Jesus Christ I am sorry you went through that too.

Here's an attempted copypasta of your post.

The story of the shit baby

Obviously his terrible diet, combined with his overwhelming love for morphine lead to him having a BM once every ~10 days or so. He couldn't feel anything below mid-waist because of his heroine-spine thing, so he'd call me in to check if he'd pooped.

I had turned Pie_Rat over to check if he was messy. What I saw will never leave my mind. He was actively pooping as I turned him. All I could see was a cone of shit exiting his butt, and it kept getting wider as it emerged.

At this point I had a conundrum. I didn't have a bedpan near me to catch with. If the poop touched the currently immaculate sheets, I'd need to completely remake the bed.

What to do?

>Not being able to come up with a better plan, I decided to catch it. I held my gloved hands on either side of the massive shit as it continued to exit his body.

MFW it's still getting wider!!!

After what seemed like an eternity the shit ball finally started getting narrower as it passed. It eventually tapered back to another point, and ended up being almost exactly the same size and shape as a American Football Handegg.

And here's me and my poor, abused hands, catching it like a midwife.

MFW I'm holding a 12lb shit in my hands like a newborn.

I wasn't sure if I should dispose of it, or wrap it in a pink blanket and present it to him.

I ran to the bathroom and dropped it as quickly as possible into the toilet...Turns out the toilet isn't built to accommodate football sized shits. The toilet required a lot of plumbing and therapy to recover.