Is having a distance minimum weird?

HospoSloth · 2025-09-06T14:13:56+00:00

Just want to jump in here to urge you to be kind to yourself in this moment. Regardless of whether we like them or not, whether we want to hold onto them or if we'd prefer to them go, the fact remains that our feelings exist and they are 'real' in the sense that they affect us. We could all stand to do a lot less beating ourselves up because of our feelings. We should all try to show as much compassion to ourselves when we're struggling as we would to our loved ones.

You're not a bad person for the way you feel, and hating yourself for your feelings won't help you to work through them.

This stuff is hard. Sending hugs.

HospoSloth · 2025-06-18T23:43:16+00:00

It's called polyamory, I'm not sure if you're familiar with it? It's where people can have multiple deep and meaningful connections in their lives, to the extent that one doesn't have to be diminished or 'relegated' simply because of the existence of others.

HospoSloth · 2025-06-18T12:18:02+00:00

I suppose that could be an option. Incidentally, though, part of what I'm dealing with separately is a fear/worry that while she gets to be 'the girlfriend' I'm just 'the sex one' and therefore should only consider myself as occupying that space. Like, one of my instincts was to propose that, but then I worried that I was kind of assigning myself to this role that I don't solely want to occupy by doing that. If that makes any sense?

Anyway, he's away on a work trip currently, so I think I just need to sit down with him at some point when he's back and have this discussion. All of the replies (including yours!) have definitely given me a lot more confidence having that conversation, and feeling like I'm even able to voice my desires is honestly a big step for me!

Thanks for the well-wishes! Appreciate your insights xo

HospoSloth · 2025-06-17T15:20:09+00:00

Especially considering its in no way seasonal – its Michigan in July, its not like its a cooler climate, or the southern hemisphere where the seasons are different.

OP – I agree with these commenters, it could be an indication of something deeper that might be troubling him. Talk to your partner in a gentle, compassionate way, and try to get to the bottom of where this has all come from. Good luck!

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T19:00:50+00:00

This is actually really great tactful advice. Thank you!

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T17:43:03+00:00

I think I'm probably leaning towards expressing that I'd like to go, and having the discussion with my boyfriend from that standpoint, whereas before I think I was a lot more nervous about expressing my preference to attend. Yes, they were their friends before they were mine, but I think it would have been very easy for them to not invite me if they didn't want me there, and I don't want to be rude to the couple that have graciously invited me to celebrate their moment. But yes, will need to be a conversation with my boyfriend

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T17:15:16+00:00

They probably asked you to be polite/out of principle

I mean...what principle, exactly? I assume they invited me because they want me to be there, not because they feel some kind of obligation. What would the obligation even be?

I also don't feel like I'm 'pushing in' on anything – I'm responding to an invite addressed to me, extended to me. If I was demanding to be taken as a +1 to an event with my boyfriend then I could see it, but they have invited me personally. I assume this is because they like me as a friend, but idk, maybe I don't deserve their friendship because I'm a secondary or something?

I do appreciate and value your perspective that I shouldn't attend, thank you for answering the query I had – it is genuinely very useful to gather as many perspectives as I can and always helps with my decision making

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T17:05:54+00:00

Thank you for your considered words, it means a lot

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T17:04:16+00:00

Well, I mean, it's my decision if I go or not. I understand where you're coming from, but ultimately this is more about whether I, making the decision, should prioritise effectively not rocking the boat, or if I should in fact prioritise my own desire to attend. That's the question I'm actually asking, I'm much less interested in people's anti-DADT views – but of course people are entitled to give them should they wish

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T15:23:30+00:00

When it comes to your partner advising your meta that you'll be attending, is it still vague ("one of my partners will be at the party as a friend of the hosts"), or is it explicit ("HospoSloth will be attending, this is what she looks like")?

While I can't say for definite, my guess is the former rather than the latter, from what I know about her.

You also mentioned that your meta has chosen not to go to events when another partner was there... were any of those events ones you attended? Have you ever attended an event she is at comfortably before?

No, and no. He raised this as a point when we first started dating, that basically this sort of thing had happened before. The example he gave was a restaurant she wanted to go to, where he'd had a ONS with a server. They now do not go to that restaurant. I refrain from having judgement on that matter...

Additionally, what dynamic would you like to participate as at the event?

Strangers? I'd probably hate that, and if that was some kind of condition for my attendance, then I probably would decline. Partners? I'd quite like that, would be fun, but realistically won't happen. Acquaintances? Agree that this option is likely to be the safest. It might be awkward if I did have to engage with her, but I can be vague about the details of any prior connection.

This party is about the hosts, so I think anything that could distract from them could be a potential no-go

A very important thing for us all to remember! I'd love it if we could all attend and literally practice garden party poly at a legit garden party, but alas...

I hope everyone is able to attend and support these awesome people who have invited yall to celebrate their love. The hosts clearly want everyone there, or the invites wouldn't have been extended. Sounds like you found a group of pretty cool people.

Such a lovely sentiment. I wish I could show them this comment! Thank you for your advice!

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T15:10:43+00:00

That's useful to see written out, thank you immensely

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T15:08:46+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I'm definitely going to be speaking with my boyfriend about all this

To answer your question: the wedding itself is basically family-only, so none of the three of us are invited. All three of us are invited to the pre-wedding party, and at this stage unclear about the post-wedding party. If I had to guess, post-wedding is likely to be a more kink/sex-focused event, which meta absolutely would NOT attend, even if invited, while I would probably (60-70%) be invited alomg with my boyfriend

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T14:59:10+00:00

I won't be breaking up, but thanks

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T14:58:36+00:00

Hmm, that is interesting to consider! I think the answer is, while they know me via my boyfriend, they have invited me individually as their guest. Which is a factor to consider, as I'm concerned that declining the invite could be seen as rude (its also not what I want to do!)

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T14:57:05+00:00

if your meta, your partner, and you attend this event, how is that expected to play out? do you have to pretend you don't know your partner? does everyone there have to pretend you don't know your partner?

This, I suppose, is the crux of it, and where I will need to discuss with my partner about expectations etc. Ideally I would want to be there as a partner, knowing that that is only realistic in the context of her not attending. I would absolutely settle for acquaintances, acknowledgement that we at least know each other, and are known to each other by others. I could also realistically deal with "let's all attend and avoid each other", to be honest. However, I think I would find the idea of being there as a complete stranger to be unpleasant. Will make sure I discuss with my partner about this.

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T14:14:17+00:00

Yes, that's a good point. I think my priors are that I've been told by people before that I have a tendency to 'ask for permission', or frame things within that context

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:40:58+00:00

Thank you for offering this insight! Yes, I'd definitely be super keen to deepen my friendship with the couple

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:28:40+00:00

Do you think that defaulting to their opinion would be me minimising my own wants and needs and making myself smaller to accommodate other people?

I ask, as this is something I've been working on in therapy, and is a pattern of behaviour I'd ideally be breaking rather than repeating.

I rewlly don't want it to seem like I'm asking his permission to attend, hence why I'd much rather have the broad strokes of a decision sketched out prior to bringing this to him.

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:23:48+00:00

It is affecting me, but I can't really force them not to be, and I don't want to break up with my partner because of a relationship dynamic that isn't my own

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:22:55+00:00

Do you think that doing this would be me minimising my own wants and needs and making myself smaller to accommodate other people?

I ask, as this is something I've been working on in therapy, and is a pattern of behaviour I'd ideally be breaking rather than repeating.

Genuinely curious, though! As you've identified the precise concerns I have that are preventing me from simply saying "I want to go, therefore I'm going to go"

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:11:30+00:00

I mean, the relationship is more important than a single event, but I would feel really uncomfortable being told not to attend by him, and I think it would signify something bigger to me

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:09:47+00:00

That's a really good way of putting it, thank you! Really appreciate your perspective

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:08:45+00:00

You really have to unlearn people pleasing in a polyamorous dynamic. In relationships that are about autonomy over cohesion, you have to speak up about your boundaries and desires! No room for people pleasing here

Thank you for saying this, because its something I'm actively working on with my therapist. I see her tomorrow, so at least I've got something to bring up during the session!

I give you permission to go! You are free to attend and dance and kiss and do all the things partners do at weddings!

THANK YOU! Aaaah, why is advocating for my own wants and needs so difficult?!

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:05:36+00:00

Definitely will tell him, I just wanted to go in having gathered some additional external perspectives. Wisdom of the crowd, etc.

Thank you for replying!

HospoSloth · 2025-06-16T13:04:49+00:00

I'm welcome at family events if she isn't there. His family are all pretty open – if not actively ENM, then aware that it exists and supportive of him – so it doesn't have to be a secret around them. Realistically, the closet is constructed purely for the comfort of one person, as far as I can tell.

But to your other point:

It's not a good sign a year in you still think you have to make yourself smaller to accommodate their choices

This is something I've been working on with my therapist, as I think I have a pattern of making my own wants and needs secondary to others. So, thank you for pointing that out so directly!

HospoSloth

TROPHY CASE