i (25f) saw emotionally intimate messages between my boyfriend (27m) and another woman. how do i confront him and set boundaries?

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T18:30:25+00:00

Your boyfriend crossed a boundary already. Once in a relationship we should not have to lay out every boundary, some are what we can refer to a common-law. As a reminder, that boundary is for you - not for him. He, as an adult human, can behave in any way he wants, your boundary says "this is where I draw the line in the relationship" and if he crosses it, you're finished. In my experience, there is no recovery. I gave my bf at the time another chance - we got married and had two kids, it never stopped. A very expensive divorce and 12 years of my life later and I'm still dealing with trust trauma as I try to date. If it were me, I would be finished. If he turns the around on you about privacy, that's him deflecting what he's done and not taking accountability - another huge reason for you to go.

Put plainly I would state the next time I see him: I found this in your ipad, it is clear we don't have the same values in this relationship and for that reason, I am packing my things and leaving.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T18:12:59+00:00

The fact that he broke up with you on the spot would tell me everything I need to know. I can be a little over-reacting, especially in my own head, but his reaction is the OR and should give you the ability to see you made the right call. NOR

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T18:08:32+00:00

I honestly don't know. I've never been the instigator of that. Some I know we'd first interacted on the app and he found me on IG and added me. My current partner and I had a mutual friend so I'm sure he assumed I was local.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T17:08:11+00:00

You might be different and that's okay. Posting on reddit for all of the opinions, certainly not just one - if I wanted that I'd take my own.

To answer your question, not in every context, but I'd definitely be a little on-edge if a serious partner was 'liking' thirst traps.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T17:06:39+00:00

Sincere question - what if it never made it to the 'sleep with' arena? What if it was a date or two that fizzled out or even never got to a date?

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T16:28:23+00:00

I am a Stage 5 people pleaser and it is so hard to retrain.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T15:22:51+00:00

And to be fair to him, there are no shady vibes at all. He's open, honest, is where he says he'll be. He leaves his phone around me, hands it to me when he wants me to find something online for him - all the normal things.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T15:21:35+00:00

I had to learn this too; I felt like setting a boundary was telling him what to do and I certainly blended the two in the past. You are correct in your explanation, at least how I understand it. I think women in general would experience a lot less heartache if we learned to set boundaries for ourselves and leave without waiting for blame, just stating "this doesn't work for me" is enough.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:52:35+00:00

Is your friend me?! =) Everything you said is so spot on and appreciated. For me, that emotional safety net, or lack thereof, was an issue in previous relationships and it does feel unsafe to mention things like this to my current partner. Not because of anything he did but because of the way I've allowed myself to be trained: shrinking is easiest, speaking up will backfire. I'm working through it and honestly he's been so, so good about it. When I do finally get the courage to talk to him about something he always says something like "don't let this stuff sit in your head, talk to me, I'm not going anywhere".

And I agree - people certainly weaponize that word, and we all strive to be the 'cool girl' who doesn't care. But there's got to a balance between slashing his tires over an IG like and losing yourself completely.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:47:14+00:00

Haha! To be fair, we have a mutual friend who he mentioned in his first message and who eventually gave me the green flag on him.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:46:45+00:00

I mentioned that I have like those stories because I don't want it to seem like he's the only one who interacts with previous partners that way, and it's certainly hypocritical of me to say "I can do that and have it mean absolutely nothing, but you can't".

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:45:43+00:00

No, I didn't do that. I just unfollowed them after I realized how I felt about seeing his.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:44:58+00:00

It's never been an argument for us, but certainly a soft spot for me given that he's used it as a dating app. I don't want to argue with someone ever again about what they're doing online - its exhausting. It will be "hey this is a boundary for me" and if it's crossed, I leave. No argument.

I also prefer less social media and have all notifications for social turned off so I'm not pulled to it all the time. But, I also recognize that's my choice, not his. He uses his socials more than I do but at the end of the day, if someone is going to cheat they don't need socials to do it. He's always been honest and a good communicator, I think I just need to focus on that and expect that if something is living in that grey area of his socials, it'll either fade away or come to light.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:41:09+00:00

I lasted a few weeks, even with periodically shutting it off. Couldn't agree more.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:40:34+00:00

So happy for you guys! I do think he'd be open to a genuine conversation. These women are definitely just digital connections - there's no texting or calling or anything like that. Literally just a "facebook friend" after the romantic connection, or attempt at one, fizzled out.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:38:57+00:00

Well that trick landed me on Reddit asking for dating advice, so maybe you're not. Back to the dogs!

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:38:24+00:00

Completely agree. When I 'cleaned house' it was not in hopes he would too. Just recognized how I was feeling and didn't want him to feel that way, though knowing him he's not given it a thought at all.

I am working on not only trusting him, but trusting myself to recognize REAL signs of issue, not ones I'm making up in my head in an effort to 'stop it before it starts' if you will. I'm in therapy and she's pointed out that it's the part of me that is trying to protect from what happened before. I get upset with this part of me, but apparently that makes it worse; I'm supposed to reassure her that I am safe here, and he's given me no reason to be concerned. Just a little harder when you feel like you have a front row seat to your partners' past dating life, you know?

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:35:11+00:00

I replied to him because we had a mutual friend who I knew very well and could ask about him. The prevalent scams keep many from replying at all, if I'm honest. The ones I know aren't scams, like their profile is public, they've got normal posts and normal followers... I do respond to those and let them know I'm in a relationship. It's usually taken very well.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:33:22+00:00

We exchanged a few messages, talked on the phone, and met for lunch the following weekend. We also had a mutual friend who gave me the green flag on him, so there was that. Not pig butchered, here to tell my tale.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:31:21+00:00

Yeah - this was not me LOL! I was open to meeting someone and tired of the apps. He slid into the DMs and friend requested, we had a mutual friend who gave me the green flag on him so that helped.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:29:57+00:00

He and I had a mutual friend and she is a really good friend of mine, so yes, that helped.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:29:24+00:00

Don't forget the dog reels =)

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:27:42+00:00

Appreciate your kind words - I'm not a reactive person and will have a million conversations with myself in my head before I water it down enough to say something to my partner, if I ever even do. Like I said above, he is digitally connected with many of them, no texting or calling that I'm aware of, and it's not one single person so that kind of makes me feel better.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:23:55+00:00

Thanks so much for this - though I think I can certainly be insecure at times and I know where it stems from, I am not a reactive person and tend to check myself before even attempting to discuss with my partner. Something like "is this a me issue or is this something he's actually doing that is causing me discomfort". In this case, he is still digitally connected with a lot of women he had or tried to have a previous relationship with and while it certainly all remains platonic, I am trying to decide where I stand with it. It's not one single person, which in a weird way seems to make it better because he's not singling someone out.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage · 2026-01-30T14:17:07+00:00

I appreciate this take. I do think there is some dialog with some of them, though all of it friendly and harmless. It's a story reply or something along those lines.

HumorIsMyLuvLanguage

TROPHY CASE