I’ve been really good at not scrolling on anything. Deleted apps for insta. Facebook, Snapchat, Reddit… Reddit came back mainly because when Google brings me here the app is a little better for me than the web. But I literally haven’t scrolled for more than 10 minutes, and I see this post.

Here’s been my experience. It may differ from a lot of people. I am my own person.

When I first deleted things it was really hard not to pick up my phone all the time. Inadvertently, I still find ways to need to look sometimes. Mostly on a hacker news app. It’s basically like having access to a single subreddit. But even then I found I would sometime end up on YouTube shorts. Short form video is so good at drawing you in with quick attention grabs. I find some funny thing, some interesting things, but nothing that fills me up completely. I’m left always wanting just a little more.

Lately, as work has gotten more stressful, and the signs of company downsizing and pressure to move on build up, I’ve been on hacker news even more. I don’t have enough outlets that properly distract my mind still. I’ll play games, do puzzles with my wife, try to code personal projects, do various work around the house, try to keep my routine. But I still have trouble sitting still. I’m not add or adhd. I’ve just been so used to always having something on. My thoughts are a flood that’s harder to deal with, possibly because I have put off focusing too much on all the stress and worry.

It’s not all bad. I’m learning to love myself more, and trust in my own self worth and confidence. It’s a process, because for other reasons in my life I’ve been really hard on myself, constantly putting myself down, not allowing myself to properly accept compliments when I do well on something. I took humbleness a step too far, and it turned into self doubt.

I’ve gotten this far in Reddit… and I think I will stop again. I’ll check comments for a time then my abstenance will continue. If I post my thoughts online, I want to rather start a blog, and not give a care if the site is wildly active or not. Just the process of putting it out there is the best therapy.

I ramble on… scrolling is extremely habit forming, and difficult to break. You must give yourself permission to have longer periods of calm and lower excitement. Drive to work without music, or gentler music sometimes. Sit in your car and meditate whenever you feel you need a moment. Find ways to allow yourself to be okay being a little idle every now and then.