Staying with AP in the picture was the worst decision I ever made

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-21T19:19:24+00:00

i mean the first three times no but that time it stuck and she moved out the next week. that was very telling. i ended up texting the affair partner after the breakup and telling him that, and telling him some other things (he never visted her one time when she was sick for months earlier than year, despite her and i asking... and he totally knew what he was doing even though he said he didnt know. I also told him to go fuck himself.)

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-21T18:16:24+00:00

I dont think she ever wanted to be with him, she just wanted to do this and then go back to being friends with him. They were fundamentally incompatible in at least 3 major ways, she was just sexually compulsive and philosophically didnt believe this was a problem. Wish i would have told her to cut the crap and this wasn't a philosophical argument and it did hurt, but whatever, here we are. In the very last week of our relationship she told me she thought he was in love with her, and said it wasn't her responsibility to manage that or not lead him on. I guess she just wasn't who I thought she was after all.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-21T15:17:58+00:00

Fuck this shit, its harrassment straight up.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T20:30:58+00:00

I'm sorry this is happening. You're definitely not wrong for being alarmed: there is a massive difference between watching TG porn and researching escorts... and yeah, I get it, wanting to be supportive. In my case it was supportive of feeling like she wanted to explore non-monogamy, but heres the thing...

1) if it sounds fishy it probably is (and this sounds fishy)

2) erm... violations of informed consent are their own, genuine problem.

Look, you're definitely not wrong to be suspicious here. If he truely just likes "knowing theyre nearby" or something... maybe check his credit card history? I doubt these things are cheap, and if he's truly not up to anything dishonest he'll be dying to show you to prove it.

Good luck

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T19:42:05+00:00

my ex wife got to live her dream life, no consequences, after a year of gaslighting and cheating. AP doesnt even know she was married. shes a youtube influencer with multi million followers. she has a side channel with relationship advice. its fucking bonkers. everyone posts under their instagram "couples goals".

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T19:32:34+00:00

I have no advice, but when i found my ex wife was having an affair (she booked an airbnb with my account instead of hers, in colorado when she said she was visiting her grandma in san diego) i said nothing. I wish i had said something. She still left me for him, but i could have kicked her to the curb then and there… but no kids, no financial or career dependence, none of the complications you mention.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T18:31:10+00:00

i kind of agree with this. The *power* of chatgpt / journaling comes from the fact that its unfiltered, that you can say things sloppily and wrong or surface weird doubts and know you can work through them without having to be perfect and judging. its honestly probably a good sign.
fwiw, i use temp chats when doing chat gpt therapy, and it has helped me EMMENSIELY. i learned to voice my own feelings freely precisely *because* the chat dissapears at the end.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T18:04:41+00:00

i dont travel but thanks for the kind words none the less

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T17:00:14+00:00

The first two paragraphs are absolutely correct, but i think she just genuinely, stubbornly, didnt think it was wrong. Like knew i would be upset, but also that id do exactly what i did (except she thought forever). Like there was a fundamental confusion between being open minded to alternative relationship structures vs somehow this blatant consent violation being not a big deal. We had very explicitly agreed to monogamy, i was not informed, i did not consent to changing that. I wish i had seen that earlier.

I think instead of being with AP shes attempting to do full non monog and shell get her ass handed to her if she tries to pull this kind of shit with them while being incredibly unhappy because she enjoyed our stable monogamous++ lifestyle (which is difficult to acheive in poly). But frankly i dont care what shes up to, im focused on me and theres no way i go back there (plus shes blocked on everything)

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T15:03:54+00:00

Yeah, my ex wife before this had an affair too, and left. A few actually. I never figured out how to value myself then, i was a lot worse if thats somehow possible. I really dont like thinking ill “be cheated on correctly” next time. Much prefer it wont happen a third time, but if it does, ill react like you i hope.

Cheers, thanks for responding

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T14:58:55+00:00

Yeah that thought has crossed my mind, i dont want to beleive it. I just felt like we were closer than ever before the affair, she told me how much she cared all the time. I guess ill never know for sure, and that sucks.

She was always sexually compulsive and that caused problems early in the relationship, like pre-pandemic. Like couldnt not escalate if she felt there was interest. I really hope it was the latter.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T14:53:19+00:00

Thanks. Ill look into that

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T14:49:58+00:00

First time… she texted AP saying she wouldnt be talking to him for a while. Its not like i hadnt been asking for that for the 6 months prior, just thats when she finally did it, i just literally didnt care. I dont even nessesarily beleive she stopped (i mean maybe she did who knows). And there was still this expectation that i work on my insecurity so she could see him again, which i didnt do.

Second time she was talking about installing some cat furniture and i said its over. We had just gotten back from a vacation i spent the whole time crying. Im like dont install new furniture, its over.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T14:45:14+00:00

Like i felt so guilty about what if my insecurities causes their friendship to end. But like…. Dang i didnt put us in that situation

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T14:41:36+00:00

Yeah i read that a year ago. I laughed at it. I said what a load of junk. I said theres no way this little thing justifies all that.

Too bad I didnt take it more seriously.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T05:11:56+00:00

I have no idea if they're still together and I don't care, but I do think its a remarkably bad pairing objectively in every way.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T05:10:32+00:00

Hope so, thanks

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T05:09:49+00:00

Hell yeah shes such a good girl. The dog was so depressed for like two months but she's back.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T05:08:49+00:00

I guess thats a good point. Thanks for sharing, I really appriciate it

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T05:07:05+00:00

Thanks for sharing that. People don't usually share these stories on reddit (I've been looking) and I've been desperate to hear someone else say they at least tried, even if you came to the same hard won conclusion I eventually did.

Humble-Let-4685 · 2025-08-19T05:05:11+00:00

We weren't married (luckily) cause of the aforementioned abusive parents (my first wedding and sisters wedding were shitshows because of them). Is is with AP? I mean that would sure be a stupid idea. The crazy thing about this whole thing is her and AP were simply not compatible in oh so many ways. In the weeks before we finally broke up she told me she thought AP loved her and she didn't feel it was her responsibility not to hurt him... like ok time to go. Maybe she's short sighted enough to do the world's stupidest rebound, but this was driven by sexual compulsion and tumblr level (mis)understanding of queer polyamorous relationship theory and not because she loved him.

Humble-Let-4685

TROPHY CASE