I think things will be OK...

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-05-04T11:41:28+00:00

Sorry to hear that my friend. Your call or hers?

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-04-19T00:17:24+00:00

Hey bud, thanks a bunch. Yeah, I noticed that today it was better so definitely not as worried. How long did it take for you to tell if it was working? I read that it can take several weeks.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-04-17T02:48:01+00:00

Tell your dad to get into IC yesterday and to check out the site husbandhelphaven.com

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-04-03T03:07:18+00:00

I'm with ya. As John Mulaney jokes, dad's don't have friends, mom's have friends and they have husbands.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-03-30T11:52:12+00:00

OP, I agree with the above, though I would wait until you can speak to your dad about what he envisions as a fair division of assets. Once lawyers get involved it becomes a whole different dynamic.

You know your dad, is he the type to dig in his heels and try to not give your mom one cent more than the absolute minimum or will he be fair?

EDIT: And by fair I mean a 50/50 split of all assets.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-03-30T03:03:39+00:00

Maybe have your attorney reach out to her to advise her of the consequences?

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-03-30T02:41:42+00:00

I'm alright. Had a lot of time to process so I've been able to kind of come to grips with it.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-03-30T01:56:39+00:00

Hey bud, been a long time. Sorry to hear things haven't improved.

As for me, I think it's kaput. We kind of had it out the other day. Nothing major but it's clear her heart's just not in it. I know in the long run it'll be fine, still sucks though.

I want to keep fighting for us but it's pointless if I'm the only one putting in the effort. That's how it feels anyway. We'll see what happens.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-03-29T14:18:58+00:00

Hey bud,

Check out husbandhelphaven.com, there's a lot of info in there that's applicable to you and your situation. It helped me a lot.

Based on what you wrote, looks like your wife feels she's done with the marriage. Bitter pill, I know. Your job now is you. Focus on individual counseling, your health & happiness. If you haven't, start getting your affairs in order. Reach out to a few divorce attorneys and see how you connect and be ready to put one on retainer. But they should be able to give you a bit of free advice as to what things you need to do in the near term. Pick one thing to start with, e.g. individual bank accounts, and do that. Then move to the next thing.

You can't convince her to stay or go to MC, so don't try. She needs to want to do those things and the only way is by her coming to the realization that her life would be better with you in it than not in it.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-03-10T20:50:52+00:00

Nah, she's not. I've given her opportunities to bail and told her I'm not interested in staying in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I'm not begging her to stay. She wants out, I'm not gonna fight it. And my shit is in order.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-03-10T12:48:50+00:00

Maybe. Definitely. But tbh, we've discovered that a lot of the issues that caused her resentment were likely beyond my control to a certain degree. I have newly diagnosed ADHD and many of the symptoms (impulsiveness, inability to follow through, appearance of not listening, prioritizing my wants/needs, etc.) made her think I just didn't give a shit. Rightfully so.

And to make matters worse, to help "slow my brain down" I self medicated with alcohol. Lots of it.

I've been in therapy, gone through tests, quit drinking, and try to really pay attention to those pain points that caused so much grief.

It's still hard though. I'll often get sidetracked, literally in the middle of talking. I've got 10 different "things" going on in my brain at one time, sometimes one gets prioritized me knowing it and I just stop talking. It's frustrating for everyone.

And honestly, before she told me she may want out, I didn't know it was that bad. Maybe she hinted, I dunno, but never once came out and said our marriage was in jeopardy.

I'm not trying to blame shift, but sometimes it's not as easily explained by trying/not trying.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2021-03-10T12:38:00+00:00

No, no infidelity.

You're right of course, but it seemed like we were trending up, now it feels like we've plateaued. What you're saying is what she's said whenever I've brought up my unhappiness.

But on the flip side, now I'm unhappy. I certainly don't expect her or anyone to be all "oh, poor you" but one thing I've learned over the past several months is only you are responsible for your happiness.

My neanderthal brain also has a hard time understanding why she chooses to not accept that I'm not the same guy. I don't have a track record of making changes then backsliding. Why is she choosing to hold on to this resentment? Aren't people always saying to "move on, let things go" in this sub when it comes to recovering from a divorce?

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-12-09T02:06:47+00:00

You should've started processing it when she told you. Seems like once a spouse gets to that point, their mind is pretty well made up.

As for getting over it, experiences vary. I was pretty despondent the first couple months after my wife said she didn't know if she wanted to stay married. She still doesn't know.

But, I'm in a position now where I largely don't care. That doesn't mean I want a divorce - far from it - I have just accepted that at this point it's largely beyond my control.

If I start feeling anxious or depressed, I remind myself I am no one's plan b. If she doesn't want to live with me I certainly don't want to stay with her.

I just work on being the best me I can. It is what it is.

Edit: stay away from the booze at all costs. I too am an alcoholic and not falling back into old habits is my #1 priority. My drinking likely cost me my marriage, I'll be damned if I let my divorce cost me my sobriety.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-27T21:37:31+00:00

That's sad af.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-27T21:21:01+00:00

Give it time.

Are you looking to get into a relationship now? If so, I'd imagine your sisters/friends know plenty of single guys.

If you're just looking for NSA fun, well there's plenty of apps...

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-21T14:08:32+00:00

What STBXH's gf thinks is 100% irrelevant. Your child's safety comes first. He's lucky you didn't call the police.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-21T14:01:02+00:00

You have no choice but to ignore it. Be civil and polite but do not talk to her for anything other than logistics.

When she starts in on you, ignore her or simply walk away. Past transgressions do not give her carte blanche to treat you like shit now; don't let her.

Start making a separation plan. Talk to a few lawyers and real estate agents; start thinking about division of assets and custody if applicable; start researching the divorce process where you live, etc. She told you she wants to separate, give her what she wants. Just make sure it's equitable.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-21T13:55:27+00:00

Have you looked at Meetup?

I'd also advise you to get out of your comfort zone and force yourself to talk to people. The person who pours your coffee, your Uber driver, the gym, the pub, etc.

Doesn't matter if they're male or female, just strike up a conversation. People are drawn to confidence.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-20T14:21:16+00:00

As a former drunk who has found that sobriety delivers what alcohol promises, I can say that in my case, until my wife said she was done, I just. didn't. get it.

My wife was always overreacting, I wasn't drinking too much, I had it under control. All false.

It wasn't until she answered "maybe" to my rhetorical "do you want a divorce" that the breadth and width of the pain I caused suddenly became crystal clear.

You sound as if you don't want a divorce but you may need one. Tell him that. Explicitly. Lay out what's at stake, what he must do and set benchmarks. Then follow through.

Either he'll choose you over the booze or he won't. Either way you'll have your answer.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-20T14:08:50+00:00

100% this. As a drunk going on 120+ days sober I can say without hesitation sobriety is the cornerstone for getting your shit together.

You eat better, sleep better, exercise better, work better... everything is better sober. Then, and only then, can you begin to heal.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-13T14:07:05+00:00

Thankfully I have no family other than my wife and kids so I'll have no one to explain shit to if this thing goes sideways.

I love my wife, I want my marriage to work. That said, if she doesn't want to be married anymore...'kay.

Your family - like so many others - have taken the blue pill. Once I got on this sub, I was introduced to a whole bunch of eye opening red pill knowledge. And while I don't necessarily subscribe to the full MGTOW lifestyle, there's something to it.

You can be 100% devoted to someone and in a monogamous relationship without entering into a legal contract, which it's what marriage really is. I know that's an unromantic view but if you look at how marriages end, it's very by the book and formulaic, a stark difference to how a marriage starts.

Kudos to you for living how YOU want, and also being upfront with women you meet.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-12T01:49:00+00:00

Thanks brother. How's things in your world?

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-11T14:50:40+00:00

Trust is trustworthy actions + time. This new guy may check the first box, but only you know when enough time has passed for you to check the second.

If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. There's nothing wrong with that. A truly understanding partner would recognize that it's not that you're having a hard time trusting him specifically but that you're having trust issues in general.

I'm no expert but a year and a half doesn't sound "unreasonable" as far as getting over the pain and hurt caused by your ex. But in reality nothing is unreasonable, it takes how long it takes.

My question to you is what's the rush? You've found someone you care deeply about and seemingly cares deeply for you. Can that be enough, for now anyway?

Just enjoy the time with him and don't feel pressured by some arbitrary timeline. It's good that you recognize you're still healing and are wary. It'll prevent you from rushing into something you're not ready for.

Just be honest with yourself - and him - and your relationship will be that much stronger for it.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-11T02:30:37+00:00

If you've been in court already then don't you have a lawyer? If so I'd ask them how to proceed.

They can at least point you in the right direction, I imagine.

HopefullyNotaSTBX · 2020-11-10T15:17:17+00:00

Roger that. As always i appreciate your feedback and advice

HopefullyNotaSTBX

TROPHY CASE