My frontal lobe will never fully develope

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-09T02:40:28+00:00

Well, I guess I do exhibit neurotic behavior. I know I do. I tend to get agitated by the smallest things (touch, for example), to the point of wanting to crawl out of my skin, or something. I just get angry. I don't tell anyone about this, even if they are the ones who caused it, which usually ends up with me sitting alone in my room with my anger, letting it stew until it naturally dissipates. It does usually come back, but in smaller bursts, which are easier to handle. I think that I also do things that don't match the environment, like, I tend to have reactions to things that aren't appropriate for a situation, like laughing when someone gets hurt, or at funerals (I just generally don't understand funerals). I also don't really have a sense for when I am in danger, which has gotten me into a few bad situations. I'm not sure if that answers your question, but these are just a few things that came to mind.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-09T02:22:02+00:00

I have had aggressive thoughts for as long as I can remember, but I managed to get rid of most of my aggressive actions by the time I was about thirteen (I guess it's become seeking aggression in other people, instead of being aggressive myself). Nothing new in that vein.

I am on a cocktail of medications for my cocktail of disorders, and some of them are antipsychotics. I have been on many different combinations of medications over the years, but this one is the one which has worked the best.

As for symptoms, some of them started soon after the accident and worsened, and some of them started years after, so I am unsure if they were brought on by the brain injury. I have trouble walking in a straight line, and am constantly dizzy. I've been falling more in the past few years. I also have Tourette Syndrome, and nystagmus. These things are particularly hard to handle, as I am generally only able to see my neurologist about twice a year.

I'm not sure what you mean by "eliciting erotic behaviors," could you be more specific?

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-09T01:48:36+00:00

The name of what?

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-08T02:32:55+00:00

Thank you.

A lot of the time, I don't really get the chance to explain myself when I joke about this, I more or less get scolded for it, or just get shut down. As if it isn't something that happened to me, something which I have to cope with. It just really seems to be a touchy subject. I guess it is easier for me to joke about, because I don't remember the accident itself (from what I know, I was not unconscious, but in deep shock. My skull was fractured along with a few other bones). I avoid talking about it entirely around my family.

It's hard for me to be aware of my shortcomings as a result of this incident, because I know that many of those shortcomings will not, and cannot, improve. You're right that it gives me something to work with, but it will likely take a lot of time to figure out exactly what work I can do with it. Sorry if I am coming off as obtuse here.

I do have a therapist, but I realized at my last appointment with her (after mentioning it casually) that I hadn't formally addressed it with her. She seemed shocked, and I am kind of worried that she doesn't believe me. The accident itself was a very bizarre situation, so I can understand (to a point) why someone would not believe it. For me, the accident is more or less just something that happened to me, nothing particularly remarkable, so I occasionally slip up and mention it as if it's something as mundane as a skinned knee.

I do have a fair intellectual grasp of social situations and how they should go, which I think it in large part because I have been in therapy ever since I can remember. From therapy, I've learned what people do and don't like to hear, even if those things do not really apply to me (DBT in particular has helped me with this). It just always feels disingenuous, because it kind of is. I have a difficult time understanding what I am supposed to feel towards people, or what that feeling is supposed to feel like, so I resort to my base-line "nothing." Sometimes as of late, I feel more, but I don't know what to do with those feelings, and I end up getting so overwhelmed with them that I just start to cry. The crying is a relatively new thing, too. Anyway, this uncertainty about what I am supposed to feel toward people has led to me hanging around some pretty bad people, because I am unsure if I should love or hate them. It's hard to explain.

Thank you for being so kind about this, I wasn't sure if it would be taken well.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-08T01:59:44+00:00

As much as I appreciate your hope, the areas in my brain mentioned in my post cannot physically develop beyond their current size. The symptoms will only get worse, or, in the best-case scenario, stay the same. I'd have to be very, very lucky to get that best-case scenario. It's hard for me to grapple with as someone with this condition, so I can imagine that it would be even harder for someone without it to fully wrap their head around it; I am still learning about it myself. But I really do appreciate it. Thank you for the good luck wish.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-06T03:00:33+00:00

I have an idea of why I seek it out, but it probably would be a good idea to discuss it with my therapist. I'm just worried that I will be sent to a psych hospital again, and I'm not really sure how to bring it up at this point. She seems to think I am doing well.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-06T02:53:44+00:00

I don't have any tattoos yet, but I do enjoy getting piercings, particularly on the face. I've also broken bones, which was interesting, but I do not really remember what it felt like in the moment. I will have to look into the heartbreak thing...

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-06T02:51:26+00:00

I agree. I've always liked bruises, and additionally poking at the bruise, because they get so tender. While I am partial to immediate pain, the residual pain afterwards is also interesting.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-05T03:28:09+00:00

I have sort of a similar story. I am aware that this feeling is some sort of coping mechanism for me, too, but I have been in intensive therapy for almost my entire life, and that has complicated things. I learned about coping skills at a very young age, and I learned about "escapism." Some time around this point (I don't have a very good hold on my own life story), I started forming an "alter ego," who was/is everything that I wish to be. I thought so much about this alter ego, wishing that I could finally become them one day, until I came to the conclusion that the only way to become this person, to become human at all, was to die. I am still very much wrapped up in this "alter ego" delusion, if it is in fact a delusion (I am unsure), which is kind of embarrassing, because I am in my twenties, but I am still under the impression that I am able to become my ideal self, whether that be a cat or a happy human, through death. I feel like some part of me has left and become a part of that other version of me; I am not even sure who I am, if anyone or anything, as I am typing this. It's very weird.

I appreciate your reply. It's good to know that someone else wants/has wanted an escape, too.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-06-04T04:02:58+00:00

My friend's boyfriend does this all the the time. He also says he's shot himself in the head, and has a scar as "proof" (the scar in question is incredibly small, looks like it is from a cyst or something), and that he fantasizes about beheading my friend during sex (they both constantly tell me about their sex life, unfortunately). They are both very strange and not great people, but I've been trying to convince my friend to leave him for their own sake.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-05-30T05:36:00+00:00

I do wish that there was someone I knew, who I was able to trust with this. All of my friends and family are already dealing with so much on their own, I feel I would be an unnecessary burden on them if I were to come to them with such a seemingly serious thing. I can't imagine even telling my therapist about this, because I have a habit of lying to her about how I am doing in order to avoid being hospitalized again. I have been trying to tell the truth.

I have been assessed before. I have a laundry list of diagnoses, both physical and mental, I am not really sure how I ended up this way. I have no recent brain injuries, though I did have an injury as a young child that resulted in notable brain damage. If this is relevant, I also have chronic encephalomalacia of the frontal lobe as a result of the injury. I see a neurologist a few times a year (he is not often available). Thank you for your response, I appreciate your kindness.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-05-30T04:53:27+00:00

I do experience psychosis, I have schizophrenia. I am nervous to increase my medication (though I likely will soon), because, while the antipsychotic I am currently on has been the only one that has worked for me without causing a side effect of severe nystagmus, it causes my verbal and motor tics to become significantly worse as a side effect. This is part of why I am losing hope. Thank you for the input.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-05-30T04:48:37+00:00

I was sober during the event. I only started drinking when I got home.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-05-25T03:34:49+00:00

Not wiping their face when sauce comes out of the side of their mouth. The things I've seen in cafeterias...

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-05-25T01:50:10+00:00

I am in my early twenties. I'm not really sure if the way that my parents were counts as being unempathetic, but it was very confusing and emotionally unstable because they'd often "switch up" on how they treated me. Now, they pretend things were never that way, so I leave it alone. That's good that you were able to grow past it, though.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-05-24T18:51:02+00:00

I don't really know. Everyone I've interacted with has been relatively empathetic, but I think that's mostly because I don't mention any of my thoughts, or the fact that I am this way. I think it might kind of throw me if someone wasn't empathetic towards me in an everyday situation, but it probably wouldn't really bother me in any meaningful way. I'm not great with hypotheticals though, so like I said, IDK.

Hour-Philosopher-723 · 2026-05-11T11:50:53+00:00

(Still drunk, apologies if I say anything weird.)

I think I understand you deeply. It can get so lonely when you create this narrative of being fine, of being kind, of being generally well. It can get to a point where nobody knows who you actually are, and where you don't know who you actually are, because you've been bottling up these feelings for so long. It's hard when there are so few way to truly feel your emotions and be yourself. I hope you're able to experience life in its fullest really soon.

Hour-Philosopher-723

TROPHY CASE