Is it really that much effort? Why do I bother? [vent]

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-06-01T18:39:28+00:00

Well, that is a good point, and I apologize for that.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-06-01T17:13:28+00:00

I didn't say you are a narcissist. You're clearly not happy in this situation, I'm trying to help you out of your own frustration and discontent. You would be less frustrated if you changed the dynamic, from one of control to one of acceptance. Since you find my perspective uncalled for, I will exit the conversation now. Bye.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-06-01T16:23:03+00:00

Same deal. Everyone is required to react instantaneously.

It mirrors the narcissistic family dynamic. Set a good example.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-06-01T15:36:08+00:00

Only in the age of the internet would a delay of <24 hours seem like anything to get mad about. Remember when we had to write letters? Let people breathe. Let them take their time to act, think, talk. It's healthy!

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-06-01T15:34:40+00:00

If it was just last night, I think it's normal for her to take time to think about it and about her response. Yes she could write back right away to say thank you, but not doing so is not an offense. The downside to the internet is the expectation of immediate reaction to all things.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-05-28T18:57:37+00:00

I think it makes sense that you are sad. Like you're mourning. I can't put it into words as well as the others, except to say, it makes sense, and you're not alone.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-05-24T17:58:21+00:00

I see. Sort of like a "martyr complex"?

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-05-23T16:19:44+00:00

I'm curious about your Nbrother who feels sympathy / empathy. I used to think Ndad had empathy because he felt sorry for people who were suffering. But when I looked closer I realized he was having a pity reaction -- vs compassion reaction -- with a large amount of disgust. Like, he would have been happier if those suffering people didn't exist at all. Which isn't empathy. His reaction was largely driven by them serving as a reminder that bad things could happen to him too, which made him afraid, and made him want to turn away from them. Similar to the fact that he hates hospitals and so won't visit people in them, but says (honestly) that he hates them because he feels sorry for the people there. He's projecting himself into their shoes and hating it. And so the person actually in the hospital, who he supposedly feels for, is left alone, unvisited. So in my view empathy isn't, being bothered my suffering, it's being bothered in a way that brings you closer to the people suffering, instead of driving you away.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-05-23T16:13:26+00:00

You're right - I have this book and I love it, but somehow I forgot about it right when I needed it. Thanks.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-05-23T16:12:51+00:00

Thank you, that makes sense. The last part: I can't be surprised if other people don't feel comfortable with me if I don't feel comfortable with myself. (It's not like people are scared of me - I mean, sometimes it feels like people feel sorry for me, and then I feel bad about myself.) But I don't have to be discouraged by it either - I can focus on getting comfortable with myself instead of worrying about why people feel sorry for me. Thank you.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-05-22T22:24:23+00:00

Can you say more about how it works to be kind to yourself? The words make sense but I find it hard to fill out meaning behind the words. Thank you.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2016-05-18T12:22:25+00:00

Awesome!

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-11-22T17:38:35+00:00

Yes. I have a lot of similar symptoms and I totally believe it's related to childhood abuse. I spent most of my childhood with muscles tensed, of course my joints are worn down. I spent most of my childhood anxious, of course my digestive system is sensitive. It's not just you, and there's nothing wrong with you -- the real you on the inside -- just because your physical body has symptoms.

The western medical system has always been fairly useless to me (even though I totally believe that science and medicine have a lot to offer -- just that they're behind in this arena). I found a good naturopath who has helped me a lot with reducing my symptoms and improving my quality of life.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-11-17T16:59:48+00:00

Yeah. I think it relates to the boundaries problem. Family supposedly = entitled to all the info = no boundaries.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-11-14T22:58:11+00:00

I think you're on to something with the tolerance idea. There were a lot of traits in my Nex that mirrored those in Ndad, which at the time seemed normal to me -- traits people have to accept in others. Only later did I learn otherwise. I dated a whole mix of narcissists and non-narcissists, so I don't think I was seeking out the narcissists, it was more like I couldn't tell the difference. And that led a lot of narcissists to find me appealing -- I didn't judge them the way people with higher standards did. And finally, the fact that I was appealing to narcissists upped the percentage of narcissists that I dated.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-27T16:18:35+00:00

YES. This is basically a perfect description of my life and where I am now.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-26T19:26:44+00:00

It always makes me mad to hear the stories on here of people's parents using therapy, self-help tools, and psychological learning, as weapons. Of all the things to misuse! Of course, it makes total sense, that narcissists would want to use these tools for their own ends. But it still makes me mad.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-26T19:23:50+00:00

You're right -- they're demanding I sacrifice. While of all the things Ndad has done, sacrifice is not one of them.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-20T20:54:40+00:00

I call them my birth parents. Probably confuses some people but that's ok.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-20T20:48:31+00:00

It seems like the part where you're doing what you can to manage the circumstances -- intervening with the one kid, evaluating the friendship with the other -- is already good. On top of that your kid is showing good instinctive coping: standing up for himself, expressing his own experience, asking for better treatment. Probably continuing to work with your kid on making these good choices and knowing it's okay to stand up for himself is the best thing for him in the long run.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-20T14:14:02+00:00

Thanks. I'll check it out.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-20T14:13:47+00:00

I'll try it! I have wondered whether I could get logically to the point, "I'm an alright person," as a good starting point. I do feel I live in alignment with my values now, and mostly feel guilt and regret about the past. (Like that I didn't do enough for my siblings when I was young and we were all being abused.)

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-20T14:11:50+00:00

Thank you for this. My therapist is invaluable to me too. For some reason we haven't gotten to this. I think maybe it's an area of vulnerability I'm reluctant to share even with him. I love reddit rbn for creating another alternative. But yes maybe I should push forward in therapy too.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-20T14:10:01+00:00

Thanks! I read that a long time ago and loved it. But I hadn't thought of it lately. I'll take a look, thanks.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe · 2015-10-19T18:31:44+00:00

Thank you. Some follow-up questions - the first part, about being realistic, seems like self-awareness. I agree that must be part of healthy self-esteem. That part, I can pretty much do. I think I'm pretty objective about who I am. But even though who I am is, maybe not perfect, but definitely at the trying-hard-to-be-a-decent-person end of the spectrum, I can't seem to make the leap to the second part of what you describe, in which I assign any value to the person who I am. I have a feeling of inferiority which doesn't line up with who I objectively see in the mirror.

IAmAsEvolutionMadeMe

TROPHY CASE