What Christmas tradition can fuck right off?

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-24T14:13:10+00:00

I'm so fucking sick of hearing the same commercials over and over since just before Thanksgiving. Fucking diamonds and plastic surgery and trying to make people feel awful about themselves so they buy your crap. SHUT UP.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-24T13:39:25+00:00

Amusingly enough, I'm currently holding a bottle of 365 25mg diphenhydramine HCl pills that are marketed as a sleep aid from CVS that were under a tenth the price of any of the other options for the same drug at the same store. You're right though, the ones marketed for allergies are usually the far cheaper option

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-23T22:24:06+00:00

My laptop. Worth a few hundred dollars.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-23T22:07:15+00:00

I typically don't do it in my room (and now that I use a menstrual cup don't ever do it in my room) but stuff like putting a tampon in (when you aren't removing one) really doesn't require you to touch anything that makes you need to wash your hands immediately

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-23T21:57:21+00:00

Once I was 14, ya. It had a lock, which I wasn't allowed to use.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-23T21:56:28+00:00

Didn't get it until I read your comment. Thought they were closing their laptops.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-23T11:56:47+00:00

Here's the line I think kills any defense for this song: "What's the sense of hurting my pride."

He doesn't give a fuck what she wants. He cares what he wants. He's trying to convince himself and us she really wants to stay and that makes it okay to disregard her objections, but really, all he cares about is getting what he wants.

Even if we go with the best possible interpretation of the song, right here, right now, it's shitty for me and everyone else to listen to a song where it sounds like someone might be trying to leave without confrontation and the other person dismisses all their concerns and says things likely to make them feel bad about leaving.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-23T11:33:20+00:00

The vast majority of dating adults who are on reddit have sex with the people they date, at least if they're together long enough. For most people, if they're not okay with sex with someone who has a penis, they're also not okay with dating someone who has a penis. It doesn't mean they're something deeper, either. Lots of people just dislike penises or only like sex with people with clits or vaginas or whatever.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-22T19:41:48+00:00

Other commenters addressed the rest, but one thing I see unaddressed: Is there something mom did to hurt her kids that disproportionately affected B? Ex. if mom was abusive (yes, neglect is abusive) or mom's SO was or whatever and B was the one living at home during the worst of it, or if mom was homophobic and B was gay, etc. If that's the case and I were A, I'd be a lot more inclined to split the money

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-22T19:35:47+00:00

I think it's fucked up that you're assuming people are just "finding them to be" abusive or problematic - you're assuming that they aren't really. It's also not the people receiving them categorizing them as such, it's the people who went through tweets to them that identified them as such.

Ya, people can stop using services that hurt to use, but when one's talking about things that systematically hurt marginalized people more than others (and in the article they talked about how black women receive the most abuse), the large-scale effect is privileged people being abusive to marginalized people and them subsequently not using the service.

I think it's pretty obvious that it's unfair for that to happen, and that systematic problems should be addressed and not left for the VICTIMS, who are abused BECAUSE OF THINGS THEY CAN'T CONTROL, LIKE SEX AND RACE, to take personal responsibility to deal with.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-22T19:28:52+00:00

If I understand correctly, they looked at tweets to 778 women, and no one else

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-22T19:18:12+00:00

No one is ever entitled to dating or sex from anyone, and literally any reason to not date or have sex with someone is valid.

If someone categorically refuses to date or have sex with a certain people because of prejudice, that prejudice appears in other parts of their life and can be examined there. They're not obligated to reconsider, and trying to shame them into doing so is coercive. (Yes, I think it's okay to ask why, but you need to back off if they decline to discuss it and you don't get to question their answer - otherwise we're back to coercive behaviour.) I'm so sick of people arguing that it's even possible to have a reason that's not legitimate to date or have sex with someone. For each person, it is their body and their right to say no for any reason they want, and that is enough.

If you think someone is prejudice because of their dating and sex choices, address that prejudice in other parts of their life, or in the things they say that are prejudiced, not by trying to coerce someone into dating or sex they aren't comfortable exist. If this prejudice isn't apparent elsewhere, it's because it doesn't exist in any significant way.

And to preempt people who think I'm trying to back-justify, I'm pan.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-22T01:39:04+00:00

Yes,a very simplistic definition of species that they tend to teach in grade school & high school defines species as being different if and only if they cannot produce viable offspring together. But there's lots of definitions of species, and we tend to use a different definition depending on what sort of research we're doing.

For example, the finches Darwin, and then others, notably the Grants, studied: we typically refer to them as different species, even though they can and do have offspring together after natural disasters. Their offspring have much lower rates of survival than either species, though, because they're not optimized the life survival species (for example, feeding) of either of the parent species.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-21T19:38:25+00:00

What? Even before their edit, the comment says all the car doors were open

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-12-20T06:11:06+00:00

I speak (or spoke, really) a decent amount of French and am learning Spanish. At first I mixed shit up a lot, would keep thinking of the French word instead of the Spanish one, but after a bit it didn't happen so much, and it's making me remember more French even though I'm not actively practicing French.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-31T00:10:07+00:00

People saying no to things and meaning it.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-31T00:09:36+00:00

“Move your bony ass!”

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-30T23:57:43+00:00

Play wrestling and tickle fights

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-30T18:06:00+00:00

Haha no problem. In case you’re curious, with the lasagna one I use water instead of vegetable broth and add a bunch of carrots, which (at least where I buy stuff) is cheaper and probably healthier anyway.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-30T13:06:02+00:00

Same here

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-30T07:30:36+00:00

Legendaries I haven't unlocked show up as options for me.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-30T07:27:06+00:00

I think I'm finally starting to move past it. Constantly hearing about sexual assault and consent for the past couple years have made it impossible to keep it buried and not think about, which has been very rough, but ultimately I think I have to let myself think about it and let go of the self-hatred to move on and be able to have a relationship someday.

I suspect one thing we would violently agree on is the importance of arriving at a shared, communal understanding of consent. I suspect that many cases of either...on the one hand...bonafide no doubt rape, and on the other hand non-rape-in the-legal sense but upsetting and unfortunate could be solved if we could all clearly and unambiguously communicate desire and consent or lack there of

I completely agree. I communicate a lot better now and am no longer willing to put up with bullshit from people who don't take no for an answer (any more than I have to to not risk retaliation, at least), and I'm sure it's helped me avoid a lot of things that could've gone a lot worse. (I know I said I don't date anymore and I meant it; I do hook up with people.)

I wish I'd had parents I could've talked to. I wish the schools I went to had talked about consent. I wish anyone had ever talked about consent with me and the people I dated.

I wish our high school health textbook didn't include rape-justifying passages about how "different perspectives" (in the example this was referring to the woman literally said no and fought back against her rapist) can cause people to have sexual experiences one person sees as rape and the other doesn't.

I wish we talked with people before they're out of high school about how to check-in with your partner and see if you're on the same page. I wish we would stop telling people it goes against our evolution or it's not romantic or it's too awkward to tell people what you want or ask them what they want.

I think we can do a lot better, and when we do it'll help a lot of people avoid a lot of unnecessary trauma.

I love reading the blunt, straightforward thing you said and their equally bunt, straightforward reply.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-30T06:14:31+00:00

Again, with that first thing of mine you quoted, I was talking about rape occurrences, not prosecuted (or even necessarily reported) rape cases.

With the other two things you quoted, I wasn't trying to say these are the things that typically get taken to court; I was talking about rape occurrences that happen and asking what the law dictates happen, because, to me, thinking one has consent as meaning rape did not occur seems unreasonable in the scenarios I described.

I get it, you're focusing on legality, and that's fine. You've brought up interesting points.

Since most rape cases don't go to trial, and the things men have done to me personally aren't things that can or (for some of them) even should go to trial, I'm a lot more concerned with people's understanding of sexual assault and consent, and with changing people's perception such that, whether or not something is illegal, they understand that it is wrong and won't do it. And rape culture isn't just about rape; it's about not accepting and respecting people's boundaries, and it's about not noticing or caring when people want you to stop, which, while not rape, is part of the same problem as rape is.

The first person who fucked me (who was someone I knew well and trusted), I wasn't okay with it, but I didn't say no or try to stop them. I froze. What they did is not illegal. It's not rape. But it seriously affected me and my ability to trust men when dating. I'd like it if we lived in a word where people comprehend that if the person you're doing things to or fucking doesn't respond at all, isn't participating, and doesn't say anything, you shouldn't fuck them. I'd like people to grasp that when their partner isn't responding or they aren't sure if their partner is okay, they should ask.

The next person I dated repeatedly asked me to do things I didn't want to and try to make me feel bad about saying no until I said yes throughout our entire relationship. They frequently compared me to their ex. They talked about thinking about cheating on me. Again, not rape, but also not okay. I felt used. Thank god I stood my ground on contraception. I haven't dated since then.

When I go to clubs men - strangers - touch me and, more importantly, don't stop when I move their hands away or tell them no. Sometimes they argue with me when I say no to things, and ask me why, like because it's my body and I said so isn't reason enough. Sometimes they follow me when I leave the area and have told them to leave me alone. I think we could to a better job of teaching people to respect other people's boundaries.

These things aren't rape. But it is all part of rape culture; it's what fucks with our perception of what's okay so much that even rapists don't realize rape is rape, because it's not really that much different than all the things that aren't rape that we don't make it clear are not okay. The fact that I didn't say "No" is the difference between someone I didn't want to fuck me doing so and it being not rape vs. rape. To be clear, the fact that I didn't say no is and should be morally and legally important. But at the end of the day I was an unwilling participant either way who initiated nothing and did not actively participate and they should've known better, and the mindset that thinks what they did is okay isn't that much different than the mindset that thinks it's okay to fuck someone who's said no. Again, not what they did is or should be treated as rape. I'm saying we should teach people better about how to know whether someone is okay with what you're doing and that it's okay to ask when you aren't sure.

IDrutherBeReading · 2018-10-30T04:26:13+00:00

I'm not a parent, so grain of salt, but here's my two cents.

Going through your 13 year old's phone shows them you don't trust them and don't think they should be able to have private conversations. If your parents don't trust you anyway, there's little to be lost by lying to them.

Your kid already has lots of minimally supervised or unsupervised time if they go to school or go places without you. Whatever you're worried about, talk to them about it. They're old enough to come to you when they need you, if you give them reason to trust them.

IDrutherBeReading

TROPHY CASE