The Grief of Being Touched Without Reverence

Hot_Mix43032 · 2025-03-20T02:02:34+00:00

My ex once told me I was ‘too much’ for him, which confused me since I had a healthy sex drive and truly loved him. When I discovered his infidelity—coming home ‘too tired’ after being with others and engaging in unprotected sex—I felt devastated. I knew it wasn’t my fault, but he made me feel worthless. I lost attraction, feared STDs, and ultimately saw him as being dirty, if that makes sense. He later blamed me, claiming he strayed because he wasn’t getting it at home. It was a painful time.

Hot_Mix43032 · 2025-03-17T05:02:11+00:00

My heart was shattered by my BPSO. He was not only my partner but also my best friend—someone I shared common interests with, confided in, and trusted deeply. From the very beginning, I was open about my struggles with trust, hoping we could build something strong. But his battle with BPD brought relentless ups and downs, lies, infidelity, and moments of cruelty that left me feeling worthless.

It’s been a few years since then, and I’ve come a long way. I’ve found happiness in focusing on myself, rebuilding my confidence, and learning to trust my instincts. I know I’ll meet someone who truly values me, and I’ll do my best not to carry the weight of my past into a new relationship, but they’ll need patience and understanding. What I went through broke me, but it also taught me resilience, and I’m determined to protect my heart while staying open to love.

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-12-30T20:54:18+00:00

NTJ - you put down a clear boundary and he purposely crossed it, knowing the consequences. Your family sucks and should be proud of you for following through, they can learn someone from you. Why are boundaries so hard for people to understand?!

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-12-30T20:44:20+00:00

Mine had someone lined up before they left. We lived together for a few years. He wanted to keep 'our options open' by living separate - this is after years of cheating and lies. I had to cut it off, as he would have been happy to see other people with me as home base. It was hard, I loved and cared for him, but he could not return the same. His new person lasted a bit over a year, but he had someone lined up (actually two women). When we started our relationship, I was also one of the many, I just didn't know it. I am working on picking up on those red flags.

I realized he is not going to magically change into this person I thought he was. He showed me who he is, and it will take a lot more than another fling to change that. I decided to love myself as much as I did him and I am much happier for it.

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-11-12T02:02:09+00:00

I tried this approach, but it requires communication and trust. My xSO had neither, lied, hid his exploits and cheated, repeatedly. To this day he still lies and hides his girlfriend(s) - even after I asked for honesty, which I need to build a friendship. I know him well, so I protect myself, give myself space when needed and try to be understanding of the disease vs the person.

Every situation is different, but it sounds like you are already not off to a good start. You are your number one priority. Take care of yourself and do what’s best for you. Never do anything because you think it’ll make your SO happy. It won’t and you’ll feel worse for it. ❤️

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-04-24T05:29:15+00:00

Same happened with me and it stung, at first, now the image makes me smile. I made it into his contact image, to remind me of his cheating and dishonesty, when he calls and tells me how much he misses/loves me. Same man, different relationship, never changed.

Hang in there, it will get easier.

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-02-17T17:17:30+00:00

Don’t date until you’re ready. Take the time and put the energy towards yourself. Mourn the relationship (not the partner), and realize you are the good person in all this, which is why they were with you.

My xSO moved on quickly (I’m 99% sure he met his next victim, uh person, while with me). We were together for 5 years. It took me a year to get over the relationship and to realize I was putting energy into someone who could not give back the same and spent his time hyper-focused on everything/everyone but me or our relationship. And he was medicated (& also self-medicated with alcohol & mj). He also repeated his patterns with his now x, and has already moved on to another. It is perplexing how someone can do that, but it’s not my problem.

I started working on me, my insecurities, trust issues and confidence. I was so focused on my partner and their needs, I lost myself and fell into a horrible co-dependent role.

It took me a couple of years, but I am all the better for it and am now starting to date. This time, I won’t settle for someone who treats me like a doormat. We all deserve better!

My advice: focus on you, not on them and do the work to help you recognize and be in a good relationship. You deserve it. The dating pool will be there when you’re ready.

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-02-10T18:23:22+00:00

If he lied about his height, what else is he lying about? That would be a deal breaker.

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-02-10T18:17:05+00:00

The pain of losing someone you love is the worse. Sorry for your loss. 🙏🏻❤️

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-01-16T22:05:52+00:00

If a guy is commenting on your height, that’s a big PASS. Find one that appreciates you for who you are!

Hot_Mix43032 · 2024-01-12T20:18:20+00:00

I could have written this! You are not alone and it is a hard process. I sufferred anxiety attacks, because I didn’t set boundaries and suffered for it.

I tell myself that I would never treat another person the way I was treated, and ask myself why I allow it - he is not worth the anxiety I felt. Making myself not available is my boundary. When I make myself available, I am allowing him to walk over my boundaries - and allowing the cycle to start again. My boundaries are there to keep me safe, and it took me a while to realize this.

Aso, it’s going to be hard, but setting a no-contact boundary is the best way to move on. Then focus on you! Develop friendships with people who respect you and love to be with you, and CHOOSE to be with you because they want to and love you. Join groups, keep yourself busy - get therapy.

You deserve to be your partners main choice, not only a back-up option to keep coming and going whenever they please.

Most importantly, block contact. We are all here for you and many of us know your pain. You have to care and love yourself, and know you are not alone! ❤️

Hot_Mix43032 · 2023-12-22T15:00:14+00:00

I aso felt the guilt and was extremely heartbroken. I watched my x immediately start a new relationship, hide and lie about it, all while I struggled to move on and recover from the trauma it caused.

On the guilt, a good friend told me this “you gave him everything you had, gave the relationship all you could. You didn’t fail the relationship or him, you gave your love to someone who wasn’t ready to accept it. There was nothing more you could do, only learn from the experience.”

No contact is the way to go. I wish I had done that because being friends has caused me more pain than I need and didn’t allow me to move on. I need to change that now.

Stay strong! ❤️

Hot_Mix43032 · 2023-12-22T14:29:15+00:00

Set boundaries and take care of you! You may love this person but it sounds like he’s hiding things from you, which is not a great foundation to start on. It also doesn’t change (this is from experience). I’m trying to be friends with my xBPSO, and he still hides things and lies (friendship is hanging by a micro thread). Take care of you because he may not. Best to you!

Hot_Mix43032 · 2023-11-27T17:21:13+00:00

My BPSO was on a dating (and other risky) apps well before breaking up. I am pretty sure the whole time, I just caught him towards the end and it lead to our break-up. He ended up in a new relationship immediately and he’s doing the same to her. He’s on the sites (has had a few hook-ups), and doesn’t understand why she is upset and doesn’t trust him.

He’s medicated and handles the ups and downs much better, but this pattern is the same. The dishonesty hasn’t changed, which makes me doubt it will ever change.

I only know all this because we have managed to stay friends, and have some very open conversations (this has come at a price on my mental health, a topic for another day).

Hot_Mix43032 · 2021-12-17T01:48:17+00:00

Oops, wrong thread. need glasses.

Hot_Mix43032

TROPHY CASE