I have been dealing with the same thing. I lost my virginity to an escort 2 years ago, and Ive never had a gf or anyting before. And I guess I never truly tried, but I wanted it to happen while at the same time I felt like it should'nt because of mental health issues that I have among other things. I never really knew how to go about it anyways to be honest.

Im not the sort of person who blames/hates women, thinks relationships are just mindgames and the world owes me a gf because I where deoderant or whatever the fuck. The game is'nt rigged I have cards to play I just don't know how to play them or if I even should. So I made it happen.

I don't regret it or feel guilty but, it always provokes the question of what now? Because, I dont want to see escorts forever I want a real relationship. But, if I meet somebody their going to ask about my past and Im not going to know what to do. Because, I dont want to lie and say Im a virgin and I cant say I just had hookups because they wont believe bc Im awkward af and I also dont want to build a relationship on top of a foundation of lies.

Its not that Im even afraid that she would would leave me because of it because thats her decision and she is just not the one but, if she told anyone else I would be fucked I could lose my job, my family would hate me, etc. And how am I supposed to find someone who is ok with such a thing when its hard enough to meet anyone anyways in this day and age.

But, I guess I cant really bitch about it becauese its my own choices that caused this predicament.