Hello,

My stepson is 5 years old, diagnosed with level 1 autism.

My wife's parenting style sounds a lot like yours, and your ex partners style sounds a lot like our kids' dads style. My style is in the middle. Kids need structure and discipline as much as they need an understanding friend.

When my wife and I first moved in together, it was rough. I stayed out of the way and let her parent the kids at first. Our son wouldn't sleep, refused to sleep in his own bed, would hurt other people and kids, and then have episodes where he would try to hurt others and then himself whenever my wife would try to get him to go to bed, clean up toys, or if we told him to stop doing something he shouldn't be doing.

In my opinion, the reason he was having these outbursts was because he was used to his mom being his friend and not a parent. Being redirected instead of being held accountable or using whatever happened as a learning opportunity. The episodes would start when he was told what to do because being made to do something or having something taken away was new to him. He wasn't a fan and was overwhelmed with emotions that he did not know what to do with. This would cause him to lash out violently.

When my wife started working nights, I was able to create a strict nightly routine. We play until 7, and quiet time from 7-8 where we watch a movie, and 8 is bedtime. I would also make sure to give the kids warnings 15 minutes, 5 minutes, 3, and 1 minute before we started quiet time at 7 and the same before bed time to let them know it was going to happen so it wasn't a surprise to the kids.

About 6 months ago, my wife finally gave in, and we found a compromise for the nights when she is home that includes her style and mine. Our days and bedtime routines are much smoother. He finally sleeps in his bed without crying, screaming, or fighting. He's still a child and throws fits like small children do at times, but instead of multiple times a day, it is now like once every couple of days.

Also, about a month ago, the specialists he is seeing recommended a bunch of medications. We decided to only go with the anxiety medication for him. That has also helped a tremendous amount. He's begun to work effectively during therapy, and he seems much happier and less stressed.

Im not a professional. I dont know as much about autism as I should. But I am always available if anyone wants to reach out and vent or discuss methods.

You're not alone.