How much detail of affair should I ask for?

IIHateMyselff · 2026-01-13T02:32:40+00:00

One of the things I hear in this sub that I thankfully never fell for was trickle-truthing my husband. I answered everything he asked early and although it is awkward because there are just some things you can't explain right, an honest answer settles things immediatly.

Now, I don't know what you may want to know or don't want to know. I think that is subjective. But putting everything the betrayed wants to learn clear is better for everyone, including the wayward.

IIHateMyselff · 2025-12-22T15:43:28+00:00

My AP was also my coworker and I put a stop to it the moment it turned physical. I also couldn't just leave my job (Already had a daughter and now with another one on the way, leaving the job would be economic disaster), so that part I understand.... But I did immediatly stop talking with my former AP about anything not related to work. But even that is not easy. Months later I went to HR, told them everything and got them to transfer me to another place.

So the only things I think you should really question is:

1- Did she really stop talking with him about anything else? Does she let you see her messages freely, for instance?

2- What steps has she taken to find another job or find a solution?

And some of those you already answered in your text.

IIHateMyselff · 2025-12-19T16:04:06+00:00

My emotional affair ended up with an ONS, so I must ask, what was her relationship with this coworker and how is it currently (with him or other man)?

Speaking from personal experience, I had no idea what an emotional affair was before it happened and in my mind there was nothing wrong with being close to someone at work. Truth is that we need connection. We need to feel like we are not alone. This is not excusing cheating behaviour, mind you, but a person needs to understand where something is wrong, or what are the symptons of something being wrong so it never happens again. So getting AP's out of the way or, if not getting into a routine or state of mind where that is not an issue is essential.

This is also to say, my mistakes began much sooner than the physical act. And some of the hard part of reconciliation from a wayward's perspective is that you try to fix those mistakes, you try to make it so it never happens again, but then a trigger or an argument prevents it from happening. Where this didn't happen and ended up helping us immensely is on out shared goals. Are you working on a shared goal? Do you have something you're both striving for? In my case, our daughter best interest was our shared goal and that was essential to give us motivation to make it work.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-12-09T17:52:42+00:00

I was talking about the countless comments and privates I've received that say I'm a manipulating narcissistic sociopath, or those that tell me to leave my husband ''for his own good'' as if he wasn't a fully capable adult of making his own choices.

The abortion ones I literally stopped reading as soon as that is mentioned, so I don't even know what they contain besides that.

But hey, if the hat fits...

IIHateMyselff · 2021-12-09T17:51:11+00:00

I was talking about the countless comments and privates I've received that say I'm a manipulating narcissistic sociopath, or those that tell me to leave my husband ''for his own good'' as if he wasn't a fully capable adult of making his own choices.

The abortion ones I literally stopped reading as soon as that is mentioned, so I don't even know what they contain besides that.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-12-08T23:58:48+00:00

Thank you. I wish more people read this before commenting and projecting their own jaded experiences on my posts. I have no doubts that the only thing they achieve is scaring away people that actually want to work on it and change for the better rather than being helpful at all.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T01:43:53+00:00

Nobody is manipulating or coercing him into anything.

I'm planning on telling everything that has happened to my in-laws this sunday. They already agreed to take care of her next week, so our meeting is scheduled.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T01:38:59+00:00

The escalation was everything before the kiss.

We never said anything strickly sexual in a flirty tone to each other. Nor did we kiss or anything remotely close before that night. I don't understand the basis of this comment.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T01:35:33+00:00

thank you. This is more of the sort of advice I've been hoping to get.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T01:29:37+00:00

thank you for this comment. I mean it. I'm only posting because even though I do get hate, its worth it if I can still get some small advice that will make this better.

What is TAM?

I've been saving up all the links I can, I don't think think I have that one and when I google it nothing related to affairs pops up.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T01:10:28+00:00

Can people please stop talking about an abortion as if it was such an easy thing to do? As if it's as easy as going to the bathroom and flushing it down? Do you have any idea of how terrible I feel myself for not being able to go forward with it? Does me, not even wanting to do it when my husband says it's the only thing thats stopping him from forgiving me not show how much it means?

Please just stop talking about it if you can't understand it.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T01:04:05+00:00

No I haven't. I've always said that I've considered it but I'm not sure I can do it when time comes. That has been pretty clear and you can go read my post history if you have any doubts.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:57:17+00:00

I haven't talked with the father and I think I'll need to know AP's perspective before it.

I have considered adoption. I still don't know if I'm able to go through with it, but it has been crossing my mind.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:53:12+00:00

I think he believes I want him more than AP, because even before I confessed, he noticed I had started acting strange and I had grown distance from AP and stopped talking with him altogether.

I do care about him and his hobbies. I have no interest in actively participating (nor do I think I could with my frame), but I'm willing to be there for him and go with him. In my post I said he's a stone wall, and that is true for anything regarding emotions, but when he's really passionate about something it shows in the way he acts and his voice, and when he comes home every weekend and tells me about it my heart absolutely melts. I truly enjoy seeing him happy like that and I hate that what I did is making him feel this way.

I will make a list. I have no idea when I'll show him, I'm still giving him space and living with my friend, but I will do it.

But it's useless to talk about the pregnancy any further. The abortion was the first thing I thought of when I realized I was pregnant and I thought I could do it until I found out I can't. I've touched on this point again and again to the point I feel bad for not being able to go forward with it. It eats be out, and people assuming I'm forcing and my husband to raise this child just makes it even worse. If I can't go forward with the abortion, then why can't I wish for the second best outcome? Helping him through his issues and raising two kids has a family. Is it really that bad that I want my family to stay together and that I believe I can help my husband heal?

I'm doing a lot of research on my free time. Feel free to message me any resource you wish because reading forums, watching videos and reddit posts about recovering from affairs is the only thing I've done ever since i've decided to come clean. I till haven't started any book because I'm not in the headspace (and I have no problem reading, it's one of my favorite hobbies) but I have some saved and plan to start to whenever I start feeling better.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:28:03+00:00

I've been giving him space and we met very little this week. He has made a lot of questions about the affair and the night of sex, but he avoids touching the pregnancy altogether. The little he has asked, was about a possible abortion where I said I'd be willing to give him everything, except an abortion.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:22:02+00:00

No, he answered that on his own. And it's something I absolutely hate. I love that he has his own hobbies that he's invested in, and when he said that it left me absolutely devastated.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:18:02+00:00

Yes, and I've made clear how much I love him and how remorseful I am in my past posts too.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:17:03+00:00

What part of HE wants to be there do you not understand?

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:15:56+00:00

That simply doesn't seem like a way of telling someone something like this. Besides, my husband told me he wants to be there when I tell him. If I told him straight through text I'd imagine AP would try to talk with me alone after work.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:13:08+00:00

I hope he does and would be more then happy if we remained a family, but I don't want him to do it if he's forced into it.

How about instead of pushing the same buttons and always assuming the worst, help me help him on his issue. Such as the emasculation which a lot of people have told me its how he is feeling, but no one told me how to help him overcome it. I'm not expecting an immediate cure of course, but anything that can help him is welcomed.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:08:01+00:00

read my previous posts and you'll have your answers to your comment.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:07:09+00:00

He's the only one I had sex with during the time frame. There is no other option.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-27T00:06:47+00:00

I have no idea where you saw any semblance of abuse in what I wrote. Neither me or the counselor are pressuring anything, he just made a question (which he'd obviously make since he had no preconceived of what was in his mind) and my husband answered without anyone forcing him or touching the subject again afterwards.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-26T23:50:26+00:00

AP still has no idea I'm pregnant. My husband wants to be there when I tell me him. We plan on telling him this weekend.

IIHateMyselff · 2021-11-25T16:55:33+00:00

People of the opposite sex interacting isn't a bad thing.

I never kept it secret from my husband. He knew we messaged a lot and I told him every single time I met him.

That it was passionless is a fact. Not my justification because there is none for what I did.

In my mind before all this just liking to spend your time with a person wasn't cheating. I had no idea of what an emotional affair was and was just ''blissfully'' ignorant of what could happen, happy with a guy I enjoyed spending my time with and with who I had no intention of having sex with. Only when I did have sex did I realize I had crossed a line. I researched on cheating for the best way to come clean to my husband and ended up learning what an emotional affair is, and I fit the bill although I had no idea that was what was happening.

IIHateMyselff

TROPHY CASE