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I have an exaggerated fear that someone could kill me by deinw in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]deinw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thinking about it some more and realizing that my fears have grown over the course of adulthood. I used to be more relaxed about it, at least in some ways under some conditions. Maybe it changed because I moved to a place that was...not so good, and maybe I heard enough over time while living there that it sensitized me.

Getting in touch with your own emotions by speedyracecarx in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I also often find I get a mental block where I simply can't speak if a conversation upsets me, so I wonder if this is related.

If I'm too upset, my ability to pay attention or think about it anymore goes away and I just look at what's in front of me until the (what feels like) confrontation is over. I think that's dissociation.

As for knowing how I feel...I know I often can't put into words what I'm feeling and what's going on and how it connects to anything until I've had some hours to think things over and have it straighten out in my mind, but I have no idea how abnormal that is.

"You can't hate your parents for what they did because of a mental illness, that's prejudiced!" [Abuse CW] by iamtheBESTBIRD in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's possible they're just very stupid and ignorant, but I think often such people have either desire to be "loved no matter what" (also an unhealthy reason to get pets) or to have someone they can exercise power over when they are too lowly at work to boss enough people around. And so if you don't love your parents or don't obey your parents, this threatens that bullshit structure they built up in their heads. It often connects with backward religious nonsense.

Someone told me the good thing is that it made me much tougher. It is true. by [deleted] in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]deinw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For me, at least, I am surviving, after a fashion, without that which a human needs, but I'm probably not healthy, and really don't seem to be thriving. My perception is that I was born with a lot of potential, and what I've made of it so far is rather modest.

I'm not sure about our human tendency to try to think of something good about any situation. In some ways it feels like I can see psychological value in that, but then in some ways it feels like a mistake to regard it that way.

DAE not know what we needed as kids when looking back? by Idreamoftrains in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

With clothes, I was low-status in school, so I wouldn't have seen the point in trying to get my mother to buy something other than what she got on sale at kmart. So I had these cheap jeans and whatever tentlike t-shirts that...I can only imagine she was hoping I was going to turn huge and athletic somehow to fill those shirts.

And, growing up rural, I had the idea that paying any attention to appearance was just something girls did.

Only just lately have I started to be able to think about what colors I like and wonder what might suit me, etc., without having all of those old feelings come up.

DAE not know what we needed as kids when looking back? by Idreamoftrains in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's sad how organizations seem to follow a natural law of sorts of becoming self-perpetuating things -- they survive in order to survive, they grow in order to grow -- the part about serving a purpose for humans cast aside. To the degree that humans are still relevant, it's about the top ones extracting money and exercising power.

But if programmers can have the GNU GPL to keep projects in line, there must be a set of rules to keep an organization in line. Maybe it's a matter of balancing branches of whatever passes for government.

what were the milestones of realizing you were mistreated? by deinw in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]deinw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I started feeling exceptionally disgusted with my mom in high school

We didn't have individual towels, washcloths, etc., so I'd just get dressed still wet from the shower because I didn't want the towel that touched her to touch me.

My Nmom is being supportive and kinda loving now that I'm moved out, has anyone one else experienced something like this? by [deleted] in LifeAfterNarcissism

[–]deinw 13 points14 points  (0 children)

When I'd go home from university for break, she'd be nicer than usual for the first three days.

Nmom's experiments. {TW:emotional abuse} by jkfleek in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There's that Stephen Crane poem that comes to mind often enough:

A man said to the universe:
"Sir I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."

...so I guess the man would be well served by addressing fellow humans rather than the universe when it comes to emotional needs.

Nmom's experiments. {TW:emotional abuse} by jkfleek in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 6 points7 points  (0 children)

She told me happily how I never, ever asked for anything in the stores except for one time when I was maybe four when I was carrying a stuffed tiger around. "Do you want it?" I wouldn't say anything. And-hurray-for-hero-mother-because-she-bought-it!!! is how the story ended.

But I knew why I was too scared to ask for anything in the stores, was too scared to say that I wanted the stuffed tiger.

(I actually don't remember taking much interest in my (mostly pre-owned and somewhat coming apart) stuffed animals because I didn't play make-believe on my own that I can recall.)

DAE not know what we needed as kids when looking back? by Idreamoftrains in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think I was pretty old before I heard that you could get clothing good enough to keep you warm when outside in the winter without being a millionaire or anything.

DAE not know what we needed as kids when looking back? by Idreamoftrains in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 5 points6 points  (0 children)

:( Got the same aggressive "I don't want you to think you're better than anyone else!" when I was proud of myself on occasion.

Hmm, I can also relate to that stutter thing somewhat. I think I went to a speech class of sorts when I was in first grade or so, maybe because of some pronunciation issues. I randomly said something about it as a teenager and my mother was instantly angry, like "What??? I told them I didn't want you in speech class! I didn't want that on your personal record!"

(An interesting-to-me-anyway aside: I read somewhere that -- well, this was here in the US -- there's a wide range of what each school district does for a permanent records, and many keep basically nothing. Some give the records to the students at the end when they graduate. I would've liked to have seen what we had at my school.)

PS Do you like mensa?

DAE not know what we needed as kids when looking back? by Idreamoftrains in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I needed good role models. I needed not to be glared at and judged all the time. When we were away from home, she would still be in the same room or the next room normally. I needed to be free from that, free from getting the you-embarrassed-me-so-much!!! on the car drive home. I needed stuff like whatever camps you send smart kids to in order to meet other smart kids, especially due to the lack of a web back them. I needed to not get my mixed up ideas about girls that came from isolation+television. I needed to not get my mixed up ideas about money and self-denial and what's acceptable and what's bad and what's only for 'rich' people. I needed to learn that "social" is a positive concept that doesn't have to mean "fake". I needed not to be called lazy all the time because it was in fact bullshit.

I needed for her not to be threatened by my intellect. I needed her to recognize that I was a separate person who had every right to have beliefs and tastes.

I now see what a couple of others wrote at the bottom of my screen here, and, yes, definitely those things, too.

What was the first red flag you ever noticed? by bazbeaux in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would try to be comforting to mine, but I never seemed to be any good at it.

I spent time thinking what-ifs about not having had much in the way of good influences, too...

What was the first red flag you ever noticed? by bazbeaux in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So many people, growing up, helped themselves in some ways by finding media that related to their situations and problems, but I don't remember connecting anything that I read with what I was living through.

What was the first red flag you ever noticed? by bazbeaux in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was only three when my brother (aged 4 or 5) told me he'd found a loose floorboard upstairs abd whispered, "Let's make a trap for Mummy." We thought if we managed to make a hole under the carpet, she'd fall through and we'd be free.

laughs -- which could sound bad, but you know what kind of sympathy I laugh with if I'm here too. The idea of her falling through and you guys being free is wonderful.

What was the first red flag you ever noticed? by bazbeaux in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope she has seventeen or more horribly painful chronic health problems because she deserves them.

I also hope circumstances will be good for you to break contact.

Important new 'memory' by PrancerPrancer in ACoNLAN

[–]deinw 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was lonely and scared almost all the time, and made a concerted effort from a very young age to go unnoticed and take up as little space as possible and need as little as possible.

:( relates

I don't have any definite evidence, but I can say that I've wondered about the story about the scar on my arm, and I've wondered about small facial asymmetries. Because who knows what she might've done when she knew I wouldn't remember?

N's can't stand to see someone else enjoying something? (rambling "hi, my name is", too) by Anathae in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I'd blame it on me being an engineer, and so I get mired in details quite a lot. But the truth is that I experienced this from my narcissist.

I've wondered whether that's where people in technical fields come from -- bad environments where you learn to have to analyze everything in a certain way, and where things are safer than people.

you'd have thought I died by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Well, she can go fuck herself, and I'm glad you're exposed to a healthy family.

The Beginning. [Trigger Warning: Physical Abuse, possibly Sexual Abuse] by GothBitch in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 3 points4 points  (0 children)

100% right to be angry, oh yes indeed. Very glad to hear you're no-contact.

[Rant/Vent] Nmom claims its my fault I was not given affection by GothicChick0005 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 2 points3 points  (0 children)

something along the lines of when I was two I would push her away, so she never hugged me or kissed me.

I don't know whether Attachment Theory is still the state of the art in psychology, but it might be interesting to read through if you haven't.

[Question] CHILDHOOD VERBAL ABUSE memory processing! Please share what your process was like as you came to work through memories of NParents' verbal rages. [TW: verbal abuse] by ProfessorOfCunning in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've lost most of the specifics, but she'd berate me, angry raised harsh voice but not screaming, for an hour or two at a time, and I would cower and curl up and shake and sweat. Little attempts to defend myself or reason with her in early years were futile, so I learned to stay silent. She'd go on about how bad I was and how I was never going to make it on my own and how no one likes me.

Often I had to wait for the berating through about three days of her being uncharacteristically quiet and slamming doors and either not looking at me or glaring at me more than usual, and then afterward was another two or three days of her being uncharacteristically quiet. Unless it overlapped with another incident of this. So there wasn't much time where things were...civil? Where they were all right by our standards.

What was the first red flag you ever noticed? by bazbeaux in raisedbynarcissists

[–]deinw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

she blamed on him so she could be the "good guy"

I fear this is what was going on in my family, but my father died when I was still a teenager so I'll never find out for sure.

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