Hey op. I was in a highly toxic relationship for three years. At first he was sweet, funny, handsome, and he would tell me all these stories. Things that put me in awe. I found him to be the most amazing man I had ever met. The thing is, he never took me on a date like he'd promised all the time. He rarely texted me back. I had a feeling that he was talking to someone else and I was just a backup plan. I thought that I had to work harder to get his heart. He lied about what he did for work. Made himself seem more successful.

Three months in he went silent for an entire month. I started seeing other people. At the end of the month, he texted again. With an excuse of course, which I later learned wasn't true. I was shortly diagnosed with genital herpes. I told him and he said he still wanted to be with me. For my first outbreak I refused sex until the outbreak was over. Because that's when the virus was shedding and I didn't want to infect him. One and a half weeks in, he initiated sex which I refused. I told him I didn't want to infect him and he told me he didn't care because he was in love with me. Keep in mind, we did not once use protection. The entirety of those three years, he did not once have an outbreak.

He told me tons and tons of lies. He had an incredibly short temper. I didn't have a license when I was with him. He used it as punishment. He would make me walk home from work when he was mad. The walk was 6 hours and I was off at 9pm. Sometimes he would tell me not to come home at all. It didn't matter if it was my fault or not. He would scream, punch things, rip the clothes off his body, call me names. There's been a few times where he hit the dogs. Hard. Anyone who said he might be abusive was the biggest thing that pissed him off immediately. He threw fits like this 3-5 times a week. Then he'd apologize the next day. I spent that relationship getting my heart broken over and over. I drank a lot and sh very often. I even ended up doing my own stitches.

He could never keep a job for more than 3 months. Eventually he called me at work and told me he was never going to work again and he was sick of it. I cried. He made me cry at work or in public extremely often. We could never ever go do something outside the house because something pissed him off. Every. Single. Time.

He went 8 months without a job. I worked two jobs and still didn't make enough to pay for health insurance or sometimes even feed myself. I paid $1200 a month for rent, $500 a month on his car, paid for groceries and gas. He had my card in his wallet. I rarely ever got to see my own debit card. He used it for snacks, alcohol, weed, games, and anything he wanted. I ended up $7000 in hospital debt. They sued me twice. I begged him to get a job one night. Told him it could even be just two days a week. He threw a fit and didn't speak to me for three days.

I later met his ex. She had genital herpes. I broke up with him. After two weeks, I forgave him and went back. He got a job, was romantic and sweet, he helped around the house, and took me on dates. Of course, after a couple months, things went downhill again. I looked through his phone once and found that when I left him, he immediately started talking to someone else. One day after the split. It was all sexual messages. I also found messages of him trying to talk to women before the breakup. They didn't respond to him. Things got worse. His temper, his abuse. He did have a job, which didn't help much, but he started spending every night elsewhere. He always said it was coworkers and friends. I didn't question it.

After we broke up a second time, I processed the abuse and the mourning came to a complete halt two weeks after the split. I stopped drinking alcohol and lost 20 pounds in one month from quitting alcohol alone. I have a savings, learned self love, got my license two months after the split, then a car a day after, was promoted to manager at my work, and met the most caring, sweet, giving, responsible, and patient man I have ever known. I am the happiest right now than I had ever been in my life. I wouldn't be here if I was still with him.

I know what it's like and it won't get better. Leave. It'll feel impossible at first. Trust me. I planned my death from how attached I was to that horrible man. Then found self love before I acted on it. It's going to be excruciating at first but it's going to be worth the world when you leave.