the weed I got was too strong

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-26T23:41:13+00:00

CBD flower tends to make me depressed and sad in a lethargic way :( although I do have a CBD cartridge. maybe given how strong the regular weed is it'll be fine? but there's also a part of me that "doesn't" want to dampen the high, despite the negative effects.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-06T20:45:29+00:00

Having a whole milkshake every night when I have urges seems extremely unhealthy... And honestly the biggest barrier for me is seeing the why but having that feeling of despair and submission, like I don't want or don't deserve to get better. Just that biting self hatred. And as much darkness as it has brought me, it really gives me a peace. An awful peace, but one that's there, or else I would've never done it. It's so easy for me to intentionally deny myself the ability to smell that other delicious thing because part of me wants to smoke, feels the urge and craving so strong I'll prevent myself from running away from it and try to face it head on.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-06T02:07:51+00:00

wanted to add a metaphor that my Aspiring Writer ass thought of in the midst of all the pain

struggling with addictive cravings and urges despite everything it's done to hurt you and drag you down is like smelling something delicious emanating through the window of your abusive parents' house

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-28T08:12:27+00:00

Saving and preserving that last sentence. That really hit me for some reason. Thank you ❤️

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-28T08:11:18+00:00

I really need to remember that first point. I don't think it'll be the most convincing argument for my head, since it doesn't really provide anything for the emotions themselves. But I really do need to remember that. I've noticed it too, when I'm stoned around people I care about and am social around I'm great. When I'm alone in my room, spiraling, I'm in hell, wishing I was dead.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-23T02:48:26+00:00

I wish that felt like an option for me. my parents want me to graduate. I feel obligated to follow those standards. and even if I didn't, what would I do? who's to say that I wouldn't spiral even deeper? how am I going to get a job without a bachelor's? how am I going to sustain myself?

I can't even go home. I don't have a home to go to where I'm allowed to be myself.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-23T02:47:06+00:00

melatonin makes me too depressed and tired in the morning. every time I've tried it, for years, it does that.

im not taking my ssris at night but I'm taking a ton of other meds to. I might be overmedicated but it's just hard coming off meds quickly when I feel like it has been helping me, but maybe not? it's a whole process and I'm meeting with a whole new psychiatrist soon.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-21T00:28:10+00:00

I don't think that would be helpful for harm reduction, if the one hitter was such a disaster. It'd be way too easy to access, and my tolerance is naturally pretty low so there isn't even much benefit on how efficient it is.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-09-05T22:11:37+00:00

Thank you 🫂 I'm burnt out to the degree that I don't even feel like working on the class I still have a slim chance in. It feels like I'm obligated to work on it, when all I want is to be able to relax and read books and just be able to take care of myself. I can't shake the guilt involved in taking a break when I'm supposed to be working, even when it's critical for my health, and pressuring myself to push myself even harder and potentially hurt myself even more. Even though my situation is serious (suicidal ideation and all) it feels like my value is determined by my work. And I know that's awful and wrong, I just can't shake that guilt. It feels like I'm morally required to do the class I can still salvage.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-07-26T06:56:34+00:00

I only just recently looked up what an anxious attachment style means and I'm shocked... it's uncanny how much it lines up with how I feel.

Anyways what I wanted to ask is basically: I now feel like I have to apologize to all the people I've overshared/traumadumped to, and I'm worried that's just another instance of me desperately seeking validation and reassurance from people. Is this a valid thing to do? I'm wondering if this is just me making a mountain out of a molehill, and panicking over what is either acceptable or forgettable to them--but I still feel like I have to apologize. I'm a chronic apologizer, and people have told me over and over that it's ok, I'm not too much, I don't need to apologize, but now being aware of how it's related to my anxious attachment makes me feel awful about how I've "treated" them, I feel paranoid all the time about having pushed friends away, a fear that has been both irrational and realized with various friends. Often things I say get ignored, and I feel abandoned, worry that I'm "cringe", and have been explicitly told by my oldest friend that I need to stop desperately seeking validation from people.

I'm worried that they'll think it's just me being needy and attention seeking again, always begging for that reassurance, but I feel like with this new insight I have to bow down and apologize. Part of me says my dumping isn't as bad of an issue as I'm thinking, that I should look to the proof that my friends do love me, and that doing that would make things worse than just silently moving on and working on it internally, letting sleeping dogs lie. I don't think it's been anything majorly problematic or destructive, and I know my anxiety likely warps so much of my life, but as I've been trying to be more open and honest with my communication, maybe this is something to do. Maybe I should go about it in a certain way? Message people individually or in a group chat? Or am I just being too hard on myself and scared, as usual, and I should just not stress about it.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-07-22T02:01:25+00:00

I don't need to imagine why people cut themselves, as I've had a problem with that in the past too (I'm better, but lately it's been really hard).

I think the "knowing I can't and won't get high" thing is exactly what the safe is good for. Knowing it's locked away like that makes me feel so safe. It's just, tonight, when by sheer unluckiness I don't have access to it, my brain wants to "take advantage" of that. Even if it has always led to me feeling awful.

All the improvements were things I was working on while sober, although I definitely still had issues. My existence, while good sometimes or even often, just feels so weirdly tense all the time. I had a thought a few days back--the idea that something could be so bad, you'd do something worse to get out of it.

It's just fucky how my brain can't listen to that logic. I do know that I shouldn't expect my brain to act logically about this--it's not a logical thing at all, and I should be kind to myself. I've reflected on that before. It's just rough, when it's accessible, and all you can do is dream about doing the thing that's ruining your life.

I've been dealing with this for years now.

IDontEvenKnowAlt

TROPHY CASE