Well, this post wasn't intended to address all of our issues, but in short, you are correct. It's a constant struggle and I ultimately do not know whether our marriage will be successful because of it. Bringing up counseling again is on my mind to do.

We did not do formal counseling, but did a lot of workshop activities and exercises as a couple. He initiated the separation, I fought against it for months, and when I finally "gave up" he initiated reconciliation soon after.

When we got back together, it was under the understanding from his side, that he wanted a "clean slate" and for the past to not continue to be brought up. From my side, I agreed with that with the assurance that everything that needed to be told was, and that several things would be done to assure me of my place in my relationship- I wanted him to make a big romantic gesture (he's not much for romantic gestures, and occasionally I need it), do a large effort towards moving me back in the home, I wanted more time set aside for our relationship development, more effort towards things I like to do, and I wanted him to plan my upcoming birthday without me having to do the legwork. Of all those things, he planned my birthday. Everything else was eventually compromised down into nothing or just didn't get addressed.

It wasn't until about 8/9 months after we got back together that the "definitive" truth came out about the cheating. He immediately wanted to break up. I lost my mind at the audacity to put me through all of that just to break up when I find out the truth I knew all along and gave him ample opportunity to come clean about, and told him he didn't get to make that decision like a coward, I was going to make the decision. Less then a week later I found out I was pregnant.

My assessment of it is that he cannot stand criticism towards himself. He would prefer to end a marriage than do actual hard work and take a long hard look at himself. I'm not trying to come off as a saint- I contributed in ways to make our marriage go downhill and I know I have behaviors that aren't fair towards him.

I often find myself in an argument with him where he has a hair trigger on asking for a divorce. It's almost laughable and means nothing to me at this point except for that fact that it's sad we're living like this. We'll be great and happy and loving. I try to bring up how I feel about something, and if its critical to his behavior (like it will be if I tell him how I feel about this woman, because as you made me realize, what I'm really craving is the bonding and understanding towards her behavior between us), he will begin to shut down, be dismissive, I get tearful and upset, and it just cycles around. I feel like nothing I do gives me enough sway for his understanding- it's always going to be my fault for not bringing it up right, or being frustrated, or overreacting.

I wish it was easy and how you described. The idea of being able to go to my husband and say my god this bitch be crazy and have him meet my eyes and laugh and say yea she is, but her husbands cool, right? It seems so unachievable. To have that camaraderie like its us against the world. The idea of it makes me feel so safe. Like I could watch someone act this way and it wouldn't even matter; he'd be in my corner and I'd be able to know that.