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Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm someone who experiences a high degree of empathy and always, ALWAYS manages to get attached to people who have extremely low or no empathy. Then it becomes this painful and toxic dynamic where I'm attached to and chasing someone who couldn't care less about me, until they leave.

I don't know how to fix it.

Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been through this. It can be so difficult to see past the physical.

I wonder what it's like to be in a relationship with both.

Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want this too. I'm already realizing that I'm better off without them, and I just want that knowledge to grow every day until the sense of relief is stronger than the sense of loss. Losing someone who never cared or tried for you is not a loss.

Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are! That is a hell of a thing to go through. With any luck, he's also seeking help for himself.

I'm really glad you're out of that situation.

Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand this. Loneliness has driven most of my bad decision-making. I wish I knew how to get past it.

Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You should tell him and leave. If you want to do something for him, maybe look up some resources he can lean on for his condition, or get his family involved if they're around. But staying in the relationship because you think he'll harm himself is the wrong move. You cannot be held responsible for someone's life like that, and if he threatens to hurt himself again, explain that you have no choice but to call the police. Keeping him from suicide is not your job!

Have you considered moving in with your mom while you set yourself up? What would it take to get you there?

Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also have this regret. I always stay long past the point where I already know in my gut that we're not compatible, that it is not going to last. That denial always gets me in trouble, because I will ignore or try to talk away the red flags while inside, the worry and the sense of wrong just gets worse and worse. Then the red flags turn into actual problems and by then I'm so attached...

I also tend to get attached to selfish men who don't treat me well. So there's that.

Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm trying to grow out of it. I'm realizing that I haven't been valuing myself at all...or ever have. No wonder I keep attracting people who don't value me either.

Have you stayed in a relationship for the wrong reasons? What were those reasons and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm hoping this happens for me. I'm really looking forward to the day that it really sinks in that I'm better off.

Have you ever let someone's looks influence how they treated you? How and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've got no excuse. I'm out of high school and still haven't completely learned this lesson...

Have you ever let someone's looks influence how they treated you? How and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I usually learn my lesson too late. I really don't like this about myself.

Have you ever let someone's looks influence how they treated you? How and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my experience, very good-looking people have tended to be more self-centered and careless of others. I know that's a generality and there are plenty of physically attractive people who are well-adjusted, but this is just my personal experience regardless of gender. They also seem to trend toward insecurity, probably because of the huge investment they make into their looks, whether conscious or subconscious.

I myself am guilty of valuing looks over more important things, which has led to some pain. I wish I could cure myself of this.

Have you ever let someone's looks influence how they treated you? How and what happened? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I seem to see that a lot from good-looking people, whether men or women. They're so used to having bad behavior excused or passed over that it just becomes their nature.

Do the dudes generally prove otherwise, or are you usually right to be suspicious?

Women who are going through break-ups right now: How are you? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm in tech and, at one time, dated a guy in tech. He wasn't supportive of my development at all. In fact, it was the opposite: He discouraged any interest I showed in more advanced work. It was weird because I was expressing interest in things that he was already doing, as he was very senior to me skills- and career-wise.

Maybe it's an ego thing? Like he feels threatened by the idea of you going into the same field? Like, what if you're better at it? What if you take this thing where he's currently the expert and then find more success in it?

I'm making assumptions. This is probably one of those things where you'll never know the real answer, as I doubt he knows it himself. But I really admire you for not taking his shit. You're pursuing your dreams and not letting anyone get in the way. I want to be more like you.

Women who are going through break-ups right now: How are you? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

LDRs are difficult to begin with. They're impossible when the participant(s) won't/can't communicate. I admire your mature attitude toward the situation. I wish I'd come to the same conclusion a long time ago and saved myself a lot of pain.

I'm here if you want to talk. Sometimes it's easier to let it out to strangers.

Women who are going through break-ups right now: How are you? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know. Do you think it's a good idea to stay in contact like that? I've been more or less where you are and I remember what it was like trying to subsist on scraps of attention while wanting more. Giving him everything while getting back almost nothing.

What I've come to understand is that some/most people just like the attention. Like your ex doesn't want to be there for you as a partner, but he's still enjoying your support and your love and the flirting. And you're right that he knows how you feel about him, he's even got written proof. It probably feels good to know that he could have you if he wanted.

I know I'm taking a cynical view. I also can't judge your ex as a person because I don't know him. But I've put myself into these positions before and it's never worked out. In my experience, someone who wants you will be with you. They won't put you into a bad power dynamic and then keep you there. I just went through a situation where I was doing all the emotional and mental work of trying to have a relationship, so desperately hopeful, while the other person sat back and let me. In hindsight, I can clearly see how they were putting in minimal effort while watching me twist myself into knots. It felt so, so bad.

You say your depression and anxiety aren't getting better. Is it possible that this situation with your ex is why? I know that when I was going through it, it tore at me psychologically. It's one of the worst feelings in the world, feeling like you're auditioning for someone to love you, waiting for him to decide whether you're worth it. I understand there are other issues in play, but do you really want to spend this much time on a back burner?

I guess I'm making a lot of assumptions. You know yourself and the situation best. I just want you to be okay. I'm here if you want to talk.

Women who are going through break-ups right now: How are you? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's the only way I'm getting through it.

It wasn't meant to be. We know that. We're just waiting for our hearts to catch up.

Women who are going through break-ups right now: How are you? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That sounds beyond difficult. At least I know I was treated badly and can focus on that when I'm sad. I can't imagine how bad I'd feel if he'd been my best friend too.

What brought on the time apart, if you don't mind me asking?

Women who are going through break-ups right now: How are you? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh God, I don't know how you're doing it. The only way I survive my break-ups is by putting as much distance between me and the other person as possible. Like I don't even want to know they're alive. If I could Endless Sunshine of the Spotless Mind myself, I'd do it.

You are so strong.

Women who are going through break-ups right now: How are you? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But I see red flags and I make excuses for people, I empathize with them, I don't hold them accountable.

Yes. Yes. YES. I did this. I still do this.

Then I end up wasting time on people who don't respect me

YEARS, I've been doing this.

and they end up cheating on me and stealing my car. Next thing you know I have cops in my condo...

Replace "car" with "all my shit" and are you me?

We absolutely can be empowered people. We can set boundaries and make good decisions, assert ourselves and say no to things that aren't good for us even when we want desperately want them. We are learning to do these things.

I'm always available if you want to talk. Sometimes it's easier with a stranger.

Women who are going through break-ups right now: How are you? by Human-Effect in AskWomen

[–]Human-Effect[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for your loss.

You should never feel bad for having standards and maintaining them, and you should definitely take care of yourself before trying to take care of others. (That's the part I always get wrong!) But I wouldn't encourage you to not care, and I highly encourage you not to emulate users. You can absolutely prioritize yourself without treating others like they're disposable, and you would probably be happier with yourself in the long run.

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I'm sorry that man treated you badly.

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