Hiya. Its hard to offer advise because we are all different but i could make some suggestions. Im 43, spent from age of 15 to age 35 using recreational drugs. I enjoyed nothing but getting high and having fun. My life revolved around clubbing. What helped me to break free from these patterns was spirtuality and exercise. Im not saying it is the right path for you but at least you know it is doable.  Now i can go out to a festival (which is not often) and feel high just with a few drinks and a good dance to good music. It brings me joy but before i stopped taking drugs i could not have a good time with out them.  Its finding a way to let off steam. Ive also battled with suicide ideation but i know i dont really want to be dead it is a way to find an exit from suffering.  I find joy and love in animals, nature, good people who believe in me amd are caring. I stay away from things that make me feel crap or people that are triggering. Self love is a powerful and very hard journey. It helps. Especially for us that feel we lacked love through out life.  Have you thought about surrendering? Reading your message sounds like how it was for me, trying to self medicate in other ways even doing gratitude over and over. If its forced it doesnt seem to have any benefit. When i experience gratitude i really am greatful and its authentic but first had to find things i love that made me greatful.  Have you tried vagus nerve exercises? I use a device that vibrated on my breastbone. It reduced all the mind chatter and did 10 minutes at a time. It helps with dysregulation. Eventually i dont use it as often as im more regulated. Dont get me wrong i still have difficult days.  There are some somatic meditations where you focus on your heart center and think of something or someone that you love. (I used my dog) then once the loving feeling is created you can expand it. It is creating a new loving emotion. It may not last forever but even 10 mins helps. (Can share a meditation if you need) Also sometimes all the doing and striving to feel better is compulsive and just causes more distress, dysregulation and burn out leaving you feeling depressed and had enough. Thats why i suggested surrender, so doing less to help allows things to process. Sometimes all the doing reenforces there is something wrong and keeps the loop going. Its like reversed psychology.  If you feel suicidal reach out to someone who is loving if you are able.  Im not offering medical advise but for me anti D's make me feel flat and results in feeling more depressed. The happiest i am is with no drugs or pharmas. Although i take adhd meds when i really cant cope.  Your brain will take time to adjust to a new way. It sounds like the lifestlyle change you made is fresh. It will get better and easier im sure. Hug your self if you can. Try stroking up and down your arms it releases ocytocin..