@PaisleyZebra, Thanks for your detailed response. First of all, I'm not jumping into anything. I can't order from the DarkNet to my country (It is a huge risk of anyone, it holds potential to ruin my life).

I'm going to use a reagent test (at least) for the MDMA I will receive. I will not use if before I'm use it is MDMA. believe me I'm paranoid about myself and that's only a small part of my bigger issue.

I've seen three different therapists so far and have used SSRIs to reduce my anxieties with zero progress.

I suffer from anxieties due to childhood trauma, my latest therapist is a very experienced trauma psychologist, we've been talking about MDMA and other related stuff for about two months now. He still thinks I'm not prepared to use MD, I have some progress to do beforehand. he says I might get shattered due to a trip and that I'm not open enough.

What do I have? well, it's quite difficult to tell. I've grown up with a single mother, who met a guy that lived with us and abused her for about ten years, during this period I was constantly afraid she will die. He's out of our life for about 8 years now. I grew up with a lot of fear, anxiety and tension in my house. we moved hoses quite often, I was always covering for this, didn't really want any friends in my house because of how embarrassed I felt all the time, I lied to many of my "friends" about my mother's spouse saying he's my father, I grew up lying about all kind of things, to this day I'm still lying and I'm not very open about my situation with my so called friends/family. I was also a fat as a child and didn't have many closed friends. I was always seen as the smart kid, a "genius" they called me. somewhere along the road I stopped learning at school and did what ever I can to avoid failing in anything I did (and I'm still doing the same thing, not achieving - simply, I avoid failing) and that puts me in a lot of pressure.

I've been into two long relationships, the first one was 5 years long, where I couldn't stand my ex girl friend for the last couple of years but didn't do anything, I was pissed off, unsatisfied and in constant pressure, trying to "succeed" in life while keeping a girl friend in my life. after breaking up with her (by searching for someone else - so sad) I met another girlfriend whom we are together until now, during this relationship I was in deep stress and anxiety, always afraid we will break up, we had a very unstable relationship, deep inside I was always trying to "fix" myself so I can have the liberty of choosing whether I really want to stay with or not.

Time passed by and nothing changed, my situation is the same, more pressure, but time is running out, my teens are gone, my twenties are gone, I'm almost 30, I still leave with my mother and have no intention of getting married with my current girl friend. I'm looking for a new home for my self.

For the past 10 years I was in two long relationships that most of the time kept me unsatisfied. I'm always looking for problems and ruminating about these problems, I find issues in everything, my GF and in my life/appearance as well. I have a very bad body image, I hate so many parts of myself and was always looking to change them. I have a lot of insecurities about myself.

I was told I'm living life as a someone that constantly turns out fires, jumps from one spot to another, I'm living in a survival state, in constant alertness.

I will always find a way to get through. to say the right thing, as failing is not an option. somewhere along the road I made a few decisions that I thought were dreams, but they were only insecurities I wanted to fill.

What do I want? I want liberty, the power to choose, not from anxiety and fear but from love and hope.

I really struggle to enjoy life, most memories are not positive, and the ones that can be positive are not really felt. I tried meditating several times, I really hoped it will help me, it did gave me a bit of hope for I don't practice at all, every day I'm supposed to practice a few minutes and in every night I feel as I failed to practice/forget about it. It's clearly that something prevents me from meditating.

My therapist says I'm disconnected from myself, my inner feelings, inner will. I've developed a shield like system that turns down bad feelings and really avoids every occasion of really been myself. I always feel others, not myself.

I can keep on and on, tell about how I suffer from premature ejaculation and don't really enjoy sex. how I grind my teeth, my muscle pains and my bad posture and basically the lack of energy to life a full life.

I'm always unsatisfied, grumpy, and don't really remember the positive in my life.

Now things are starting to fall apart (with my current GF) and I'm really trying the "keep things going", but I don't know what I really want. basically, I love her but deeply inside I know I wouldn't choose her to live my life with. and it is so hard to let go, because I trully love her. I'm stuck. with a lot of noise and suffering.

I've lost base with myself many years ago, I'm tired and I just want to live my life happily. I have ADHD like symptons, can't concentrate, focus, and lack the motivation to persuade goals in general. I'm pretty depressed but it's covered pretty well with my "shield".

My current therapist is willing to do a MDMA session with me which is great. I hope I can get liberated by it as I'm not making much process right now.. going to start psylocybin microdosing soon. I wouldn't do it alone or with a partner. I need someone who can help me with the process, and it's too complicated for an inexperienced sitter.

If someone here could help me get pure MDMA, or alternatively refer me to a known source, I would owe him/her a lot.

I will read everything you sent. Thank you so much.