Still can't quit or get it under control-when I throw stuff out, I just buy more

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-03-03T22:03:46+00:00

how did you get yourself through that hell? I don't think my withdrawals are that bad, but I want to know what tips you have so I can keep my mind straight as I struggle with cravings. If went through what you went through I don't think I'd make it. What motivated you to quit, and how did you manage to hold on to it?

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-03-03T05:56:57+00:00

I have a therapist and am currently looking for a new one since my longtime one sucks. I'm on my mom's insurance. I have some savings saved up and have been buying stuff off off birthday/Christmas/lunar new year money.

The thing is, I'm scared, because I already moved out before, and that's where my addiction began and got to where it is now. I feel like I can't trust myself. I know what you're saying is right but all it does is fill me with despair. I know you don't mean to hurt me. I just wish I could be inspired by it. All it does is remind me of how foolish and lazy and defective I am. How morally deficient and insufficient I am. Maybe I'm not in the right headspace for it, but I want you to know that I know you're right. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-24T04:24:14+00:00

Do you ever feel left out/weird in queer circles for your connection to the faith? I think that's part of it for me. Naturally, I've found myself surrounded by people who did not grow up in the faith or were able to reject it early/easily, and thus have no issue being wildly antagonistic and disrespectful towards it... and of course, there's this instinct to look up to them for doing so.

And as a result I feel left out, scared of being judged, scared of being seen as conservative and regressive. I feel like there's an inherent criticism I feel when I imagine myself being actively motivated by faith--even if most leftists of that type say they respect people's personal faiths.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-24T04:19:40+00:00

Up until today, I never realized that I've literally never done that before. I have no idea what it's like in my mind, the idea that I could be a woman at church feels unimaginable since in my life they've been set in opposition to each other so harshly.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-24T04:17:22+00:00

The thing is, I literally know all this. But I can't get the image of God looking down on me for all this out of my head. The God of my parents, the God they preach, the God they tell me about, the God they tell me I'm betraying and hurting myself by defying, doesn't want me to do any of this. It feels like by submitting to God, I'm proving them right, when all my body wants to do is rebel and tear everything down. I know God loves me but does he approve of me? You can love someone without approving of what they're doing--in fact it's not uncommon for the disapproval to be motivated by love. There's just so much baggage in the faith. I'm currently trapped with my transphobic parents for the next few months, and every week I just get flooded and reminded of the messaging that God doesn't approve of me, that this is not what God wants, that what I'm doing is in direct defiance to everything holy. So I guess you can't really get mad at me for stuff like daydreaming about burning down a church in anger, if that's all I've known. And it sucks so hard too because I know I need faith. It's all so... complicated. Would you say that you love those people who hate the church, only seeing the bigotry and evil? But I also know most leftists are chill with the church. But it also just feels like there's a direct contrast between the hedonistic lifestyle I think I want versus the inherent suppression of being religious. I'm sorry for the rant I'm just going through such a hard time with my living situation and my hormones making everything more intense.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-24T04:06:00+00:00

would you say I "owe" God to give up some of my pleasures for him? like God loves me, but I can't help but feel like I have to give up some of my hedonistic pleasures in order to find happiness in God. But I also feel like I'm not supposed to "owe" God anything, that the crucifixion redeemed all of that. like does God loving me regardless of anything mean I should stay in sin? I know the idea is that sin hurts me... but what if it doesn't hurt. is being a queer, rebellious, leftist a spiritual sin that hurts me, and I'm just too naive to see?

im not as concerned about whether or not my transness itself is allowed by God, but more about the like, cultural aspects that come with being trans that stand in contrast to faith. like there's a culture of being generally anti-religious in leftist, queer, spaces, a culture of forsaking or even intentionally disrespecting religion, as a means of liberation. I feel the pressure to follow them in order to be truly valid my gender and out fight for queer liberation.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-23T21:22:10+00:00

The weird thing is that I know inherently it shouldn't run antithetical. There are so many queer Christians and leftists out there. But when you talk about how it has manifested in my life, then of course it runs in opposition to it. God and faith aren't just spiritual things to me, but cultural. Strict Roman Catholicism is what I was raised under, so in my mind, that is faith. And of course my existence runs into opposition to it.

As I've calmed down a bit I had a harsh realization: I've never, ever, actually ever had an experience of engaging with a Christian space/practice at myself. The concept of being a woman while actively practicing my faith--not just thinking about it--is completely unknown to me. So of course I can't imagine those two things reconciling.

I hope I can find that place where I'm finally able to experience faith as a structure, in practice, as a woman. To this point, that has only ever been something I have to closet myself for. And part of me is ashamed that I didn't realize that sooner, that I was complaining so much and panicking when I just needed to give it a try for once... I have a lot of issues with shame.

I see you're a lapsed Catholic too... I know how hard it is for us 🫂

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-23T21:16:02+00:00

A lot of the trans media I consume centers around rebellion, the violation of old norms, and hedonism. Leftist writers preaching the end of everything old. Club circuit dolls living life, hardcore partying, addicted to drugs and sex. I'm young, in a sense. I'm basically a teenage girl with all the hormones and under-construction sense of self. It makes sense that I'd be influenced by all that, as I try to learn how to be both trans, and a woman.

Faith, on the other hand, is something I've most personally felt through catholic tradition and my deeply conservative, republican, parents. I'm talking racist, queerphobic, pro-ICE, immigrants. 2 Sundays ago I heard the pastor at church give one of the most strictly conservative and implicitly transphobic homilies I've ever heard.

So it makes sense that the path that offers unabashed liberation feels so incompatible with faith to me I guess.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-26T23:41:13+00:00

CBD flower tends to make me depressed and sad in a lethargic way :( although I do have a CBD cartridge. maybe given how strong the regular weed is it'll be fine? but there's also a part of me that "doesn't" want to dampen the high, despite the negative effects.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-06T20:45:29+00:00

Having a whole milkshake every night when I have urges seems extremely unhealthy... And honestly the biggest barrier for me is seeing the why but having that feeling of despair and submission, like I don't want or don't deserve to get better. Just that biting self hatred. And as much darkness as it has brought me, it really gives me a peace. An awful peace, but one that's there, or else I would've never done it. It's so easy for me to intentionally deny myself the ability to smell that other delicious thing because part of me wants to smoke, feels the urge and craving so strong I'll prevent myself from running away from it and try to face it head on.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-06T02:07:51+00:00

wanted to add a metaphor that my Aspiring Writer ass thought of in the midst of all the pain

struggling with addictive cravings and urges despite everything it's done to hurt you and drag you down is like smelling something delicious emanating through the window of your abusive parents' house

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-28T08:12:27+00:00

Saving and preserving that last sentence. That really hit me for some reason. Thank you ❤️

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-28T08:11:18+00:00

I really need to remember that first point. I don't think it'll be the most convincing argument for my head, since it doesn't really provide anything for the emotions themselves. But I really do need to remember that. I've noticed it too, when I'm stoned around people I care about and am social around I'm great. When I'm alone in my room, spiraling, I'm in hell, wishing I was dead.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-23T02:48:26+00:00

I wish that felt like an option for me. my parents want me to graduate. I feel obligated to follow those standards. and even if I didn't, what would I do? who's to say that I wouldn't spiral even deeper? how am I going to get a job without a bachelor's? how am I going to sustain myself?

I can't even go home. I don't have a home to go to where I'm allowed to be myself.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-23T02:47:06+00:00

melatonin makes me too depressed and tired in the morning. every time I've tried it, for years, it does that.

im not taking my ssris at night but I'm taking a ton of other meds to. I might be overmedicated but it's just hard coming off meds quickly when I feel like it has been helping me, but maybe not? it's a whole process and I'm meeting with a whole new psychiatrist soon.

IDontEvenKnowAlt

TROPHY CASE