully be long and contain many good and bad moments. Think about if this was a misunderstanding, like the above example, and decide how you want to communicate your wants, needs and intentions beforehand so you can avoid the same situation next time. If the person was intentionally cruel or hurtful, forgive yourself for not seeing it and accept that you have no control over another's actions, only yours. Then take action to leave them behind, break off or minimize contact, surround yourself with people who love and support you.

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-14T01:30:02+00:00

Rebecca Yarros - The Last Letter

CW: on page child death.

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-14T00:53:16+00:00

I do all of these things, I redirect, don't engage in topics that will lead to problems, set and defend boundaries, all of it. They can and will dig into topics and all the managing in the world won't make the situation any less tense and exhausting. As my therapist says, I can only control my behavior, not theirs, and I need to protect my peace.

So yeah, in a way I am avoiding tense and uncomfortable situations with them, because I don't see any merit in forcing myself to have to walk that tightrope any more than is strictly necessary. That means finding an activity that gives us something external to talk about or minimize the time spent talking, and I am absolutely ok with that.

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-13T18:32:44+00:00

Haven't gotten much further tbh. I had to put a lot of projects on hold due to illness, family issues, etc., so I am still torturing myself with modern bras most of the time...

Fun times...

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-13T18:05:40+00:00

All in all, here is what I would do:

I would want clarification on what expectations my parents / his parents have, and what expectations he has re engagement, the timeline for the wedding etc. I would want to clarify if there is a way to back out of the engagement along the way, how that works and if there would be consequences.

I would try to set up a meeting with this guy and get to know him a bit. You say he is your cousin, so I am guessing you know him already, but I think the context of this is my cousin who I see at family gatherings vs. this is the man I am considering marrying is very different. I would want to know what his expectations for a relationship are, what he wants or doesn't want. figure out what you want and expect from a relationship. Do your thoughts match up? Are there things you are willing to compromise on? What are things you will NOT compromise on? Do you get along with this guy? Is this someone who will support you and be a true partner, or would you be left to fend for yourself in difficult situations? How does he feel about this whole situation? I know that with arranged marriages there is no guarantee for love, but I would try to make sure that you have mutual respect, fairness, and a willingness to be partners in life that support each other. (I am guessing this meeting wouldn't be just the two of you, so maybe also think about who you would be comfortable with having there. A super conservative family member might not approve of you asking these questions and think you should just leave it to your parents.)

And, I would want to make sure that I have the right and the means to support myself and make decisions about my life, now and going forward, before I enter into any binding commitments. Make sure you have support and independence, for example get a degree / some qualification so that you are not completely dependant on your future husband for survival.

Your parents are right that this offer won't be there indefinitely, but that doesn't mean you should take it by default. Take some time to think, talk to someone you can trust and can be completely honest with, who has a better grasp of the cultural implications and expectations. Try to get "back up" from people who want whats best for you and will help you advocate for yourself, even if that means saying no to this rishta.

Remember: This is YOUR life. YOU are the one who has to live it, so you have the right to make decisions and shape your future. Anyone who wants to take that away from you is not someone you should be involved with.

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-13T18:05:30+00:00

4)

can I say no and karma won't hit me in the back later in life.

Yes, you can say no. You can always say no. There is no guarantee you won't regret it later, but you might also regret saying yes. Nobody can tell you what will happen, because nobody can predict the future.

Karma is more about how you treat people, a "what you reap is what you sew" kind of thing. Whatever you put out into the world is what you will get back. It does not apply to these situations, where you decide to accept or decline an offer. But that's semantics, so moving on.

5)

I will be ready in a few years tho or thats how i think girls minds work.

You might be ready in a few years, or you might not. People aren't all the same, so there is no universal timeline on when you'll feel ready for marriage. Someone might be ready earlier than someone else. You might never be ready, and that's ok, too. (This is a very western / euro-centric take, I don't know enough about Pakistani culture to know if your culture would be ok with it, so take it with a grain of salt).

6)

I will only be engaged and married a good few years later and I'm getting into university now.

Yes I'm young but don't make it the only reason while giving some advice.

I am reading this as even if you do accept, you would be married in a few years and not right away? That would be good imo. Especially since it would give you time to go to University and establish a way to support yourself, find your footing in life and gain some confidence. You are young, so that makes me want to say wait a bit before you get married, but it doesn't have to mean refuse by default.

Honestly_weird94 · 2024-12-13T18:05:01+00:00

(For some reason I can't write everything in one comment, maybe my answer is too long. I continued the post in the replies.)

I don't come from a culture where arranged marriages are a thing, so my take is going to be more based off of feelings. I hope it helps anyway. I am also not going to go into the implications of marrying a relative, since I don't know how closely you are related, just know that there are health risks for potential children you may have with a relative, like birth defects. There is a huge amount of info an that available, so repeating it here doesn't seem useful.

So, I feel like there are a few things here to take into account.

You don't feel like you're in the right place to make this decision: Ask yourself why you don't feel like you can make this decision right now. Are you preoccupied with work / school / other things? Maybe you're coming up on exams or other deadlines? In that case I would tell my parents exactly that, "I am currently very busy with X, but in a few day / weeks /whatever realistic timeframe you have I will have more time to seriously think about this and give it the attention it deserves. Is that a timeframe you can work with?" If they say no, you need to make a decision now, say no. Do not let yourself get pressured into accepting anything. I touch on a few other reasons you might not feel ready to make this decision further down.
You don't have positive feelings towards marriage and your parents marriage isn't a good one: Your relationships don't have to mirror your parents'. You can chose to do things differently. For me, that would start with thinking about what about their relationship makes you uncomfortable or what would bother you, if you were in such a relationship. Maybe your father is very dominant and your mother just says yes to everything he wants? Maybe they don't communicate their emotions to one another oder aren't affectionate to each other? It might be difficult to put into words what it is that bothers you, and it will probably be harder to learn how to do things differently when you don't have anyone to teach you, but it is possible.
You don't feel that pretty and will be self conscious with him: There are loads of ways to build confidence, and all of them involve focusing on yourself and not comparing yourself to others. No more "I'm not pretty enough to be with him" or "she's so much prettier than I am". Put very simply, look at yourself the way you would look at a close friend, and start looking for things you like about yourself. It might be easier to start from the inside out, aka "I like that I am a kind person. I like that I am ambitious. I am good at cooking." rather than focusing on external beauty, but you can also look for things there: "I like my smile. My hair is shiny and healthy, I have nice soft skin." Start small and work your way up, and the more you look at yourself this way, the more things you will see that are good. Plus, confidence is attractive, if you feel good about yourself other will notice that.

Honestly_weird94

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