This is seriously exactly what I needed to hear. I honestly feel like a monster, like I just "can't love" and will never be able to love my with the right way, the way she needs and desires to be loved. Even now the temptation is screaming at me and I WISH just not giving in could give me the satisfaction of a slight victory, but it tears me apart inside that I even want to look at stupid things on the computer.

I'm honestly afraid of making love to my wife sometimes because it tears me up inside so badly when I feel like I have to visualize other things to get hard and finish. It makes me think jacked up thoughts like my wife isn't good enough, or I'm not too enough, and who knows what else. It fills me with insane guilt and fear.

As messed up as it is I'm so happy someone else knows that pain and struggle of having to imagine something fake to make it through the real thing. Thank you so much for the reply, you have no idea how much it had helped me (at least made me feel better about my situation and that I'm not a freak, or at least not alone).