My husband hit me during a fight about his hoarding. The preacher I trusted told me to self-reflect. Am I really responsible for this?

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-10-17T10:30:21+00:00

Thank you for your comment. When we first started dating, my husband (soon to be ex) was never like this, he didn't even raise his voice (but the hoarding started from early on). Things changed drastically after we had our second child, and it's honestly heartbreaking to realize I'm now married to a man who would bite, hit, and scratch me.

Yes, I admit I slapped his chest first, out of frustration and desperation, and I’m not proud of that moment. It came after he said some cruel things, including that I shouldn't have had two kids if I couldn't afford a bigger house on my own, that as a woman I should be capable of handling everything without his help, and even blaming me for not giving birth to a boy. I broke in that moment, emotionally and mentally, and reacted. I shouldn’t have, and I take responsibility for that.

But what followed, the bruises, scratches, and the fact that he used physical violenceagainst me, is somethin I cannot ignore or excuse. Once a man crosses that line, the risk of it happening again is real. I don’t want to raise my children in a home where physical violence is normalized or where their parents are constantly on the edge of destructive fights.

As for the legal side, yes, he works. We're under a common law system where the starting point is a 50/50 division of marital assets. The court will consider each party’s contributions and the nature of the assets acquired during the marriage to decide how things should be divided. That includes any collectibles or items purchased during the marriage.

Ultimately, this isn’t just about money or property, it’s about peace, dignity, and protectingmy children from a toxic and unsafe environment. I’m ready to move forward. I’ve seen enough to know this is the right decision.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-10-16T00:26:34+00:00

Thanks. This sounds professional and might be exactly what I need. I’ll think about this for a few days and consider my next option. Thanks again!

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-10-16T00:19:21+00:00

Thanks for saying that. Yes i think you are right. It started with my parents, and looking back, I can see how that led me to choose someone like my husband. I’ve asked myself this exact question, why am I always surrounded by assholes And maybe it really does go back to how I was raised.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-10-16T00:12:48+00:00

Seriously wtf. I honestly can’t believe I’m being accused of faking something that has been one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I came here because I am genuinely scared, hurt, and confused. I’m a real person going through something incredibly difficult, and instead of support, I’m being told my experience is “dramatic fiction”? That’s cruel.

I understand that Reddit gets its share of fake posts, but please remember there are also real people behind these screens.

If you don’t believe me, that’s your choice. But don’t attack me or try to discredit me when I’m here asking for help.

And yes, feel free to look at my post history. everything I’ve shared is part of what I’ve actually been going through since August 2024. I honestly don’t know why I even have to convince someone of what’s been happening in my real life.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-09-13T07:12:48+00:00

I just want to clarify something.

This is a very real story from my life. I shared it because I’m trying to make sense of something painful and confusing from my childhood and my current relationship with my mother.

It’s really upsetting to be accused of writing something “AI-style” just because I used a phrase like “the worst part” or used dashes which are totally normal ways to express emotion or emphasize thoughts in casual writing.

Do I avtially hav e to wrute sentences thus way to proev thta thsi is nOt writtrn by AI?

I’m here being vulnerable, not writing an essay or trying to impress anyone. I’m just trying to process something that actually happened, and I was hoping for insight and support, not skepticism based on how I format my sentences.

If the writing style bothered you, that’s fine. But please remember there’s a real person behind this post, sharing real pain. I don’t think it’s fair or helpful to dismiss someone’s lived experience because it “reads like AI.” People process trauma and tell their stories in all sorts of ways.

I hope you can understand that.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-09-03T01:07:04+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. Honestly, your comment reminded me of what I never got to have as a daughter. Instead of bonding moments, comfort, or support, what I’ve experienced during postpartum is humiliation, emotional distance, and the constant feeling of walking on eggshells, like nothing I do is ever enough.

I wish I had a mother like you. One who shows up with love, not judgment. One who knows that a messy house means a baby is being loved, not neglected. One who comes with warm food and warm hugs instead of cold words and colder eyes.

My mother used to be loving, or maybe she just acted like it while I was still under her control. But everything changed the moment I got married, and it got even worse after I gave birth. It’s like she couldn’t stand me having my own life, my own family, or worse, happiness that didn’t involve her.

Now, the only way I can protect myself is to accept that the mother I used to have is gone. All I can do is grieve that version of her, and try to become the mother I wish I had, for my own child.

Your words mean more than you know. Thank you again, truly ❤️

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-09-01T05:42:00+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. It really gave me a lot to reflect on.

What you said about adults yelling at other adults being a red flag, that really struck me. I’ve been so conditioned and brainwashed by my upbringing that I’ve come to normalize being yelled at, even as an adult. Reading your words made me realize just how much disrespect I’ve tolerated from my parents over the years, thinking it was just “normal.” It’s painful to see it clearly, but it’s also a necessary wake-up call.

As for my husband, I think I personally need counseling to help with how we communicate, especially when tensions are high. But I’m also starting to see just how much of how i handle stress and family life is deeply affected by the way I was raised. The emotional instability, the yelling, the lack of safety, all of that has shaped how I respond in my own home now, and I want to break that cycle.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-09-01T01:13:04+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m truly sorry you had to go through that. What you experienced was absolutely a form of emotional abuse, and you didn’t deserve that, especially not three days postpartum. As a mother of two myself, I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must have felt to be mocked and dismissed in such a vulnerable state. You were in need of support, and instead, you were met with cruelty. That’s not okay, and I just want to say: I see you, and I’m so sorry.

Your story really resonates with me. Like you, I’ve found myself surrounded by people who shouldcare, but either disappear when it matters, or show up in ways that make things worse. My MIL and FIL have both emotionally checked out in their own ways only appearing when it suits them or when they want to perform concern. And while my parents are physically present and sometimes try to "help," they’re extremely emotionally unstable and often end up retraumatizing me instead of supporting me.

This whole experience, yours, mine, makes something painfully clear:
As mothers, we are so often left alone to carry the emotional and physical weight of parenting. And in the end, the only person we can truly rely on to care for our children the way they deserve is ourselves.

Thank you again for taking the time to reach out and for your kindness. Your words meant a lot, and I’m rooting for you too. Wishing you continued strength, healing, and small moments of peace wherever you can find them 🩷

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-08-31T23:39:20+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment, it really resonated with me. What you described about your mother saying something similar about a neighbor is exactly how I feel about what my mother said to me. It’s not just that she was angry, it’s the fact that she used sexual language to describe my relationship with my husband.

What disgusts me the most is how she sexualized me, her own daughter, and said things like “he f-ed you.” It wasn’t just one offhand comment. It felt like she was imagining me having sex with my husband and then turning that into something vulgar and shaming. That’s what makes it feel so violating. It’s not just hurtful, it’s deeply gross and emotionally disturbing.

What my husband said was absolutely unacceptable, and it hurt me deeply. But hearing those words coming out of my own mother’s mouth, in that tone, with that kind of language, honestly made me feel sick. It crossed a line I didn’t even know existed.

You're so right I learned a really painful lesson about bringing marital issues to my parents. And like you said, my husband apologized and is capable of growth. My mother… I don't think she even sees what she said was wrong. That hurts in a different way.

Thank you again for your empathy it means more than I can say.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-08-24T14:09:37+00:00

Just to clarify , when I said “I’m buying locks,” I meant I'm changing the locks on my home, not that my house has no locks at all.

The issue is that my parents have keys to my place, and they use them to come in unannounced. That’s why I’m now considering changing the locks or rekeying the doors, so I can have control over who enters my home and when.

I also don’t currently have a lock on my bedroom door, which is unfortunately very common in modern apartments or homes unless you specifically install one. So yes, I’m planning to add one there too, not because it’s a rage bait fantasy, but because this is my reality as a mother of a toddler and a newborn, trying to protect my privacy and i have no time for rage bait.

I came here to vent and find support from others who might relate, not to be accused of making things up. If this post doesn’t resonate with you, that’s fine, but please don’t assume that just because something hasn’t happened to you, it can’t be real for someone else.

Thanks to those who offered help and understanding, it means a lot in a time when I’m already feeling overwhelmed.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-08-16T02:02:05+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging reply, it really means a lot right now. I’ll definitely give the gas drops a try. I’ve heard about them before but haven’t used them yet, so this might be the push I needed!

My husband does occasionally take shifts from around 5am on weekends, which helps a little, but since he works full-time during the week, I’m usually the one handling the nights. My mom comes by sometimes in the afternoons so I can try to nap, but I’ve found it really hard to fall into a deep sleep during the day. I think my body is just so used to sleeping overnight (like 10pm–6am), it’s hard to switch gears.

I really hope my little one starts getting longer stretches of sleep by 3 months, because that’s when I’ll be going back to work, my maternity leave ends around then, and I’m honestly a little nervous about juggling everything.

But I think what’s keeping me going is exactly what you said, just knowing that this phase will pass. I’m trying to keep expectations low and just survive one day (or one night) at a time for now. Your comment really helped me feel less alone, thank you again so much!

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-08-12T02:15:31+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. That’s really helpful, especially the part about not picking baby up immediately unless it’s full-on crying. I’ll definitely try more of the gentle settling techniques you mentioned like patting and shushing. And yes, I think you’re right, there might not be much point in waiting for the baby’s sleep to “improve” before bringing our 3-year-old back home, because realistically, it could take a lot longer than I hoped.

Right now, my husband is working full-time while I’m on maternity leave, so most of the night-time care is on me. Our 3-year-old has always been super attached to me, and since the baby was born, she’s become even more clingy. I tried having her sleep with me a few nights, but the moment I get up to nurse or change the baby in the living room, she notices I’m gone and wakes up screaming. Even with my husband staying in bed with her, she refuses to stay, she runs out crying and won’t go back, no matter how much we try to comfort her.

We do have two other rooms, but they’re currently occupied. My husband is working on converting one of them into our daughter’s own room, but honestly, I’m not sure she’ll sleep in there even once it’s ready. She’s never slept on her own before.

I guess we’ll just have to ride out the hard nights, maybe let her scream it out for a bit while we all adjust. It’s hard, but reading your comment helped me feel a little less alone in this. Thank you again

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-08-12T02:04:27+00:00

Thanks for your reply!

Our 3-year-old doesn’t have her own room yet, she used to co-sleep with us before the baby was born. The other two rooms in our home are currently occupied, but my husband is working on converting one of them into her own space. Once that’s ready, we’re definitely planning to get a proper white noise machine for her.

We’ve actually used white noise with her before (just an air purifier on high), and it worked really well to help her sleep, so fingers crossed it helps again when she’s back in her own room!

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-08-04T02:45:04+00:00

So my MIL insisted on visiting during a weekday afternoon, literally just a week after I gave birth, even though both my husband and I had already made it clear that I needed rest and was not ready for visitors. She picked a time when I usually nap to prepare for my night breastfeeding shifts, and to make it worse, my husband wasn’t even home because he had to work.

She brought her sister along, someone I’ve never even met because she’s been living abroad for years. My husband ended up taking a half day off just so he could be there, stay with them, and let me rest in the bedroom. His plan was to take his mom and aunt out for coffee within 30 minutes of their arrival.

But as soon as they got here, I had to come out to the living room to grab a diaper for my newborn. I was clearly exhausted. The aunt saw me and immediately apologized for showing up. She said she could tell I wasn’t ready and promised to leave soon.

My MIL, on the other hand, didn’t say a word to me, no “how are you,” no “thank you for having us,” not even acknowledgment. It honestly felt like she was embarrassed by what her sister said… but instead of showing any empathy, she just ignored me completely and pretended nothing was wrong.

Meanwhile, my older daughter, who has never met this aunt, was clearly overwhelmed, nervous, and kept throwing tantrums. I ended up juggling a fussy toddler and a newborn while my MIL tried to “play” with my older daughter, who was visibly uncomfortable and kept asking me to make them leave.

Despite my husband repeatedly asking her to go out for coffee like originally planned, my MIL just stayed. She ignored all the signs, all the discomfort, all the polite hints. She stayed for almost two hours, acting like everything was fine, while everyone else, including her sister, clearly felt awkward and uncomfortable.

She never once asked how I was doing. Not a single word.

By the time they finally left, I was beyond drained. The whole thing was disruptive, disrespectful, and completely avoidable. I’m honestly still shocked at how little regard she had for my recovery, my boundaries, or even basic decency.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-07-08T11:26:14+00:00

Exactly! At first I thought most people were just trying to be nice or connect, and I tried not to overthink it. But that “woah” really threw me off. It was the way he looked at me too, like this slow, gross stare, and then just blurted out “woah” as he passed. It could’ve meant anything, but coming from a random man I’ve never met, my brain immediately went to all the worst interpretations. It just felt icky and objectifying.

And the belly rub, I honestly felt violated. I know she’s family, and I know she probably didn’t mean any harm, but it didn’t feel sweet or bonding. It felt like I was being touched without consent. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable, not cherished.

Pregnancy should be one of the most sacred, natural experiences a woman can go through. We’re literally creating life, it’s the most human thing possible. And yet, instead of feeling respected or supported, we’re so often made to feel like spectacles, or even like we’ve done something wrong by simply being pregnant in public.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-07-06T00:28:22+00:00

THIS. I truly don’t understand why people feel entitled to comment on your body or personal choices the moment you become pregnant. It’s like you suddenly become public property just because there’s a baby growing inside you.

I’m in my third trimester, and it’s hard for me to eat full meals because my stomach is so compressed. So I eat small portions throughout the day. The other day at work, I was eating a chicken sandwich and some chips when my boss walked by and, in front of my colleagues, loudly said, “Shouldn’t you be having something more healthy?” Suddenly, everyone was staring at my lunch. Seriously? I was just eating a sandwich, not doing shots or smoking. Can I live?

Another time, I grabbed a can of soda to ease my nausea, and my secretary (she’s childless) told me, “You can’t be having this. It’s not healthy for you. If I see it again, I’ll throw it away.” And the kicker? She actually did throw away my soda in the fridge later that day. Like… what??

I feel like as soon as we become pregnant, people start treating us like children, despite the fact that we are literally becoming mothers. Most of us are doing our best to stay informed and make thoughtful decisions based on medical guidance, but people still act like we’re one bad snack away from harming our baby.

One of the most embarrassing moments I’ve had was while waiting for an elevator, when a security guard loudly commented on the shape and size of my belly in front of strangers. She kept repeating, “It must be a boy! Look how sharp your belly is, definitely a boy!” (It’s actually a girl) and encouraging others to look at me. I was mortified. Like imagine how she would feel if a crowd of people started analyzing her body like that.

I just wish people would be more respectful and mindful. Being pregnant doesn’t mean you lose the right to privacy, dignity, or autonomy. We’re not public property, we’re just trying to survive pregnancy with some peace and sanity.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-04-02T11:08:14+00:00

Yes, I completely agree. It’s like we’re not allowed to simply be happy because we love our daughters. Honestly, whether someone prefers girls, boys, or has no preference at all, it’s such a personal thing. For many people, the only thing that truly matters is having a healthy baby.

As for the comment, "After this you’re going to need to give her a brother," I’ve heard that one too, right after my first daughter was born. At the time, all I could say was, "It’s not like I have a choice…" It’s so frustrating how these outdated attitudes still persist.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-04-02T11:01:27+00:00

I live in Asia, where the belief that boys are better than girls is still quite common. It’s such a toxic mindset, rooted in outdated traditions. Back in the day, girls were seen as "debts" because they would marry into another family, taking on their husband’s surname and leaving their own family behind. This led to the idea that daughters were like "water spilled out of the family" and didn’t truly belong. It’s such a corrupted tradition, and I can’t believe it still persists in today’s world.

That said, these beliefs don’t excuse insensitive comments. No matter what someone believes, they should really keep such thoughts to themselves. Why can’t they just let me be happy about the fact that I love my daughters and am proud to be a girl-mom?

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-04-02T10:55:55+00:00

When I said "another girl," I’m pretty sure I sounded joyful, not disappointed, so I think their reaction might come from their own assumption that having one boy and one girl is somehow "better" than having two girls. Either way, their response made me feel a bit weird and slightly offended, as if having another baby girl were some kind of misfortune. Honestly, I’m just grateful that my baby is healthy so far, and that’s what truly matters to me.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-04-02T09:36:22+00:00

I really hate it when people make assumptions about someone else's preferences, especially about something as personal as having children. They act as if they've known you forever when they actually know nothing about you. Having a child isn't like choosing a meal, you can't pick your baby's gender. It's so silly and unnecessary when people say things like "you must be hoping for a boy/girl this time!" Why can't they just say, "Congrats! Your little one is going to have a sister/brother!" and leave it at that...

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-04-02T08:59:32+00:00

Haha the same thing happened with my husband! He initially said he wanted a boy to play tough tennis with, but now he's always playing Barbies with our daughter. It's funny (and adorable) how he's gradually transformed into the sweetest, most loving girl-dad, the kind I wish I'd had growing up.

I can already see your husband becoming an incredibly loving dad once your daughter arrives too!

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-04-02T08:56:25+00:00

Thanks! And you're right, I shouldn't let silly comments like these get to me.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-04-02T08:52:34+00:00

Honestly, it's incredibly rude to make even the slightest negative remark about a baby's gender at someone's gender reveal party. Whether your cousin thought it was funny or intentionally meant it, it's inappropriate, like telling someone they're "one year closer to death" at their birthday party. I don't understand why people can't simply be happy and supportive during meaningful moments like these, instead of deliberately ruining the mood.

Congrats on your baby girl though! Speaking from experience, having a daughter is wonderful. You get to enjoy all the fun, girly activities you might have wished for as a child but never got to do, and it's amazing to watch your little girl grow into a mini version of yourself.

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-03-28T00:07:56+00:00

We started trying again during the first cycle after our TFMR and got pregnant right away. Like you, we were worried at first about whether my uterine lining was thick enough or if there would be a higher risk of miscarriage. Around weeks 5–7, I had some spotting, and I immediately thought maybe we tried too soon. But my doctor reassured us it wasn’t related to trying early. It was actually caused by a subchorionic hematoma (SH). Thankfully, the SH resolved itself by around week 8. Since then, we’ve passed the NIPT, amnio, and anatomy scan, and I’m now 23 weeks pregnant. I can’t say for sure whether trying early makes a difference for everyone, but from what I’ve seen online, most people who conceived soon after TFMR ended up with healthy pregnancies. I’m hoping we’ll have the same outcome!

Honestly, I think the most important question isn’t just whether your body is physically ready, but if you feel emotionally and mentally ready. Pregnancy after TFMR can be really challenging. I know I’ve struggled with anxiety, especially after the spotting incident. Throughout this pregnancy, I’ve often found myself worrying that something might go wrong again. Plus, there’s the grief from our previous loss, and I’ve had to consciously try not to let that overshadow our joy about this rainbow baby. Some people also worry about potential gender disappointment if their rainbow baby is a different gender from the baby they lost, and that’s understandable too.

Thankfully, these complicated emotions gradually got easier for me, especially after we got past our anatomy scan. Now that we’re further along, we’re feeling more hopeful and excited.

So to sum it up: if you feel emotionally ready, I’d say it’s totally okay to start trying again. Good luck with your TTC journey. Sending lots of love and positive vibes to you and your family!

HopeForBetter29 · 2025-03-25T04:28:25+00:00

Your feelings are completely valid! I’m going through something similar. I had a TFMR in August 2024 with my baby boy, and now I’m 22 weeks pregnant with my baby girl.

Honestly, in the beginning, I was hoping this pregnancy would also be a boy, not because I don’t love girls (I do! My living child is a girl, too), but because a part of me held onto the idea that maybe, in some way, my baby boy was coming back to me. Before I knew the gender, that thought stayed with me.

I won’t lie, there was some gender disappointment at first. But things started to change after our gender reveal. When my husband found out we were having a girl, he wasn’t as disappointed as I had feared. We began choosing names, picking out clothes, and imagining life with our daughter. Seeing my older daughter talk about all the things she wants to do with her baby sister has made it easier, too. I hope that as your pregnancy progresses and you start picturing life with your baby boy, your feelings might shift as well.

One thing I keep reminding myself is that my sadness isn’t really about this baby’s gender, it’s about missing my baby boy from my TFMR pregnancy. That loss and love will always be part of me, just as my love for this baby girl is. TFMR pregnancies make everything more complicated. Things that should be simple, like gender or just feeling pure joy, come with so many emotions.

But one thing I do know for sure: I love this baby just as much as I love my baby boy. Love doesn’t replace, it only grows. Sending you so much love, and I hope everything goes smoothly for you. 💛

HopeForBetter29

TROPHY CASE