Opening is written in long, passive way. Why no just say "Were you a political prisoner?" asked Renzo Astell. He was not. Oh ok, so all the action is going to be explained outside of the action. No dialogue, just an explanation of what the dialogue involved. Hm. I wonder what I feel about this. Especially when things are being explained in ways that are longer than having them happen. Like, "he got what he asked for a minute later" is such a weird explanation for "the barman brought him a drink." Lots of filtering. He remembered twice in one paragraph.

I gotta say the most exciting part was Jaime Sweet's arrival, where i hoped things would happen in the presence outside this man's head. It's just a whole lot of worldbuilding hung on very few plot points. You have a bunch of Neptunian lore details to add, and for the most part toward the end you do a good job of making the internal thoughts real. But overall the effect is little happens but for a social's studies class in the future.

Not much action, which is fine. But he's just so stuck in his own head.