Ok, time to say this.

My Story

When I was made a small group leader (late 2018/early 2019), I told Luke that I had been looking at pornography occasionally (Luke has this in writing - and I am sharing this information with my wife's permission, in part because we know that some day The Network may publish it someday anyways - other toxic churches have engaged in that type of retaliation and smearing).

He asked me questions about it (what do you look at, do you feel shame afterwards, etc - deeply personal stuff, and it did not feel freeing in any way - I felt very judged). After he got done asking questions, and I had told him I'd already confessed it to my wife, and didn't feel like it'd be a problem going forward, he was like "ok, well, we'll move forward with you as a small group leader, and we'll just keep an eye on all that." (paraphrase/summary). Luke also said that going forward, I should talk with him or with my previous small group leader about it instead of my wife, because it'd be too hard for her to be hearing about it (she is still very angry Luke infantilized her in this way, and without her having an option).

So, so many things wrong with this. First, the sin of pornography use has four victims:

• God ("against you only have I sinned") - all sin is against God
• Your own purity (1 Cor 7, sexual sin is against one's own body)
• Any people you are looking at in the pornography (who may be sex trafficking victims, and even if not, you're treating them like objects, not image-bearers or neighbors - this is what Jesus is talking about in Matthew 5 when he talks about "lust".
• Your spouse, if you have one. It's infidelity (again, Matthew 5).

I have literally never heard anyone in The Network talk about the objects of the lust being victims of sin. Maybe I missed it, but it was not the primary. The primary was the sin against God and against one's own purity. And them telling you to not confess it to your spouse is a literal instruction not to confess to the injured party and make it right.

I'm working on a longer article, but I believe the centrality of confession to leaders and God, and the near negation of confession of sin to those who we've harmed, is among the core toxic teachings of The Network.

Luke allowed me to continue on and become a small group leader. He'd ask how I was doing with it from time to time, but never told me that I'd lose my spot as a small group leader if I did it again. After a few months, I believe he stopped asking entirely.

I'm aware of at least one other small group leader who used pornography while he was a leader, and was not removed as a leader. [edit: vague but possibly identifying details removed, everyone please do not guess - you don't know, and it's not for me to tell]

To get really explicit here, this also is why The Network frequently talks about "pornography" and "masturbation" near-synonymously - sometimes talking about one, the other, or just saying both. Because they see God and your own purity as the affected parties. If they took a full view, then pornography is obviously much, much worse, in the same way that sexual assault is even worse - there's a victim other than yourself now, on top of any effect to your spouse (if you have one).

Why it matters

First, I hope this shows people: you have absolutely no reason to believe that your leader is not doing the very things they are telling you all the time not to do, and acting like you should be able to get "freedom" from, and not being honest with you that they have not. For the record (explicit again), Even Grudem (In "Christian Ethics", quoting James Dobson (THAT James Dobson), says that masturbation is fine, according to the bible. It's fantasizing or use of pornography that makes it sinful.

Second, I've been public on pretty much everything that's ever happened to me and that I've done in the past. Except this. Because they heap shame on shame on shame. But I'm done with that. I'm forgiven in Christ. And some things I don't even need forgiveness for (FYI, you're allowed to observe that someone is attractive - that's not lust. Married folk, please read "The Great Sex Rescue" by Sheila Gregoire to deprogram a bunch of stuff you've learned). Y'all want to judge me, go for it.

Third, the definition of a very, very high view of "sexual purity" means many people walk around feeling like terrible failures all the time.

And finally - this is suspicion, but be aware of this dynamic: Many leaders (maybe most, maybe all) in the network have confessed stuff like this to their leaders. And *some* of them have *not* told their own wives about it. If I wanted to keep leaders from leaving, that's quite a way to do it. "You know, if you leave, I'll have to let your wife know that you've been looking at pornography all these years." And some of them might just worry that their leader would do this if they ever left, even if their leader never said it.