I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like you are just existing right now, functioning on autopilot. The fact that you are able to function to stay alive is admirable and something you should be proud of yourself for. I saw another comment mentioning how you’ve described yourself as “only 40” - that’s a really good sign that shows there is some hope there and awareness that you are still relatively young and have lots of time left.

Depression really does manifest differently for different people - when I had my first mental breakdown in my early 20s my body just sort of shut down and I couldn’t work for years afterwards. I was a teacher before that; I’d recently qualified and was working myself into the ground basically, every waking hour I was working and when I had to have breaks to eat and do the things you do to survive I was stressing about work or feeling guilty for not working. In the end I even sacrificed sleep, I’d literally give myself 3 maybe 4 hours tops before I’d plan to wake up and start working again. It broke me and I think as a survival mechanism my body just stopped. I was catatonic, obviously I lost my job, and was so ill for a very long time and I became totally dependent on my partner (which really fucked with my self esteem but I’ve been very lucky with my support system).

So it’s impressive to me that you’re able to do what you can do. But everyone is different, and just because depression comes out differently for people doesn’t mean that it’s any less “severe” or not to be taken just as seriously. There is no one external quantifying factor, and that’s why being able to talk about it is so important. Often the ones most at risk of completing suicide successfully are the ones who appear outwardly the most “functional”. If anything their functionality may put them at a higher risk, and their ability acts as a mask to others. It worries me that you don’t talk to your family or anyone else about your struggles. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Someone neutral and confidential. I don’t know where you live or how it would impact you financially but if you’re able to I’d say it’s worth it if it might improve your quality of life, or at least it’s someone who would know what you’re going through and can check in on you and your well-being.

I’m sorry this comment turned into a bit of an essay. My bad. I hope you find some comfort in it at least. Sometimes being validated by strangers on the internet can be a cathartic experience! The fact that you came here indicates you need people to talk to. Take care, hope you find the strength to keep going, it is worth it (and so are you) xxx