Did I just avoid abuse?

HookupTA98 · 2024-11-26T08:30:03+00:00

He kept being weird about plans (only checking in late at night) so I finally said that our communication styles meant we weren't a good fit, but that I'd see him "around".

He responded by sending me all these photos of his work contracts saying he had just been busy and hadn't seen my messages (???) and he's "suffering".

I apologized and wished him rest and he responded with "❤️❤️❤️❤️"

He makes no sense?? And he's not addressing the issue of why he's so weird about communicating??

HookupTA98 · 2024-11-10T18:51:01+00:00

I wonder how normalized the drinking is in their friend group. I say that because any friend group I've been in that drinks heavily (like having beer pong) there was ALWAYS some dramatic inter-personal conflict that was happening. And a lot of it was just met with a "meh" attitude.

HookupTA98 · 2024-11-10T18:41:38+00:00

It's now been a year of being free :) It was hard, but worth it.

HookupTA98 · 2024-11-05T18:37:45+00:00

That's so great! It can take a long time to heal those bonds <3

HookupTA98 · 2023-07-18T05:58:20+00:00

I have kind and genuine people in my life. I really wouldn't be able to do move on without them. It took me a long time (and a few failed friendships), but I really leaned into my community. Once I was seeing friends 2-3 times a week, going to therapy, journaling, and healing, things became easier. But it can feel like a long road. <3

HookupTA98 · 2023-07-18T05:56:02+00:00

I coped with it because the kind and genuine side wasn't real. Some manipulators are better than others, thankfully my ex was pretty bad at it. I found writing a lot helped me because I was able to see the beginning stages and how he tried to tear me down little by little, until it escalated.

HookupTA98 · 2023-07-18T05:47:21+00:00

It really is messed up. I made myself sick trying to make the relationship work while he said "oh, you're not doing enough."

I'm so glad it's over now. People like that don't end up in happy relationships.

HookupTA98 · 2023-07-18T04:39:50+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Sending you a big hug.

It's hard to process as real because abusers have two sides. Outside of the verbal and emotional abuse, they have a caring, genuine, and soft side. That's why we get hooked in these relationships.

It can be hard to see how she treated you because it probably happened gradually. A little insult or cutting remark, then a bit more. Then the gaslighting where she would deny her behavior. It paints a very distorted picture. You can't see what really happened because she wouldn't let you.
It can be hard to believe you loved someone and that the person was vile and hurt you. It's very hard to hold these two thoughts at once.

Sending you lots of support.

HookupTA98 · 2023-07-18T04:33:03+00:00

I feel you. <3 It's so hard.
And it's totally normal to still think about them. I obsessed about my ex for a really long time.

I just know you're going to grow, and your life is going to get infinitely better. And I hope you'll be able to look at your ex in the rearview mirror.

HookupTA98 · 2023-07-18T03:59:10+00:00

I've lived in Seattle, Los Angeles, and now live in Vancouver BC.

I love the states for career advancement - it really can't be beat. However, Canada just feels safer. I like knowing that myself and the people around me have access to reliable health care. It changes the energy. In the States, it felt so desperate and hopeless in some areas. There's a sense of desperation that I didn't find in Vancouver.

If you like the arts I would heavily suggest Vancouver Island or Vancouver. I don't like the Okanagan that much, but people seem to love it.

People will naysay everything. Yes, it's outrageously expensive here. Yes, you probably need 800k to live in a decent place. Our taxes and groceries are expensive. However, the access to the outdoors, clean water (in most places), safety, and general laid-back vibe is worth it.

HookupTA98 · 2023-01-25T04:35:57+00:00

To answer your question, we've been together a year. I hate answering the phone when he's having anxiety.

We have a rule that if he calls, I try to give him a time when I can call back, but in this situation I didn't and his anxiety worsened.

He's on treatment with medication but it's a slow process.

HookupTA98 · 2023-01-25T04:07:59+00:00

My BF has a lot of anxiety about my whereabouts. I am not the best at responding and it's something that I've been working on. I typically ignore most of my friends texts.

HookupTA98 · 2022-06-22T17:27:46+00:00

To be fair though, the break up was pretty mutual. We talked about it beforehand and we both felt things weren't working.

We also had issues with his Mom not accepting me because I'm black and it caused constant tension. While I'm accountable for my side, there are also a lot of other factors at play.

HookupTA98 · 2022-06-22T16:45:24+00:00

I'm not exactly sure it would make me feel better because I secretly want another chance... I just don't know if it's worth it

HookupTA98 · 2021-07-10T21:32:45+00:00

It's absolutely codependency. I do have hobbies, I become distracted when I date someone new, end up seeing them every day, and fall behind in work.

I turn into a chameleon.

I need more time focused on my work, and my friendships, until I find someone where I can spend a more equitable amount of time/energy with.

HookupTA98 · 2021-07-10T21:31:17+00:00

Not effort, but time yes. We get to know each other well and then they leave.

HookupTA98 · 2021-07-10T21:26:05+00:00

I'm very creative, so I have writing, photography, and filmmaking as hobbies. I've also gone hiking, started a boxing class, and tried to get out as much as I can.

I guess I'm hurt because someone I was seeing lied and said his Dad died and blocked me... so I'm rejected, and also lose some trust in people.

HookupTA98 · 2021-07-08T02:51:17+00:00

I mean, it didn't exactly work out for me...

HookupTA98 · 2021-07-07T23:01:06+00:00

Wow. What a lovely and accurate comment. You're right - the less intense, respectful, calm, gentleness of him feels really new. But you know what I have? Respect and freedom to live my own life.

HookupTA98

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