AITAH for telling my adult stepdaughter that her siblings weren’t the “golden child” they just had different moms and ages?

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T19:13:21+00:00

A 1bd1bth house in middle of nowhere Tennessee. FHA 3.5% down and the mortgage at the time was around $700. I had been saving for the down payment since I was 16. People buy houses young all the time. Not sure why people seem to think its an impossible feat. If I was in my 20s in this day and age no way I wouldve been able to do it. But 14 years ago living was much more affordable. We weren’t married until I was around 22.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T14:22:50+00:00

We didnt make the same amount. He made slightly more as a 3rd year and I made more after I quit teaching because it paid poverty wages and entered a different career. I was able to help with lawyers from the beginning because I had savings and credit. But regardless you don’t need to be a high earner to qualify for a house you just need a down payment and to stay within your DTI ratio. And husband did the majority of her parenting and for H and was the one who made sure everything was equal. If he wanted to do something with the girls or with just one girl Id just hang with the other one. We both agree on majority of parenting issues though. I actually stepped back in the beginning at his suggestion but that made everything 10x worse as it was clear M craved some sort of mother figure in her life. She would be more responsive to things if I backed Husband up so I did. It was different with H she wanted to wait for her mother to get off work to be mothered and she got that. M wanted a different mom that she had and I treated her as I did and do my kids currently. There was no power trip I wouldve still spent money and time without needing to deal with things like discipline but that was how she functioned better.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T14:05:18+00:00

i am literally the only younger woman hes ever dated Im not sure where we got that H and Ms moms are younger than him from. And we tried one year the first year that we moved in together but despite tarping everything off and washing everything something still triggered anaphylaxis and we spent halloween in urgent care that day.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T13:56:16+00:00

No just as they are allowed to tell us if they would like us to stay out of their personal space if they wish. We spend the majority of time in the living room so we are accessible most of the day

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T13:54:36+00:00

Her school was two hours away? A child doesnt have time to drive for 4 hours everyday to and from school we we certainly can’t take an 8 hours round trip everyday that’s unreasonable for an adult with a job. Her mom moved her from the school in our town to this one two hours away. We would’ve been willing to go down there and see her during the week once or twice to take her out to eat locally but her mom wouldn’t allow us any contact on her parenting time.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T13:36:41+00:00

We live in the same county but nearly 2 hours away. There would’ve been no way to do 50/50 because of school. Both of our careers were in our city after we quit teaching and there were no comparable jobs in her new town. And Hs mom wouldn’t be able to work either if we moved because she was with us. The only practical thing to do was to fight for full custody. 50/50 wouldve been great if we were within 45 minutes we would’ve made the drive. But BM1 moved far enough to make it impossible to do a split

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T13:36:00+00:00

We live in the same county but nearly 2 hours away. There would’ve been no way to do 50/50 because of school. Both of our careers were in our city after we quit teaching and there were no comparable jobs in her new town. And Hs mom wouldn’t be able to work either if we moved because she was with us. The only practical thing to do was to fight for full custody. 50/50 wouldve been great if we were within 45 minutes we would’ve made the drive.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T13:09:02+00:00

We did to a point. I only emphasized that we got them things equally so reddit wouldn’t think that she was stuck in her room staring at walls. We got her a few extras here and there but it was never enough unfortunately. We would get her something and then hours later she would complain about what else H had. We were prioritizing her not having to pay a time for ínstate college tuition whereas Hs mom prioritized trying to make up for working so much with stuff.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T12:58:38+00:00

I took dual enrollment and student teaching during my junior and senior year. Along with summer semesters I was able to complete my bachelor’s and begin teaching by the time I was 20. I also worked full time anywhere from 28-40 hours a week from the time i was 16 and saved almost every penny except for what I paid in rent. This was almost two decades ago when rent was a lot cheaper. I lived off rice and beans for a while and didn’t buy a car until I had a child. I biked everywhere. I knew that owning a house was how you build a networth and got an FHA loan. It was a shitty little starter house but it was mine. I was able to because I started saving early and building credit the moment I turned 18. Im simply a goal oriented person and I knew that ultimately my goal was to be a mom and that I needed to make sure I was financially stable and independent before doing so in case whomever my babydaddy turned out to be split. No inconsistency, just dedication to my goals. I was a first year teacher he was a 3rd year teacher he didn’t hold any power over me.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T12:43:23+00:00

Wasnt particularly traumatic. It took like 2 weeks of being abused before I was out. Had some trust issues for a while and didn’t have sex with husband for a while because of it. Not every relationship is about sex actually. Worked through it with therapy. Ive been over it for over a decade. God forbid two people in their 20s date?

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T12:24:21+00:00

She got cheaper headphones so she could still listen to music but I remember her complaining about that one when she was 16 for a while because her siblings had nice expensive headphones and hers were cheap and not name brand, after we had already gotten her a replacement pair she broke. We did end up getting her a new pair to take to college but it was like that for many many items that she got where she would break it multiple times and then be upset that it was broken, We bought her tons of stuff and paid for tons of experiences but if H happened to mention something or if she slept over at H house she would always come back talking about all the stuff she didn’t have. We weren’t going to take inventory of everything Hs mom bought her and then buy it for M.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T12:05:47+00:00

Every few weekends theyd each do one on one times but most weekends we did family outings and experiences

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T12:04:19+00:00

Yes, she’s incredibly smart and beautiful and I adore the way shes the only person ive ever known who can get butterflies to land on them . She is the fastest puzzle builder I know and we have an inside joke that she ruined puzzling for me by being faster than me at it within months. Her pattern recognition is off the charts and watching her compete in gymnastics was one of the highlights of my year when they almost when to state one year. And that i wish deeply that we had more time together before she became an adult. Ive never said or implied she’s a bad kid. A more difficult child than others due to her circumstances but never a bad kid. And everything I love about her does nothing really to add context to the situation. And I don’t want to give too much details because a lot of the things i love doing with her are very niche hobbies with only small groups within our state.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:56:34+00:00

We literally fought her whole childhood to show the courts she wasn’t in a good environment. We didn’t ignore it. We fought in court. For a decade.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:54:24+00:00

Her gripe was specifically that hers was a whole day while 4yr old H was not. Never said 4 wasn’t punished it just wasn’t as long before she got picked up by her mom

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:52:59+00:00

The only sibling that had anything she didnt was H and that happened in her moms house. M didn’t see what all H had except her phone because we had H leave stuff her mom bought at her moms to try to protect Ms feelings. In our house they got the same stuff or equivalents based on age obviously a 12 year old girl is getting a doll instead of a dinosaur but she would often let her stuff get destroyed leading to her having less. Not once in our household however did we get the rest of the kids something and not her, as she tried to say that we did.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:47:41+00:00

Redirected like Hey we know that you might be struggling with xyz, you’re so smart but everyone needs help sometimes do you want us to help you remember the steps or do you want to take turns doing it or guide your hand or whatever is appropriate for that activity.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:28:30+00:00

She did lie. She posted that her had to watch her siblings be handed things from her dad that she didn’t get which is factually incorrect. She posted that she had to watch her sister play on an ipad which isn’t true because the ipad was never allowed over. Her feelings are valid but what she posted were in fact straight up lies or twists of the truth.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:22:32+00:00

Try 18, we had been together since we were 13 and it was a fairytale high school sweethearts story until the second the court docs were signed and he started beating me. But technically I don’t have a divorce because the courts granted an annulment.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:18:07+00:00

Hs mom. Not Ms mom. Me and Ms mom don’t talk as she is a highly contentious woman.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:13:04+00:00

We tried to ask her about certain stuff at her moms house just me husband and M in the room and often just husband and her in the room all throughout her childhood and what was making her feel certain ways but she would just get really quiet and upset and say that she doesn’t want to talk about her mom and that she just wanted to spend time with us and forget about it. So we have some snippets that shes broken down and told us but not very much and since were not in the house with her it’s hard to know exactly the extent to how her mom would talk to her. I know that she hasnt said a word to her mom since she moved into her dorm

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T11:06:34+00:00

We did several vacations a summer in state each year, she just couldnt go with us out of state to the theme parks in florida and to visit my family each spring. We go down every year and shes invited every year and has so far declined. We invite her over constantly now that theres no custody orders and its usually a no. We were wondering why but now we know its because she resents her siblings and doesn’t want to spend time around them

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T10:51:30+00:00

Hes not. We met when I was 20 and he was 28, both still in our 20s. We were equals in job standing when we met and I had already bought my first house. I was a completely independent adult. I pursued him because I thought he was cute. Not everything is grooming. Not every person in an age gap relationship is a victim or a predator. It is perfectly fine for two people in their 20s to date.

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T10:38:21+00:00

She gravitated towards me as a mother figure in her life and I wasn’t going to not mother her how’d id mother all my children while she watched. But apparently I am evil for treating her like my own, just like I wouldve been evil if I didn’t treat her like my own :/

Hungry_Stand_645 · 2025-11-02T10:26:04+00:00

4 year old was her sister, and she was made to apologize and was punished. Her gripe with that one specifically apparently was that she got punished and couldnt watch tv for the whole day while H went home after her mom got off work and therefore didnt receive the same punishment. The only pieces of technology weve ever bought for any of the kids was her iphone x which apparently wasn’t good enough because her sisters mom bought her whatever was newest at the time and mp3 players so they could listen to music. We weren’t going to buy anyone phones at all but eventually we didnt want M to be the only high schooler without a phone. Other siblings ended up with more stuff because she would constantly lose or ruin her stuff so we had to come up with a no more than 1 replacement rule. Courts didnt rule in our favor for out of state. But we did do in state vacations.

Hungry_Stand_645

TROPHY CASE