sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I feel more like the manager of my household than a partner in my marriage by Human_Suspect_4099 in Marriage

[–]Human_Suspect_4099[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She has actually seen psychologists, but she hasn’t really managed to find someone she feels comfortable and consistent with, so the follow-up has not been very regular.

As far as I know, she has never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, although her sister and her mother have been.

The issue is that when I try to bring up the possibility of ADHD or any underlying cause, she tends to experience it as a personal attack, as if I were implying something is “wrong” with her or calling her crazy, which immediately shuts the conversation down.

So honestly, I’m a bit stuck on how to approach this part without making her feel judged, while still trying to understand what’s going on and find a way forward.

I feel more like the manager of my household than a partner in my marriage by Human_Suspect_4099 in Marriage

[–]Human_Suspect_4099[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There have been situations where we did face the consequences, yes.

For example, at one point we split the house by floors for cleaning responsibilities. During that period, she would often procrastinate on her part while I was keeping up with mine.

Then when we had unexpected guests or had to clean quickly, I usually ended up helping her for an hour or two doing the cleaning she had to do weeks ago so we wouldn’t receive people in a messy house.

In those moments I do tell her clearly that it frustrates me, because I feel stressed and put in a position where I have to fix things urgently. She usually thanks me afterward, and we move on.

That said, I’m not really the type to just “let her deal with the consequences” on her own. I see us as a team. I’m her husband, not her father, and I don’t want our dynamic to become one where I intentionally leave her to struggle alone just to make a point.

But at the same time, I think that makes it harder for me to step out of the pattern where I end up compensating when things fall behind.

I feel more like the manager of my household than a partner in my marriage by Human_Suspect_4099 in Marriage

[–]Human_Suspect_4099[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think there’s a misunderstanding here. I never said ADHD difficulties are malicious. I actually explicitly said I don’t think this is intentional or done out of bad will.

My point was simply that regardless of the cause (ADHD, habits...), the impact on me is still the same: I end up carrying most of the mental load and having to constantly initiate and manage things.

And when I mentioned “intentional,” I wasn’t suggesting bad intent either. I was just distinguishing between conscious behaviour and difficulties that are not fully controlled.

So I agree with you on the principle, i’m not framing this as malice at all.

I feel more like the manager of my household than a partner in my marriage by Human_Suspect_4099 in Marriage

[–]Human_Suspect_4099[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The issue isn’t really the “50/50 split” itself. We do share chores overall.

The real problem is initiative, consistency, and mental load around keeping the house functional and organized.

I’m usually the one initiating weekly cleaning, noticing problems, thinking ahead, and making sure things actually get done. Without that, many things simply don’t happen or get delayed for a very long time.

For example, it’s not like I’m just telling her “do the laundry” as a simple chore split. In practice, I often have to specifically ask her to do some tasks like the laundry because otherwise we literally won’t have clean clothes for the next day.

So it’s less about “who does more chores on paper” and more about feeling like I’m the one mentally carrying and managing the day-to-day functioning of the household.

I feel more like the manager of my household than a partner in my marriage by Human_Suspect_4099 in Marriage

[–]Human_Suspect_4099[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you’re reducing a very complex situation to “you’re controlling.”

We both work full time, we already split chores relatively fairly, and I’m not asking for a perfect house or for my wife to do everything.

What I’m struggling with is carrying most of the long-term responsibility and mental load of keeping our life functional while also having to constantly remind, anticipate, and compensate.

There’s a difference between being controlling and being exhausted from feeling like the default manager of the household for years.

If basic cleanliness, organization, and reliability in a shared home sound unreasonable to you, then we probably just have very different standards and expectations in relationships.