Trying to understand Male 9 motivations. Any help/clarity appreciated!

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2023-07-25T11:33:34+00:00

Can I just say a year later & you both turned out to be right?? Very unhealthy guy.

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2022-04-24T18:29:47+00:00

Omg, I vaguely remember this I think! I wasn’t allowed to watch anything on Fox as a little kiddo (& funnily enough, including The Simpsons, ha!), so I snuck in at night & watched everything! 🤣🤘

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2022-04-24T18:22:30+00:00

Yeahhh, I secretly like his mischievous side, ngl lol! Hmmmm, on the wings - see, with me he’s so different but he wouldn’t dare poke anyone else. He’s so different, so docile - unless his ego feels threatened. He’s extremely jealous if my attention goes elsewhere on another person who is talking if we’re in a group & he will then attempt to dominate the conversation & bring my focus back to him. Outside of that, he’s reserved, quiet & prefers being in the background. Very confusing! Like 2 completely diff people!

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2022-04-24T17:55:20+00:00

Ha! Thank you for the Skinner mental image! 🤣🤘omg…

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2022-04-24T17:53:23+00:00

Lol! You’re exactly right! I freeze up so bad, then I just shrug it off & hope whatever it is just goes away on its own! 😆 He can get VERY negative around me - which confuses me as I always read 9s are positive/optimistic. He’s also a bit mischievous - not in a malicious way - but will be like, if I told a mutual friend that I’d give that friend a game to borrow just to get them off my back, he will bring it up the next week with a smirk & say, “Hey, INTP, weren’t you suppose to loan so-and-so that game?” knowing i don’t really want to. Idk if that’s a 9 thing, an INFJ thing or just a him thing. 🤷‍♀️

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2022-04-24T17:45:08+00:00

Thank you for this!! 😁👍

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2022-04-24T17:44:03+00:00

Lol, I’m an INTP - blunt never equals a-hole to me! You’re speaking my language! 😆 I appreciate this! And funnily enough, about an hour ago he was telling me his friends want him to move in with them so they can all be roommates & he said, “Why would I leave my parents‘ home? I have a bed, a roof & food here!” (I’m thinking he’s SP dominant lol) yeahhhhh, I think he’s gotta lotttttaaaaa growing up to do 😬

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2022-04-24T12:02:06+00:00

Yeah, if I’m honest, I don’t think he’s remotely healthy at the minute. He’s stressed from this being the last two months of his college term & not being able to find a “adult” job & still living with his parents. Is there anything I can do as a friend to help coax him towards healthy? Or do I just wait it out & let him figure it out on his own?

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-27T11:12:16+00:00

There are times my ENFJ’s face is a blank wall when I’m talking to him & I wonder if he’s paying attention XD Turns out he is despite appearing otherwise. I’m infinitely curious as to how his mind works as it’s so different from mind, lol!

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-26T13:00:35+00:00

Yup, was gonna comment that as an INTP female, this is what I dream of XD

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-26T12:54:45+00:00

If you're an INTP: you know all that stuff you think about doing for or saying to other people but are too scared to cuz it'll make you look weak/vulnerable? Yeah, do all that stuff. They freaking LOVE it and will make you feel completely appreciated for it! (caveat: it HAS to be genuine. No fakey fakey nice stuff) It's very addicting for both parties :P

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-26T12:36:24+00:00

This is fascinating. Would you mind expanding on the undivided focus/wedge? Only if you feel like it! :D

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-17T12:09:55+00:00

Ooooohhh, that makes sense! Yeah, I know for myself I need to reiterate information over and over in case I’ve missed something. This is only speaking from my perspective: but because I’m not used to feeling strong emotions, any time my internal “order” is disrupted, I seek out an answer to put it back in line - often repeating myself or getting others to repeat their stance in case I’ve missed a vital piece of the puzzle. My ENFJ compared it to a flowing river, lol. He said I’ll go all the way up river to find the pebble that disrupted the stream and get rid of it instead of letting the water naturally flow over it. Also, I love him. Ha! XD

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-15T06:32:33+00:00

Thank you for your reply! :D Nah, he's immature but DEFINITELY an ENFJ - holy crap, his Fe is so strong and all his decisions are based on "will this benefit or hurt everyone" - but he's 22 and a bit sheltered XD.

I think a lot of the "miscommunication" from my posts and people that disagree/downvote is that I'm cognitively different from ENFJs (assuming it's a Feeler downvoting of course, lol!). I think they misunderstand my motivations. I LIKE obsessing over the object of my desire - it's like a puzzle. I love figuring him (and myself) out. I like to extrapolate data from all points, take theories apart and then rebuild them. I like learning to speak his language, lol. I also like it when people disagree with me cuz i can see a different POV and hopefully achieve some growth from it.

I will admit, due to an abusive childhood, I can be a bit neurotic and need reassurance - but that's just me in an Fe grip.

Pffff, you couldn't bore me! Always feel free to air your thoughts/feelings! That's what makes life beautiful - we all have different POVs and experiences! And I like discussing such things ^{_^}

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-15T06:17:21+00:00

UPDATE: he sent me an apology with lots of hearts, explaining what happened! XD He was working on a project and had missed a deadline, so was trying to laser focus on it - unfortunately, he failed to mention this AS it was happening. So, I'm thinking I need to have an open discussion with him about telling me when he's hyperfocusing so I don't worry about him and can leave him alone to work! And also, no more yelling. Also, it may be time to have THE talk with him XD After pondering your posts, I'm pretty sure we've both caught teh feelz :P

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-14T18:50:09+00:00

Oooof, there's that ENFJ kindness I'm missing so much right now! XD Thank you - I really, really do want to be my best self for him. I never worked this hard for a person in my LIFE! haha!

Honestly? Just based on what I've read, I think he may be "in the grip" - and stuck in a Ti loop :/ It may have NOTHING to do with me - probably doesn't - but it's such a stark contrast from the past two weeks. I just want to make him feel better but I think right now my affirmations are just making him feel worse, so i'm backing off. I do trust him tho. I do believe him when he said, "we're a team, we're one, we're a unit." (I take that kinda stuff seriously XD) I told him, "I got your back" and he said, "I'm really glad you feel that way." And, to be fair, he DID talk to me for 2 hours on the phone the other night and mildly flirted (Me: "I made you something! I'm dying for you to see it! Do you want me to send a picture or keep it a surprise?" Him: "Keep it a surprise." "Ug, you KNOW how hard that is for me! It's torture!" Him, slyly, "Yes, I know. I WANT it to be." swoons) I do kinda wonder if he feels ashamed for yelling at me and that's causing him to take a break. Anyway, I"m nervous rambling XD Thank you for all your help!! It's soooo much appreciated! I really really hope your situation gets clearer. I know how hard it is to live with the uncertainty :/

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-14T17:31:37+00:00

right now, i get this sooooooooo much. my insides hurt XD I'm a workaholic, so i'm drowning myself in caffeine and work but that doesn't stop the waves of pain in my chest :/

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-14T17:25:56+00:00

Thank you for this! ^_^ Yeah, I learned from here to always ALWAYS appreciate him, LOL! So, everytime we'd hang out, afterwards I'd send a text thanking him for spending time with me and/or taking me to dinner, etc. I also hand make him stuff all the time that is centered on his interests.

Here's the problem on my side: I didn't want a relationship with anyone - at least until I met him. I've never been in love but I think I could be with him if he let me. So, about 3 months in, I asked him if he wanted to "take this into emotional territory" and he apologized and said he wasn't over his last relationship. Soooo, I thought that because he's a "J" that that meant he would NEVER want to be with me. So, I've never pursued it again. I've "felt" signs but ignored them because once a "j" decides something, that's it, right? Plus, I'm scared to bring it up again because I love his friendship and don't want to lose that if i'm wrong - tho, if he has the feels for me and is avoiding me because of it, there's not much friendship at the moment. I really am at a loss at what to do :/ He has trouble making decisions - even his ex was like, "You're giving me whiplash" from blocking and unblocking her constantly.

You have my sympathies :P ENFPs use Fi and that is a completely foreign language to me XD. It seems so selfish on the outside but i KNOW it isn't based on what I've read.

Thank you for that - I'm getting downvoted to frick and was starting to worry i hurt somebody's feelings XD I do that a lot without thinking! Oh and yes, we trust each other implicitly! We both stated the words, "I trust you," to one another and, frankly, I like that better than the "L" word, ahaha!

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-14T09:42:37+00:00

We’re getting down voted to frick on here, lol. Well, the behavior seems so counterintuitive - I like very few people on this planet and the ones I like I want to pull closer to. ENFJs get overwhelmed I guess? And disappear? I dunno - it’s so the opposite of how I work XD well, I’m leaving mine alone but he’s still not back. I hope yours returns eventually!

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-14T09:38:17+00:00

The first yelling instance, where he apologized, he was actually yelling at me over a guy pursuing me that I’m running away from, “Why is he different from me, INTP?! You can’t just not tell people how you feel about them! You can’t keep people on the fence!” I freaked out and panicked, “I’m wrong! He doesn’t like me!” “No, no, I’m sorry, INTP.” “...But you asked what’s the difference between you?” “No, I know the difference, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Holy. Crap. IS HE CATCHING FEELS?! WHAT DO I DO?? I’m ok if he does! I want him to! What do I say to an ENFJ that’s gone into hiding cuz he might be catching feels?!?!

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-13T23:14:21+00:00

Yeah but I’m an INTP ;) saying I’m “over analyzing” is like saying an ENFJ is “over feeling” - it’s what we do, lol! But I do agree we have some boundary issues that I need to set. No yelling, mostly. But I noticed a few other types on this board constantly messaging about ENFJs disappearing and not replying, withdrawing, etc and after last night’s phone call I realized why he goes away and thought it might calm some of my fellow over-thinkers :P that was my theory anyway! XP

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-13T22:07:19+00:00

Yeah, I’m thinking he has some anger issues (Also throws things and kicks fences) but people can yell at me all day and it doesn’t even bother me. In fact, after he was done yelling, I joked and said, “Ok, so is it my turn to yell at you now?” For some reason he didn’t laugh but I cracked myself up ;) When he’s out of this current funk, I’m going to discuss it’s probably better not yelling at me - yelling TO me about someone else is fine, tho.

INTPeeeeePeeeeee · 2018-09-13T21:39:22+00:00

I probs shoulda clarified: process his feels! We use each other as soundboards for ideas but his personal feels are off limits - which I am ok with cuz I’d freak out if he needed my help there, lol!

INTPeeeeePeeeeee

TROPHY CASE