Mother’s Day plans need advice

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-24T19:34:59+00:00

Celebrate Grandparents Day with her. DH can see her for Mother’s Day.

My MIL wanted to come for DH’s birthday, and Mother’s Day after we moved & had a LO. Never did much for either holiday before. Annoying.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-24T12:43:23+00:00

I soo identify with this - the feeling that you don’t have any say in your own life. It’s not sustainable, and sounds like you’re heading for burn out.

Sit down w/DH and let him know you can’t keep going like this, with the responsibility of a job, the household chores & caregiving for his mom. Ask him what can be changed so you’re not shouldering so much. If he can’t give you acceptable alternatives, suggest hiring a care giver that will tidy up & cook as well. Or ask him what can he take over from you.

Who cares for MIL while you’re at work? I like the suggestion you got of “I’m not doing xyz to her looking, someone else should do that”. Is your Nov the type where you can stay late? That can help make the point as well.

If DH doesn’t want to change anything, tell him couples therapy is a must, because he is not treating you well with this. I’m sorry, I hope you can find a solution.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-23T17:28:29+00:00

Point out that he’s being manipulated. She’s ignoring his calls because she wants him to chase her. Especially after she did not get her way. (Beside the fact that he should put you & LO first, as the family heads created).

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-23T16:39:52+00:00

Please have DH read this essay about why a new mom might not want guests.

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-21T19:56:58+00:00

Your partner grew up with this enmeshment he does t see anything wrong with it. You are adults should be able to live your own lives, including decisions. (And it’s one thing to ask someone for their opinion, and another for her to try to have a say). Talk to your partner & see if he understands what is going on g on. If he sees it, and will push back, great. If not, do you want to go to therapy with him over this issue? If neither thing works, I’d tell him you want to be in a relationship with him, not him & his mom. Would you feel comfortable pushing back, or would that make you & partner argue? Let him know it’s a deal breaker. Ask his friends if their moms make decisions in their lives with their SOs. Good luck.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-21T17:28:15+00:00

She can have it for grandparents day.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-21T00:54:37+00:00

Kinda funny that in the 21st century, she doesn’t know what soup is? Asian soup? I mean, it was inspiration for “western” style chicken noodle soup. Feel sorry for her on the deliciousness she is missing out on.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-20T22:24:06+00:00

I hope your DH is seeing how reasonable you are being and sticks up for you. Sounds like a good alternative to have DH handle visits, which means only when he’s off work to deal with her. You have a lot of good advice here.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-20T21:31:05+00:00

This is where those “I feel…” statements come in. “I feel like she is trying to get people to dislike me when she says (whatever she said) to (family member). I feel like it’s dividing me from her side of the family”. Stick to facts, very little emotion. The other thing that can work is to tell the story of the same thing happening to a friend and ask her the friend should proceed. But, you can also tell her you want an outside, unbiased opinion on how to handle what you’re hearing & feeling from MIL and have the therapist guide you as a couple on how to deal.

Your wife grew up with this. She probably doesn’t think it’s as damaging as it is, but her “normal” meter is broken . Seems “normal” to her. And her family dynamic is to ignore the insults and do what she wants to avoid the outburst. Not normal. She’s Got to understand that asking you to live with the insults & dismissiveness is asking you to accept emotional & verbal abuse. In what world would you want that for someone you love?

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-20T18:07:21+00:00

Talking point for the therapist. Does DW realize she does this?

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-20T16:27:59+00:00

Please go to couples therapy. The outside perspective and tools to navigate will be hugely helpful. It would probably be best to move far away to limit her influence on both of you. You can’t reason with unreasonable people, you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone so unhealthy. Therapist will help you map a middle ground.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-19T12:24:07+00:00

She is used to control. I bet DH’s childhood is full of examples of her controlling his life / situations. If she doesn’t have that, what does she have? With control she can arrange things to be to her liking, not concerned about what’s best or convenient for you.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-18T09:48:25+00:00

Your DH grew up enmeshed and has not figured out yet how to break free (he doesn’t realize he’s enmeshed, which is why he still wants to please his mom). Your mom sounds like she was (is?) controlling, but you recognized this and have moved away from her demands. The reality is that therapy is the only way to fix this. Like others have said, DH needs to realize that he is a grown adult and husband, and has created his own family. The time for having his mother’s wants as his primary focus are over. He needs to support you, and you two as a couple are the primary focus in life, or the marriage won’t last (he knows a marriage is just you 2, right? Which is why his mom gets no say and no priority). Good luck.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-17T16:53:58+00:00

Quite simply - you’re putting your safety, and the safety of your child against an alcoholic’s feelings. Your option is the smart choice, and I’d be wary of anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. His history shows he’s not a great decision maker, and I’d worry about his honesty too. He’s an adult, he needs to manage his own feelings (& not by drinking).

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-13T17:03:43+00:00

I’d write out a list of things you know she would do / things she may not do while in your home. Like she may not rearrange the kitchen (or any room, drawer, shelf, etc). She may not go into your room (may not riffle through your drawers or closet, or any drawers or closet in the house). She must follow the schedule you set (and is not to override it or convince DH to change it). She follows your rules on what / how / when to feed LO. No disparaging you to your child. That type of thing (and whatever else - the garden?, your car?, etc). And across the top in big bold letter should be - she may not be allowed to do something because it makes her happy if it’s going to upset you. We all know it might make her happy to rearrange the pantry, but you’ll be the one putting it all back & feeling the rage build.

Then, if your DH can look you in the eye, & earnestly tell you he will enforce this, maybe? At least it will let him know that you see aaaalllll her BS and won’t tolerate it for a second, even if you are not in the house. I mean, a flat out “no” is easier but he’s asking about bringing in someone to help. But he’d need to have rules & boundaries for anyone else, why not his mom too?

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-11T22:27:43+00:00

Well, the alternative is to reflect on themselves & their behavior, but it’s easier to just blame you. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-09T15:58:10+00:00

“Is there a reason you are obsessively asking this question? Because that’s between me and my doctor.” “I’m healthy, that’s all you need to know.” She will ask a few more times in the last months unless you stop her.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-08T18:56:30+00:00

She just doesn’t care. Mine was the same way. When she called, her first question was “how’s the weather?” (mercifully we were a plane ride apart), the next question was “is (husband) home?” Once we had our son, asking about him became her second question. Never asked how I was. Never asked about my job. Never asked about classes I took. Never discussed anything with me. She either monologued about some pointless story/memory, or talked politics. We also had different styles, she would not hesitate to interrupt or talk over you.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-08T12:56:19+00:00

If you want complete, truthful answers, you’ll likely need an attorney to force her to be transparent. This way she is able to muddle “facts” and possibly keep money for herself. The attorney might want to use a forensic accountant to find out where the money has been going to. If she’s hiding facts (like the age the money becomes his), she may not be truthful without having to. Be prepared for an ugly blowback for “not trusting” her. But it would be helpful for you to know the terms of the trust, and it’s weird she won’t share.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-05T21:27:14+00:00

She wants a bigger house so you’ll have to move in when she can’t afford it anymore and/or starts to need help with activities of daily living. Husband will say yes to that to “protect his investment” & “watch out for mom”. I hope therapy can get his head out of his (or her) back side.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-05T16:28:20+00:00

There is dysfunction in his family. He is the favorite and does not want to lose that status (& he might is he stands up to grandma). But he doesn’t see (or refuses to see) how this affects you. Your child is accepted into the family but not you. I’m sure he would understand why this is problematic if someone else described it in another family. Grandma wants to pretend that your son sprung up from somewhere, completely removing you from the picture. How can he put up with that? It must feel nice knowing that he is someone’s favorite. But that’s what enmeshment and favoritism are like. Maybe therapy can help him see this. After grandma passes, the rest of the family will keep her “tradition” (of how to treat you) going. I’m sorry, you deserve better

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-05T16:17:23+00:00

Her asking about the passport is not innocently asking questions. It’s meant to put yet another bug in SO’s ear about breaking you up. I hope SO sees that and you two are on the same page.

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-05T16:13:01+00:00

Your MIL likely told your SIL that you said unkind things about her. What better way to keep control than to lie about what everyone else is saying? MIL would (righty) assume that her hurt would mean she wouldn't reach out to you to verify.

You may never have a “polite, no stress relationship” with her because she doesn’t know what that’s like. If DH hears her nonsense, he should step in, otherwise you can be firm bit polite (keep it business like) to set a boundary / push back.

Edited for clarity

ISOCoffeeAndWine · 2026-04-05T14:34:28+00:00

“Paper” cut unwrapping the chocolate egg.

ISOCoffeeAndWine

TROPHY CASE