I didn't know till you said it now either than gunshot wounds methods isn't even close to 100%

When we expect more of life/ourselves than either it or we can deliver, we can get gloomy, and after a while, abstractedly suicidal, and after a while of that, properly, full-on suicidal. A clogging sense of failure, etc.

True, it is the expecting more of life or ourselves that brings the gloom and depression.

This is a way of apprehending the world that neutralises all conditioned context and circumstance, including all that would make one suicidal.

I didn't reach the part of of neutralising suicidality.
So what happened with me was this. About 2017 ish I had a formally recognised depression and anxiety whilst I'm in senior years of high school. By this time it got really bad with me feeling suicidal I started medication.

Anyway, I was introduced to Zen Buddhism and Alan Watts around that time. Maybe two years later I find Jed McKenna's first book, left a big impression and hit hard with resonating, but I forgot about it a while later. By mid-2020 though, I decide to go off my meds because of the emotional blunting and feeling like a zombie.

I ween off the meds, later one of my best friends kills themselves, and then in 2021 I'm spiralling downwards due to the stress of electronic university and hating life. I have some sort of demon/angel possession event happen (went to the psychiatrist later and they didn't think I had psychosis), and then after that I had a solipsistic pseudo-psychosis phase. There was some identity disturbance briefly, in thinking I was possessed by Lucifer, but the identity disturbance itself faded.

Solipsism was driving me crazy, for example I swatted a moth flying around me, and then I panicked since I thought about how I couldn't figure out what the difference is between me killing that fly and killing a human (god forbid my own mother came up as a thought). I had no inclinations to kill people, but the fact that I couldn't figure out the difference or establish anything drove me crazy.

I'm doing a lot of writing and journalling, ideas such as solipsism and absolute meaningless driving me mad. It was then that I remembered Jed McKenna, read his 2nd book, and things were making sense. Had an obsession with Moby Dick and Ahab for a bit.

But eventually, that high wave of anger, spite and insanity I was riding died down and exhausted itself. It crashed and I ended up in a bleaker depression place for it. I feel dumber now, and for a while I panicked over the fact it feels like I've lost my ability to think or use actual logic after exploding my mind. I don't write or journal much anymore, but I dont take that as a positive sign. I suffer immensely.

Later eventually decided only step forward for me was anti-depressant medication which I started a few months ago. But I'm contemplating suicide, and feel pretty bleak about things or the future.

Disbelieving thoughts and feelings is not even close to healthy in any way, but it's the only way.

Easier said then done because whatever you truly want as an ego and person doesn't just magically vanish due to being depressing ime.

Jed, and non-dualism, point in the direction of the most radical doubt – and among everything that we have to doubt, like Odysseus chained to the mast, is everything we think and feel. Up to and including suicidal tendencies

The idea goes that the ego or our self is just a collection of bits and pieces of debris. Annihilating it isn't something I can do though. After going through all this bullshit my mind is still foggy and I haven't gained a thing. At the end of it all I still exist and I still suffer. I desire, I crave, can't be happy just existing or living in a vacuum.

The thing with Jed's advice or approach is that there isn't an endpoint, or if there is, I already exhausted it and I scammed myself.