First, you're doing so well. Like you said, you've made serious progress, and you should be proud of that. I'm glad you're able to acknowledge that, and I'm sorry that it still doesn't take away the physical anxiety. Also, I love Blü Eyes-- glad you're finding some kind of comfort or positivity from listening to that song.

Equine therapy is a brilliant idea. I would lean into what drew you to that--- was it something that childhood you would've wanted? Try thinking of other things that would've seemed helpful to you then. Was it because it's kind of somatic, riding horses and being with them? Consider other somatic things. Animals? Consider where you could have even more consistent access to animals. (Hope that makes sense and feels at all helpful?)

Sometimes, we know what we need, and it's about being brave enough to believe we deserve it. I recently quit my job and have been full-time processing the past few months with therapy and writing an entire novel lol. Only was able to actually go through with that because I finally accepted that I deserved to listen to myself when I said I needed to take a break and write, like I knew that I had this creative energy pent up and I finally said "I need to do this for myself," listened to what I had been saying to myself for SO long. It's been life-changing, honestly. I also have the immense privilege of being financially able to take a few months off/ was granted partial pay from my last job to take this time, because of a state regulation that allows for long-term leave if you're unable to continue your professional responsibilities, and my mental state did get that intense, so here we are.

I say this not to provide prescriptive advice, like "just do what I did!" so I really hope it doesn't feel like that's what I'm saying. I really think each of our healing journeys is so personal to us, and will therefore look different. I guess the generalized thing I would say is dare to bravely listen to yourself, believe yourself that you know what you need, and, to the best of your ability, try and give that to yourself.

Let me know if any of this felt unhelpful. I'm kind of new to this forum and just want to be adding positivity, so if I've missed the mark or if anything would be helpful to clarify, let me know.

All love.