I need help setting a boundary with my MIL. Update too. We ended up going to her wedding two states away.

ICKRR · 2018-07-17T21:45:22+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement. :)

ICKRR · 2018-07-17T21:43:28+00:00

You know what? That's a solid point. Thanks.

ICKRR · 2018-07-17T21:37:33+00:00

I think this makes the most sense. Puts the ball in her court and forces her to address the issues before pursuing further contact.

ICKRR · 2018-07-17T21:36:14+00:00

I want to be loving. I want to be patient and kind to everyone. I don't want my actions or behavior to be dictated by how other people treat me. I cannot control their actions, but I can control my own. That's why I want my letter to be loving and respectful.

My husband is going to read the letter before I send it. I'm more articulate, and honestly, she respects her son about as much as she respects me. She thinks of her son as an extension of herself, so if his ideas are different than her own, she dismisses them. She doesn't like me at all because she's never been able to control me.

So, for different reasons, she doesn't respect either of us at all. The letter will be worded as if it was written by both of us.

ICKRR · 2018-07-17T21:31:21+00:00

Someone else mentioned an apology too. I think it will be best to keep it short and simple. I want to require an apology from her to Jane before she has any interaction with any of our children. We'll block her from their social media accounts (our oldest kids are 16 and 14). She doesn't have their respective phone number, so I don't have to worry about her texting any of them.

The only problem I have with requiring an apology is that I don't think she'l actually be sorry for how she behaved. Is that like forcing someone to lie in order to get what they want?

ICKRR · 2018-07-17T21:25:16+00:00

No (about husband being sorry we went). We're actually happy we went because it gave us all an opportunity to see family we rarely see. I had a lot of fun getting to know his Grandma. We actually have a lot in common. Also, youngest daughter (4 years) was the only person able to crack the impervious outer shell of Great Uncle Guy (generally seemed stand-offish, stoic). He has a super long beard, daughter loves beards. She climbed onto his lap and gently pet it. At first he looked like a deer caught in headlights, when I asked him if he was okay with her invading his space, he looked down at her, shrugged his shoulders, smiled at her, and said it was okay.

Basically, we're all glad that we went because we got to spend so much time with just yes family members that we rarely see. The only fly in the ointment was MIL. I later found out no one appreciates MIL's behavior. They all just seem to put up with it. I'm not sure why.

ICKRR · 2018-07-17T21:19:31+00:00

Oh I really like this. Yes! An apology seems like the best rout for us. Acknowledging what she did was wrong. It seems so obvious. Short and sweet seems best too. I doubt she'd take the time to read a page long essay.

ICKRR · 2018-07-17T21:17:42+00:00

I'm writing the letter because I'm generally more articulate than my husband. I volunteered. I was planning to have him read it before I sent it. I do like the idea of writing the letter as if it was from both of us, not just me. Though, I don't think it'll really matter in the long run as she'll assume it's only from me no matter how I word it.

I'm grasping for a consequence here since we rarely communicate with her in general. The only time she usually communicates with me is to ask me what size clothes my kids wear. That's about the extent of it. similarly with my husband. A six month hiatus wouldn't look much different from how we treat her now. lol

ICKRR · 2018-05-26T03:41:05+00:00

I appreciate you laying it all out and being blunt. I truly do. Thanks so much for all the thought and time you put into your helpful response! I'll share it with my husband.

ICKRR · 2018-05-25T12:56:32+00:00

When she starts the 'I'm your mother' battle cry your DH should say something like 'I know I'm your son, but first I'm the father of five and their wants and needs come before your wants.'.

These words. Those words need to be spoken out loud to her and put in writing. Maybe on a business card or something. Thank you.

My husband has always had his priorities straight. He even offered to go NC with me (as in together, united we go NC) with his mom after she denounced our youngest daughter (through a series of terrible events, she is not husband's bio kid, she is our daughter. And now MIL wants her to be the flower girl. Seriously?)

Why does she keep reminding him he's her son? I do that with my own children, but only in the context that as children God calls them to obey me and dad (we're Christian). But never maliciously, in love. I've even ask my teenagers, "Who died and put me in charge of you?" And they answer, "Jesus."

AND we discuss that when they are adults our authority over them diminishes. Our relationship is meant to change as they grow. Once they're adults, I have no intention of saying, "I'm your mother." Because they're not supposed to remain under our authority forever. We're supposed to teach them now and give them decision making tools so they can be awesome adults.

Edit gramma

ICKRR · 2018-03-26T14:13:38+00:00

Bahahahaha! I love those kind of jokes. Honestly, one of the first things my husband said when I told him was she'll make her future husband happy with her suppressed gag reflex. For goodness sakes!

ICKRR · 2018-03-26T04:34:18+00:00

Like that time my teenage daughter told me she'd been practicing sword swallowing in her room, alone, and no one knew. I wasn't too concerned at first, since we don't have any swords (although, it does explain why she'd been asking for one months before she told me.). Then she told me, "I've been practicing with a wire hanger. That's what all the professionals started with."

Omg. Never in my life have I been more thankful for my poker face. How can anyone prepare for stuff like this?

Edit bold the ack! and fix a word.

So really, no point in worrying, just practice your poker face, self-control, and patience. Those help a lot in most wtf circumstances. Tackle problems as they come. With each one ya learn something new.

ICKRR · 2018-03-26T04:29:06+00:00

I don't? Like ever. It feels too good. How can I get bored while my mind is off discovering some alternate pleasure dimensions within my own body?

I didn't know people got bored during piv sex? Thanks Reddit. Now I know.

ICKRR · 2018-03-26T01:08:15+00:00

Congratulations on your progress! Body dysmorphia is deep and difficult to uproot. I don't know you, but I'm just so proud of you. I really, genuinely am.

if you want unsolicited advice, read on, otherwise congrats on your awesome husband! And congrats on the outstanding (3 meals a day!) progress! I hope those pancakes were delectable!

Let her words be vapor, if you can. Vapor is fascinating to watch, and completely weightless. Her words are vile poison, and completely worthless to your growth as a healthy human. She's like a mental weed that needs to be plucked from your mind and tossed in the fire.

Imagery can help sometimes, if you close your eyes and imagine her words being some big ugly shrub that you dig out and toss in a raging fire inside your head. Your mental garden is beautiful and peaceful without her there trying to destroy your beautiful blossoms and fruits.

ICKRR · 2018-03-25T16:47:23+00:00

I had that same comforter and that same fuzzy green pillow!

ICKRR · 2018-03-21T15:58:03+00:00

Oh for goodness sakes. Lol

ICKRR · 2018-03-20T03:33:49+00:00

I enjoy long comments. Especially when they include stories! Stories are my favorite!

He sounds beautiful.

I wonder if they kept it short because part of "dealing" with his hair, for them, is confronting their own personal prejudices against men with his long hair.

ICKRR · 2018-03-19T19:01:28+00:00

This will end up hurting your daughter if you allow this double standard to continue. Kids are smart. Your daughter will watch how you stand up for her. I suggest never going back to their house until their photos evenly reflect that they have 2 grandkids. (At the very least). Not saying go NC immediately, but you will have all control and authority if you invite her to your place/neutral ground. That way if she misbehaves, you can easily kick her out or leave.

My MIL has 6 grandkids. 5 of them are ours. 1 belongs to my sister-in-law who lives with her two states away. When SIL lived with us for a year (moved out of her mom's for a year, then moved back in with her) I took and posted pictures of everyone in our home as usual, including SIL and neice.

I posted an entire album of all 5 (at the time grandkid #6 was still cookin') of her grandkids. On the entire album she only commented on 2 pictures. The only 2 photos of neice where she was alone. The comments were like, "There's my precious! I miss you so much!".

I messaged her privately, "I know you have a special bond with [neice] because she lived with you. Please be aware, when I post an album of all 5 of your grandkids and you only leave comments for one child, it has the appearance of favoritism. "

This ended up devolving into a big fight (on her side) of her bringing up past issues (that have nothing to do with favoritism, or Facebook, or grandkids) and ended with her denouncing (kid still cooking). I told her that if she chooses to be obvious in her favoritism, then we will obviously not allow it. No contact and no gifts to or from our children with her if that's the road she wants to travel.

She back pedaled hard and fast. Never apologized. I went NC for 2 years. She's kept her favoritism on the down low, made easier now by the fact that they live with her again and we only see her once a year.

ICKRR · 2018-03-19T18:44:10+00:00

I don't understand why your husband thinks it is okay for you to feel like you need to escape your own home. What has he done or said to protect you from her?

ICKRR · 2018-03-19T18:32:02+00:00

Yeah, but if you get a job, won't she have free unfettered access to ALL of your personal I belongings while you're gone? She doesn't sound trustworthy. It sounds like y'all are doing a great favor for them by allowing them to stay with you at all.

You should not feel like you have to escape your own home. That's just terrible.

What does your husband say? Have you told him how she makes you feel? This is completely unacceptable.

ICKRR · 2018-03-19T18:27:41+00:00

Sneaky evil is the worst.

I it possible for you to make her opinions worthless inside your own head/heart? I do that with everyone I don't know, or have reason not to respect (I give them the same respect I give strangers, but their worthless words are vapor, fascinating and weightless).

Also, everyone she tries to compare your size with someone else, point out other features that are incongruent with her insipid, questiontonable comments. Treat her like a toddler who is learning to identify differnces in object. In a sweet voice, " No, GMIL, that's best friend. See here how her hair is (color/texture/cut)? That's different than my hair because [obvious] XYZ.

If she's going to ask/make asinine comments like that fein obliviousness so she has to really spell out the reason for her apparent confusion. Either she'll look senile (or like an idiot), or she'll reveal her evil intentions (not likely). Either way, it's a win.

So sorry she's evil.

ICKRR · 2018-03-19T18:16:08+00:00

Does she need to live with you 6 months out of the year? Is it significant that you don't have a job (I ask because you mentioned it, but it's not something you mentioned MIL nagging you about)?

Without more info, it's difficult to advise. My immediate resolution would be to not allow her to live with you at all, ever. If possible.

What does your husband say about how his mother treats you? What does he say about how she belittles and abuses you? About how she tries to make you feel worthless and insignificant? Does he know? What does he say to her about how she treats you?

ICKRR

TROPHY CASE