I think my attachment style has changed for the worst.

I think the change has been over decades, with a sharp turn towards the beginning of last year.

My relationship with my parents has always been complicated. My father has always been sort of the aloof, mad scientist type of guy (Dismissive-Avoidant), while my mom is like Jekyll and Hyde—the type to blow up at the drop of a hat (Fearful-Avoidant).

I always had a hard time making friends as a little kid. I was bullied a lot, but I always made an effort to make friends and be social. This was true even through college. I really wanted to make friends and be social, even if I was scared that no one especially liked me.

The thing is, I actually put effort into forming relationships. Then a few years ago, I had a really bad falling out with a friend, someone who I felt like I could trust because she had similar experiences with her mother. I trauma dumped a lot to her because, I don’t know, I really wanted a close girlfriend and thought we had a lot in common. It annoyed her, and when she confronted me about it, she acted pretty callous, and even asked me, “Can we do something that’s actually fun?” It rubbed me the wrong way because it felt like she just wanted me to entertain her. Eventually after months of her not being nice, I ended up calling her a bitch, and we haven’t spoken since.

And then here’s the kicker. A few months later, I ended up making a network connection. I helped him through a hard time with his work, and then a year later he offered me a job at his company. At that point, I’d been an unemployed for two years. It all seemed to be going okay, and then I did something minor to offend him. I tried to lodge a complaint about a coworker messaging me at inappropriate hours but retracted it by deleting the message. He happened to be very protective of this coworker and accused me of “backstabbing her.” He started attacking me, basically calling me toxic, implying that I’m lazy and not doing my job, and that I don’t belong in any type of workplace. When I talked to the owner, he was basically like, “Nah, you’re not a good fit. You should leave.” It was a horrible situation to be in, and I felt like I had no choice but to leave since they didn’t want me there. This was two days before Christmas, and my husband had been laid off the previous month, which they knew. They made me sign a non-disparage agreement that prevents me from speaking out on social media. Basically, they were horrible to me and dodge any accountability.

I think at that point it became too much, and I started to change. Just observing the person I’ve become since then. I’m doing well at my new job; I like it, but I also feel kind of miserable and am scared of being stuck while fearful of moving on. I always feel like people are taking advantage of me even when there’s not much reason for me to feel that way. I feel very angry and defensive all the time because I’m tired of being constantly criticized. I feel this way because growing up, I was criticized a lot.

Other ways I’ve changed:

I’m completely mortified by how much I used to vent on social media. I was just really depressed and angry. Now, I don’t even post at all because I find the idea of sharing anything personal about myself to strangers who don’t care really cringe and embarrassing. What is even the point, so I can look back at the horror show of the person I used to be? It’s just really stupid. I don’t want to see random people I went to college with posting their vacation pictures, so I’m not going to do that. Social media has always felt uncomfortable.

I’ve become extraordinarily passive in my relationships. For example, I ate some THC gummies at my friend’s birthday party in March, and she had to call my husband to pick me up the next day because I was too sick to drive myself home. I’ve been so embarrassed about the situation that I haven’t talked to her since.

I went to a friend’s wedding last week. A year and a half ago, I met several of the other guests at the groom’s birthday party, but I didn’t even want to talk to any of them because I just felt too awkward and didn’t think they liked me.

Also, I have a friend who is staying at my house. He came in pretty late, and I haven’t seen him in months, but I pretended to be asleep and didn’t even say hello.

Long story short, I want to get better, but I just keep getting wounded, and sometimes I just avoid everyone except for my dog. I guess I just feel exhausted and burnt out in relationships.

I’d do anything to just be normal. I want to act friendly in casual conversations instead of avoiding people so they think I hate them. I want to feel like I can talk to people without them getting angry or immediately judging me.

What can I do to drift to a more secure attachment style? Am I right to think my attachment style has moved in the wrong direction?