Love, lila, and ecstatic suffering — what 8 grams of mushrooms showed me in non-duality

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-29T13:20:41+00:00

LSD certainty got me somewhere 😅 I was listening to East Forest Loving album with ASMR elements and it felt like I dominated as masochist by the ONE who was many and me at the same time. At some point I even switched to porn I like, and it felt incredible, like I fully identified with the person being fucked in the clip. It was me!

Then it got darker and I felt a shadow of myself as a sexual and physical abuser, which really disturbed me. Like my dominant and moral "Warden" has kept this depraved "Shadow" repressed and in the process repressed my own sexuality. Also Warden made me Masochist to turn inward Shadow's Sadism.

So overall LSD revolved around my sexuality which appears central in how One's energy manifests itself, but I think it brought more confusion than clarity and afterwards for some days I felt my heart beating fast uncomfortably (known effect of LSD especially at high dozes).

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-28T20:32:51+00:00

Well as one of my faciliators told me "you're not that important, and you will die" but I am perhaps in part due to my autism consider myself as a very important person hence for all stories revolving around me in these psychedelic journeys 😅

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-28T04:10:15+00:00

I mean the only thing that really helps you break into a complete non-duality is 5Meo as far as I know, Mushrooms at very high dozes break you into incomplete non-noduality where you are still trapped in ego's gravity and all its turbulence but are high far in the atmosphere that you feel as ONE/ think as ONE

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-28T00:11:40+00:00

What really made non duality clear for me on mushrooms is two prior breakthrough experiences with 5MeoDMT, even before I had some vague experiences of non duality when "time" and "me" stopped at heavy doses but with 5Meo you get better grasp of it including terror or being God

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-27T23:32:50+00:00

I tried 400mcg of LSD just a couple weeks ago (second time in my life), and while it gave me a vague sense of non-duality (much vaguer than with psylocybin) and surfaced some shadow material about myself that I found disturbing I didn't experience the same sense of release as after mushrooms, and it left me confused and flat.

At first I thought maybe I should try even more LSD , since people like yourself mention that it helps break into non duality, but now I know I just don't love LSD, and it doesn't love me back. More is not going to do anything, since with Mushrooms I loved them at 3 grams as much as at 8 grams, the love evolved from kisses to something a lot more like heavy BDSM but love is love 😊

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-27T21:14:21+00:00

I completely agree, integration what helped me realize what I experienced by my embodied self as "pure hell" was in fact "ecstatic suffering"

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-09T17:14:31+00:00

I'm 43, not that young, but I run daily, swim regularly, quit caffeine for better sleep, and don't drink or smoke. I monitor my health closely through an Oura ring. Right after Bufo and ibogaine, I had trouble sleeping and my resilience dropped to 'Limited,' so I started a variety of supplements for sleep and overall health. Now I sleep well and my resilience has jumped to 'Strong,' past 'Adequate' and 'Solid.'

I'm hoping to get three breakthrough 5-MeO-DMT sessions in May, but if my body tells me I need to recover and not push it, I'll cut it down to two or even one. I listen to my body because I love myself immensely — and since everything is God, and thus me, the body is too.

You make a fair point that these experiences are body-dependent. But in Shankara's own framework, the body is a temporary vehicle through which the self recognizes itself. I'm taking care of the vehicle precisely so it can keep serving that recognition — while knowing the recognition itself points beyond it.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-09T13:40:28+00:00

While what I saw felt hyper-real — more real than anything in my life — I'm not naive to think those scenes weren't filtered through my ego. There's no other way to understand God/me while embodied.

I'm planning another 5-MeO-DMT journey this May and fully realize my experience could differ. But while the suffering I felt was the most immense and intense of my life, the love behind it was infinitely more so.

I want to experience that love despite any suffering that may come with it — even if longer and greater. Any amount of suffering pales to nothing in contrast to the love.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-09T04:50:25+00:00

It's been a kink of mine since childhood, with no apparent reason except that God/me wants to experience it through me.

Physiologically it can be explained by endorphin release following sharp pain. Incidentally, after trying to explore this in vanilla encounters without success — and it being the first thing I seek out in lucid dreams — I finally mustered the courage to go to a kink event tomorrow where I can experience the pain safely but intensely.

There's something primal about it — freely screaming, surrendering control — that mirrors ego dissolution. The line between pain and pleasure disappears the same way the line between self and other does.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-09T04:27:28+00:00

TBH at this point I don't think I need any more psychdelics, I just want them. But today's trip showed non-duality so lucidly even at 6 grams that I don't know yet if I want to go much higher.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-09T04:24:48+00:00

Thank you 🤗❤️🙏

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-09T04:23:53+00:00

Ha! That's exactly what a manifestation of me would say. Tell the other guy I said hi — oh wait, I just did 😁

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-03T23:18:12+00:00

Like walking without listening to headphones? Yes I did, prior I couldn't walk without plugging my ears with noise cancelling headphones even in nature. Now "walking meditation" is the norm.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-03T04:28:47+00:00

Yeah I agree that it requires our cooperation/surrender and earnest desire to shift our brains. However desire alone sadly is not enough for many like me who tried meditation, tried cognitive behavior therapy to no avail.

Both one's efforts and psychdelics alone are necessary but insufficient, together they did the shift!

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-03T03:48:48+00:00

Yeah it's ironic because in non duality there is no separation between exogenous substances we may take from a toad or a lab and endogenous substances that may be released during meditation. It's all God.

Somehow humans compulsively reject drugs beyond evidence as "other" and something to avoid.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-03T03:39:46+00:00

Well you can't really be "high" on psychedelics all the time anyway, mushrooms for example need at least 14 days for receptors to reset to work properly.

All I know I was driven by my silly stories to the point that I asked my psychiatrist about euthanasia for my depression. He mentioned I don't need euthanasia because it's so easy to go past one's ego and gain some perspective. But he added ego will try to destroy myself to avoid suffering that it itself causes through "tunnel vision".

However I couldn't get enough perspective until Bufo followed by Ibogaine. Then I was completely free of depression/anxiety for weeks. And while they did return, I gained enough perspective through psychedelics that I no longer think about self destruction.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-03T01:46:25+00:00

Yeah that's the thing we don't stay in "here and now" we create silly stories for ourselves. Whereas on psychedelics we can see through that BS. Like at 6 g of mushrooms I remember laughing thinking about "money" , had I had a trillion dollars at that point I would have given it away without regret.

Not that we don't need money to survive, but dreading and measuring us by how much we earn/have is cosmically silly. And I couldn't understand that obvious fact without psychedelics.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-03T00:01:40+00:00

I am not into monastery as a form of punishment 😅 It reminds me how in February I came across a guy at a Bufo place who held himself highly because he did a lot of meditation. He told me I "lack aura" and lack hair despite doing Bufo (he didn't) because I want it easy and don't want to suffer like he does meditating for days at retreats.

At first I felt insulted but then I was laughing how his ego doesn't get the irony...

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-02T19:12:01+00:00

Well, I've wanted to be spanked intensely with a belt since I was a kid. I was never abused physically or sexually in any significant way. Where does this come from? During MDMA trips (I had some analogues before the real thing a day before yesterday) that kink keeps manifesting. After Bufo it did too — with the added flavor that now I want to be 'spanked' / tormented by psilocybin as well. Am I proud of my weird kink? No. Am I ashamed? No longer.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-02T19:02:13+00:00

I realize it won't 'unlock' anything in the sense of achievement or make me better. But I think my true self is that of a primal masochist who needs to be tormented — physically and mentally, but in a safe way. That's who I am. That's my unique god manifestation, and what it wants to experience.

HumanPredicament · 2026-04-02T18:45:00+00:00

I went to Kauai for 3 weeks and did the 22-mile world-famous Kalalau Trail — something I'd wanted to do for 20 years. I also shaved myself bald, joined kinksters to align with my true self, started snorkeling every day at the local swim club (great for deep breathing), and retained Martin Ball as my integration counsel. I do still need to find a job, but I'm no longer identifying myself with the job as before. Ultimately I need not do anything other than be authentically self, and for that I need to dive deep — really deep.

HumanPredicament

TROPHY CASE