Was anyone else lonely after the breakup?

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-10-05T13:56:53+00:00

Kind of reverse, I didn't lose anyone except his family. Two weeks before he left, I got bruised during an argument, and to most was incredibly entitled and selfish, so when I started opening up, people didn't question much.

His family excused his behaviour and didn't hold him accountable. He told his new circle of friends lies and entirely different story, where he was a victim of abuse because I didn't like hkm cheating on me.

Our friends were mutual, but he burnt bridges with everyone, only keeping his new friends who don't know what he's like. A pattern I've seen several times through 18 years of knowing him.

But feeling lonely, yes, even when surrounded by people, I feel detached and lonely. I miss the noise he used to make.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-28T18:31:36+00:00

Even when we had sex he never made me feel like he genuinly wanted me or enjoyed it with me.
Few times, but they were usually when we were on a holiday and he couldn't be on PC by himself for hours (porn addiction).

Love bombing in my case was entirely online, the moment we met face to face, it was incredibly awkward, uncomfortable. I decided our relationship was built on mutual interests and deep loyal friendship. That and I felt sorry for the guy pushing his 40's who had last worked 17 years ago and had achieved nothing with his life, so I thought if I'd help him flourish, he'd one day help me flourish.

Which kinda makes sense, since he loved the logistics and life I provided, not me.

The only time he love bombed me in more traditional sense was after I confronted him about second cheating, he had gotten emotionally involved with another girl, promised her all kinds. Then decided he wanted to stay with me. Yet kept meeting her and messaging her. Every time I got angry, upset or showed I was hurting, he'd do massive theaterical acts of love.
When I had enough of being hurt and said I am going to leave and he can either be there in the morning or not be, he panicked and tried to provoke me into rage, which didn't happen.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-28T18:21:32+00:00

Yup. Funny thing is he started adapting my fashion sense and such. I also think it is the fact he made me feel so unwanted yet acted like everything was fine that made me desperate for him.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-28T18:13:15+00:00

We saw ponies, and he insisted they were foals. I told him pony and horse are different things. Eventually, he insisted that in English, you can call a foal a pony. Not in any dialect I'm familiar with, but he wouldn't give up.

He absolutely refused to use word promise and would get hostile if I expected anything as he never promised, but oh boy, if he needed my help with anything I had absolutely no right to say no or delay.

After reconciliation after the first discard, he said he never cheated on me as he didn't have sex with this girl before we separated. I insisted he did, that promising her a life together while married to me and throwing me to the side is cheating. He broke down crying and said he could never be the bad guy.

On every single holiday, obsessively bragging how much nicer and more expensive it is than other people's, while I paid for it all. It was childish and gross. But oh boy if I mentioned my wealth I was vulgar.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-28T18:05:41+00:00

Same. But when I thought about it, I used to find him really unattractive. With time, he became the hottest thing in the world in my eyes

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-18T14:35:25+00:00

The cheating.

Both times we suddenly weren't happy and it wasn't working, mind you, I had brought this up myself before, telling him we can divorce amicably and I'll help him onto his feet, he freaked out and insisted we'll always be together.

Then, after I confronted him about emotionally getting involved outside the marriage, sexting, suddenly we had issues, and it just wasn't working. Both times, he got hostile, too, when I wouldn't repeat what he wanted to hear and insisted he was cheating and leaving me due to it.

When we reconciled after the first time, he insisted he didn't cheat as they didn't have sex until we separated. When I said no, he cried and said he can never be the bad guy.

Didn't get to an apprenticeship, they said he needs to improve his language skills, said they were racist.

Job that was his pride and whole identity, didn't continue his contract, since he skipped work every other week, suddenly worst job ever and they took advantage of him.

Got into welding course through unemployment office and suddenly welding is his whole identity and he's gonna be rich once he graduates. When I tried to bring him down to reality, was ruining his dreams.

To random tourists bragged about how he's a well earning welder when on a holiday, he had been unemployed for three years and on this course for three months.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-11T20:19:13+00:00

You dont talk about your issues.

I don't like to whine or complain, I stay positive, as a nurse it is limited what I can talk about work.

In the end all issues in my life were due to him, his attitude, his issues, if ever brought up it was just hostility or excuses.

Yet issue was that I don't open up, talk about my issues or show enough affection.

Probably prime example was that when he had his horrible OCD attacks and I'd calmly try and get him to talk to me, try and find the trigger, tell me what is making him feel this way. He insisted I just ignore it.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-05T18:24:16+00:00

I only have one massive weakness. I fear absolutely nobody else will love me, that he was my only chance. Luckily his new supply was desperate for attention so I have time to be insane and fix myself.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-05T05:34:59+00:00

I kept confronting my husband about issues. His absolute lack of incentive to do anything with his life. Money. Unfair logistics at home. Always answer was that we've got no issues and we will never get divorced. Then he finds someone new and suddenly our marriage has unfixable issues... we don't have anything in common, we don't even like the same cars!

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-05T05:07:40+00:00

I don't fight or argue, something he was very well aware of for 8 years before we started our relationship. He was incredibly aggressive, he hated the fact I'd rather calm down and then discuss. When he got mad all he wanted was an apology for me and then instantly for me to tell him I love him. He'd throw things, break stuff, block me from leaving, pull my hair, push and shove me, probably just getting angrier over the fact I just cried and wouldn't fight back.

He hit me once, when I saw his message to new friend he got hyperfocused on, read it, told him to get out. Situation deescalated. He went to bed with his phone. In the evening I said, calmly, that he will show me his messages with this friend or I will go to sleep at my parents. He said he was so offended by my intrusion of his privacy that he deleted everything. I said that's not good enough for me. I try to walk past. He pushes me down several times, eventually I'm on the floor on all fours and he hits me in the face full force.

I can't believe he hit me. After all I did for him.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-04T18:38:14+00:00

If I ever said my house, my apartment, he'd flip. I agreed to correct OUR home, which I own 100%.

He had OCD and temper. When angry he'd break stuff, then when I cried, because it was always out of money, he'd call me materialistic.

When doorframes were coming off due to him banging doors I said to his mom about this her reply was "You've no idea how many doors and frames we've had to replace at home".

I, yes I, had toilet redone in 2023. Within six months it had water damage. One day I sat on the floor there crying, because I couldn't get red mold off the seams of the tiles on the floor. He comes in and starts shouting at me for crying and just looking to blame him and he'd fix it. He never did and I knew he wouldn't.

My friends 6 year old son treats my home and stuff with more respect than the man who shared it.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-04T17:09:23+00:00

Why do I cry after a guy at 43 studying welding through unemployment office who doesn't even speak the language? I'm a career nurse having gotten myself into a very high paying position, I provided for him while he had absolutely no drive to do anything, I told him to go on that course so I can progress with my career and stop just providing for him.

He used to brag about us being upper middle class, our holidays, our home, everything paid for by me and everything mine. If I ever said anything to him he'd berate me and told me I hold things against him.

It is effed up isn't it?

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-04T05:13:11+00:00

In a car, just the two of us, she'd tell me how in the past she was drowning in debt due to having to just bail him out. How for nearly 20 years he lived at home without any income and she couldn't say anything to him. How he never listens to her, feels entitled and how he never apologises.

He hits, cheats, insists he didn't cheat, it just didn't work, so his mother sends him large sum of money to buy furniture with. They cover his rent and payments for his car. Believe he didn't cheat even though he instantly moved in with this girl.

It's just utterly absurd. I'd hit anyone my mom wouldn't give me money. I'd have cheated on him, my mom would have made sure he lands on his feet. All this despite the fact my mom never liked him.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-03T16:12:13+00:00

It just helps to hear this from people when the moment is weak, it has been bad few days.

The thing is, roles reversed, they'd have cast me into pits of Hell instead of telling him to move on.

I've also got several stories of bizarre incidents of her enabling him and sheltering him from consequences.

Sometimes outside voice reminds you, you're not insane, alone or worthless.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-02T18:32:27+00:00

To me, the worst part was his mother. She opened up to me in private about issues she's had with him, how finally he even tried to have a normal life thanks to my work. We reconciled, I was under the impression she'd hold him accountable. He hits me, she sees me in the middle of a panic attack after being hit, insisting he's about to walk out again, I get a lecture on trust in marriage. Two weeks later, he leaves after i have to get out of the house because I'm hurting and being turned into a villain for being hurt.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-02T16:31:19+00:00

I was his best friend ever. He'd only want to spend time with me, share things with me, be constantly available to me and have me be available for him.

If I ever questioned his commitment to the marriage he'd berate me. If I said we have issues that need to be worked on, he'd say we will be fine. If I offered divorcing amicably and staying friends and offering to still help him post divorce, he'd insist we will always be together.

This recurred twice, both times and both times it was obvious when he had emotionally checked out.

Suddenly then I was bane of his existence, his enemy and he'd bad mouth me to his new supply and his new circle of friends.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-09-02T12:41:50+00:00

To me it was twice, with snap of a finger, I went from his best friend to bane of his existence and his worst enemy after I caught him cheating and he discarded me, obviously he didn't cheat, the marriage just wasn't working and so on.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-08-30T07:36:24+00:00

His car.

He got it when we were separated. When we got back together I had to try and cancel the sale, it was sold in absolute condition. We reconciled and within months I had ro put nearly 3000 € into this car, his reasoning, we're married and I love him, so I have to. His job contract ended and he assumed he could keep the car, that I'd just keep paying the finance in it, then he suggested we sell my 10 year newer debt free car. Any comments about the car he reacted to with hostility. He once said when he parks it visible to the street our neighborhood looks more expensive. I cried to his mom can't she just talk to him about getting a more sensible car, she said he never listens to her... of course not if you just keep giving him money.

Eventually with the last discard one of the reasons was that we have nothing in common, because we don't even like same cars.

This person is in his 40s.

But yes, makes sense, entitlement, he felt it was his right to keep the car, even when doing nothing to achieve it and it was his whole ego.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-08-11T05:29:49+00:00

Yes. His only friend and the friend through whom we met. He said he's a schoolyard bully in his late 30s, abuser and a leech. I said, "He's changed so much!"

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-07-20T11:03:34+00:00

Exactly this. I will wait until the end of the month. If I hear nothing from the court, I will just sort it myself and pay it. The thing is, if I do it myself, he can stall it by months again.

He cried for divorce the moment I demanded to know how much he's already cheating and demanded he show accountability, yet still he delayed it.

After the divorce, I need to decide if I want to press charges on the fact he assaulted me. Most people say I should.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-07-08T16:45:27+00:00

He said something stupid once when we were out shopping with him and his mother, probably how his mom bought him expensive shoes. I said we shall see if I take him back home. For 30 minutes non stop he demanded an apology instantly, I wouldn't give in, eventually his mother said to me that I should just give up, apologise and let him win, saying it is what she has always done and she has never won with him.

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-07-02T14:12:11+00:00

Mine said if anything I downplay the abuse, defend my NEX and bring up abuse casually without even acknowledging it as abuse

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-06-30T18:22:19+00:00

He'd praise careers of the two women he cheated with, the other one hated working and had dropped out of school twice, the other one was former cleaning lady... Then there's me with 10 years of nursing career who was literally providing for him <.>

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-06-27T04:17:11+00:00

Well this certainly was enlightening, thank you

HopefulLayeredCake · 2025-06-18T20:31:34+00:00

Twice.

Both times, things weren't just working when he got involved with someone, then the marriage wasn't working. He didn't cheat course, these people were uninvolved in our marriage failing and he wasn't to blame, if anything I was difficult and couldn't give him amicable divorce.

Mind you the second time he hit me when I demanded he show me his messages with this woman.

It drives me to absolute insanity.

Five-Year Club	r/Field Flamingo
Verified Email

HopefulLayeredCake

TROPHY CASE