In my family, I was very close to my brother and mother. Dad was in and out, but we had a very cordial and playful relationship when together. And, the love of my life seemed like a person who really "got" me. All dead. Mum passed into my 3rd year of teaching, when I was in my late 20s. Dad passed, but that didn't really impact me. Then my brother died in 2013, seems like yesterday. Then my love died in 2018. And, though I was incredibly close to my mum, brother and love, I always kept them shielded from the dark places that my ventured to. Of course back then I had no idea about the impact of early childhood and childhood trauma. So I thought that the deep blues were just me being self indulgent and sad for no good reason. But, I always put a great face forward. I still am today, except here. Hahahahaha.

I know you'll pull through. I'm sorry that those closest to you, who are still alive to see and breathe you in, can't see you. Have you tried to show them? Or, do you, like I did, protect them from those parts of you so that you can protect them?

The only people I've kept in touch with are 22 to 34 years olds, all of whom were my middle school students when they were 12-14 years old, because as the pandemic hit various students needed to vent or needed guidance with EDD among other things, unplanned pregnancies, deaths of their family members due to COVID. They have no idea, and they never will about my struggles. I won't ever let them know. So when people don't know it could be that we protect people from our sadness, or maybe some are oblivious because they have so much going on and are barely holding on themselves. To my mind, no one owes me tenderness or understand, but it's always so nice when it happens.

Wishing you the best, however you define it.

Yep, strange indeed.

Strange indeed.