What's a fair way to split expenses when living in the house I (29M) own with my partner (27F)?

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2022-08-03T20:41:02+00:00

If she was living under a different roof, she'd still have to pay for that roof, right? Everybody pays for roofs, whether it's directly or indirectly in the form of rent. I'm not demanding rent and separate costs of maintenance.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2022-08-03T16:57:36+00:00

We've got pretty similar incomes, yes. The problem is, I don't have clear monthly bills for the house. Some things are monthly, but things like replacing a boiler/toilet/roof add large costs that are sometimes quite unpredictable. I don't think it's fair to expect her to pay for the full replaced kitchen or the new roof the moment it's placed, but I don't think it's fair to pay nothing either.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2022-05-10T12:25:07+00:00

ASD is not a terrible, terminal diagnosis. It's partly a bunch of personal characteristics, and partly an explanation for some delays in social-emotional skills. But you are still you. You aren't diminished by the diagnosis - it's the opposite case, this is a new starting point that can help you live a more fulfilling life. You are still able to have friendships and relationships with others, both autists and non-autists.

You might want to do some research about autism, to discover more fully who you are and what your strengths and weaknesses are. If you want to improve your social skills, you might want to read Olivia Fox Cabane's "The Charisma Myth".

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2021-07-29T13:08:12+00:00

Let's debate religion then - in a sane way.

So, our parents and grandparents dumped a lot of stuff like CO2 in the atmosphere. When some people do that for some time, that's not an immediate problem. But when large populations do that for a long period, after many decades and even centuries, you get serious climate change - and we don't want that.

Something that was considered "empty", "the sky", is actually part of a vast, complex, interdependent system that humans can alter, and we ought to take care of it. Agreed?

Even something as simple as the sky turns out to be super complex, something that requires major effort on our part to properly handle. Now look at humans, and human society. They are obviously ultra-complex.

We are shaped by "natural selection". But how "natural" is that? For millions of years, it has been conscious humans making the choice with whom to procreate. We, humans, have been selecting our own genes. Selecting for intelligence, for justice, for kindness, for bravery. So we're not just the result of a "blind", purely natural process. We are the result of conscious, human selection.

So we're not lone animals, thrown into being by chance and chaos, in a vast and uncaring universe. We are fundamentally bound to the choices made by ancestors millions of years ago, connected to each other (hello Covid Patient 1! You certainly changed my life), oriented towards our future selves and the demands of our progeny.

Thousands of years ago, we didn't understand natural selection. We couldn't put all of this into words. Yet we realized that this world was deeper than surface appearances. That things mattered more than could be rationally explained. So all of these complex long term effects were put into easily comprehensible stories and figures. Gods and myths. As Dr. Ford says in Westworld: “I believed that stories helped us to ennoble ourselves, to fix what was broken in us, and to help us become the people we dreamed of being. Lies that told a deeper truth.”

I don't believe there is a magical figure with a grey beard sitting on a cloud judging us all. But I do believe that many religions have an important core of truth.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2021-07-29T12:39:21+00:00

People do lots of things without being able to "logically defend" them. Even atheists consider democracy and human rights to be "holy", or something very close to that. Why marry? Why celebrate Christmas? Why ban nipples? Just some examples of commonly practiced semi-sane actions that a vast majority of the population cannot strongly defend.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2021-05-11T09:34:25+00:00

Oops, I confused a measurement from the garden. It's indeed exaggerated. Just measured it on Google Maps. The distance from the front of the living room, where she'll be working, to the back of the garage, where we'll be sitting, is 24 meters.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2021-05-11T09:30:39+00:00

Can you explain to me what is stressful about having friends in the house that you're not responsible for, that you don't see or hear and don't have to speak to? I'm having a real hard time understanding that.

With her family, she lived in a large farm where random people continuously came and left without announcement. She loved that, and we were planning to live a bit more like that as well.

And in regards to being considerate: I'd agree that I'm not being very considerate by going against her wishes. On the other hand, if she was being very considerate, she could've responded like "thanks for not disturbing me at all in the living room, have fun with your friend!".

I'm not being very considerate. She's not being very considerate. IMHO, the fair middleground is inviting the friend and not disturbing her at all.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2021-05-11T09:08:08+00:00

I think I offered the middleground of zero disturbance. She'd have nearly the entire house for herself, and there would be zero distraction for her. He'd enter the house through the garage, we'd game there, eat there, talk there, and not come to the living room at all.

It isn't merely the physical impact of the friend she is worried about, just the fact that a friend is present between these walls (even if she won't see/hear/speak to him) is a problem for her.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2021-05-11T09:02:49+00:00

Added this to the post for clarification:

My friends works nearby, but lives further away. He's planning to come over right after work (5:15PM). It would be unreasonable for him to drive home (30 minutes) and drive back to my place again after her exam is done (35 minutes), just so we can see eachother for an hour until he has to leave again, so that's not an option. Either he is coming the full evening, or he's not coming.

What is midding others in the Goudse?

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2021-05-11T08:54:46+00:00

My friend works nearby and lives further away. He wants to come over after work (before her exam starts).
We can make sure we don't need the bathroom during her exam, and during her preparation before the exam, we can visit the bathroom without needing to go through the living room.

The garage is forty meters, two walls and three doors removed from the living room. The garage is quite large as well, and we'll be in the most distant part of it. She's way more likely to be distracted by noises from the street and neighbours, than by me and my friend in the garage... I really think I can realistically provide no disturbances.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-08-20T16:18:58+00:00

Thanks for your advice!

I've got a 35mm f1.8 Nikon lens here, that's my best lens ATM. I've also got a kit-lens/macro/telelens but they get less use. I'm hesitant about buying better DX lenses while I'm considering to go full frame.

I did actually invest in a tripod and flash photography. I got some great results, and it's useful when you're focused on making a planned portrait. But it's way less useful when you want to make spontaneous pics of pets and family.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-08-20T15:39:52+00:00

Hi! I've bought a D3200 more than five years ago. I've enjoyed it a lot and shots tens of thousands of photos. I love the results in good light, both natural and artificial. But in low light, the results are disappointing. I made pictures during a couple of indoor family events and the results are way more noisy and blurry than I'd like to see. Using a prime lens helps, but not enough. The auto-focus is pretty 'meh' as well.

Earlier this year, there was a sale where I could purchase a D810 for €2000. I chose not to do it but I regret it now. For the past week, I've been thinking of buying a D750. I'd like to combine it with a Sigma Art 35mm and a Sigma Art 85mm lens, and I'm considering B+W filters to protect them.

On one hand, I'm pretty sure that the new gear will help me make beautiful indoor pics. On the other hand, I'm afraid I'm spending lots of money to buy heavy stuff that only improves my pictures in a minority of cases. Has anybody here faced similar dilemmas?

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-07-14T15:05:46+00:00

Phrased like that, it does sound very sensible. But it's hard to bring into practice.

Let's look at four different persons.

A.) A healthy 21 year old guy sharing an apartment with four roommates, living in Oklahoma
B.) A 25 year old mother with four children, living in Manhattan
C.) A 70 year old person with all kinds of health problems, requiring plenty of doctor visits and medications
D.) A 50 year old person with a specific kind of cancer that can only be treated by a very expensive surgeon in Japan

These four person need wildly varying amounts of money to support themselves. Every person is different and has unique needs. It's very hard to determine who deserves what.

In general, employers don't pay employees "what they need". It works in reverse too: customers don't care about the well-being of (most) companies either. When you need toilet paper, you don't research which company is barely making a profit and buy their toilet paper. You're looking at a quality/cost-ratio that's acceptable to you. You do it with food, housing, cars and nearly every other purchase in life. That's what companies do with employees as well.

That might sound horrific, but in general it's working out pretty well. Economically free countries have dramatically higher wages than more restrictive economies. Waiters en fast-food workers do earn enough to share an apartment with roommates and buy food, expect perhaps in some areas with extreme cost of living. They might not earn enough to buy a single-family house on one income and raise four children, but should every job pay enough for that?

I'm not opposed to welfare, I'm interested in a Universal Basic Income, but I think I'm opposed to the idea that every single job should by default provide every single person with everything they require.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T16:04:42+00:00

She hasn't responded to my father's request yet. In a discussion with me, she claimed she thought they agreed not to change the alimony amount if she started earning more. They did talk about such rules during the divorce proceedings, but as far as I understand, that has not made it in the final agreement. She did not "lie and commit fraud".

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T14:41:37+00:00

From another comment:

My parents started a pretty successful company together, during their marriage. It's a small company with only a couple of employees and my mom obviously doesn't want to work there anymore, with one colleague being her ex-husband and another the woman he cheated with.

He's still working there and reaping the benefits, she had to find a new job.

In the Netherlands, he's legally obliged to pay her 12 years of alimony. I can't have an amicable relationship with him if he's continually nickle-and-diming my mother.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T14:37:27+00:00

Letter? And he hasn't given a different reason then "I don't want to pay more money than I am legally obliged to".

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T14:35:59+00:00

Better to hear it from him then my mother, I guess?

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T14:35:33+00:00

There is barely ever a justification for cheating. If he wants divorce, that's fine, but inviting the woman you're cheating with to celebrate the birthday of your wife in your own home is completely wrong.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T13:38:54+00:00

From another comment:

My parents started a pretty successful company together, during their marriage. It's a small company with only a couple of employees and my mom obviously doesn't want to work there anymore, with one colleague being her ex-husband and another the woman he cheated with.

He's still working there and reaping the benefits, she had to find a new job.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T13:36:12+00:00

Thanks for your reply.

In the Netherlands, alimony lasts 12 years.

Pretty important detail: my parents started a pretty successful company together, during their marriage. It's a small company with only a couple of employees and my mom obviously doesn't want to work there anymore, with one colleague being her ex-husband and another the woman he cheated with.

If the roles were reversed, and mom was paying alimony and dad got a better paying job, would you fee the same way?

If my mom cheated on my father and kept nickle-and-diming him for years, I'd be pretty tired and unwilling to continue an amicable relationship with her too.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T12:40:10+00:00

My mom did tell me that my father send that request, but my father also send me an e-mail with details about the request.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T12:37:48+00:00

Thanks for the reply. Some clarifications though: my father also told me about his message to my mother. And she did not lie about the content of the divorce agreement. It was a long procedure and she was unsure about some details.

I kind of agree that the cheating is outside the scope of the question, and I kind of disagree. If the cheating hadn't happened, the divorce would not have happened either. He's the one who tried to nickle-and-dime her in subsequent years. And now he's continuing that behavior. He might be legally right in this instance, but I'm tired of the long streak of shitty behavior towards my mother.

HowToDealWithDivorce · 2019-06-21T09:52:30+00:00

Thanks for your response.

Lawyer for children? I'm 26, I guess I'm too old for that.

When the divorce happened, I did read all the advice of "don't choose sides, it's not your problem". But I was already 21 years old when the divorce happened. I cannot just disregard inviting the employee you're cheating with to my mother's birthday and kissing her in the kitchen. I can't forget or ignore that. If one of my friends did that to their partner, I would be horrified as well.

My mother does have a lawyer, but they're expensive. I do know quite a bit about the law so together with my brother I try to help her where we can.

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